LauraA
05-14-2008, 10:16 AM
It started way back when I was a child. I remember lying in the backyard, looking up at the sky. It was so beautiful, so big, so grand. I would think, “There is a great big God out there…”I wanted to know him.
I grew up wanting to serve God, but things changed in middle school; I started smoking, drinking, and using drugs. In the summer of 1973 I met a guy who was a couple years older than I was. We hung out a lot and I thought it was cool that he liked me. We spent a lot of time together even though my parents forbade me to see him.
As you can guess, I ended up pregnant when I was 15. Jim and I were married in the fall of 1974 when I was 16. We had been married for two weeks when he became upset and pushed me down a flight of stairs. I was scared to death, had never been treated like that in my whole life. Later, Jim apologized and promised he would never do this again. Quickly it became a pattern and I realized I made a horrific mistake. I told him that if he ever hit me again, I would divorce him. He became irate, out of control and again, pounded me! I didn’t leave because he said he would find me and kill me if I did. I realized I had locked myself in an inescapable prison. I felt hopeless, scared, & very alone. I felt like God had turned his back on me. But in reality, it was I who turned my back to God.
Within a year, I was expecting again. It was supposed to be a happy, joyful event, but I was terrified of his reaction. Our little girl, Lisa, was born in June of 1976.
The abuse continued through the years. Besides the terrible physical pain, fear and torture he inflicted upon me, he also abused me mentally and emotionally. He told me year after year that I was “fat, ugly and stupid”. I felt worthless, like a failure, like a piece of dirty garbage. (I still struggle some with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, though I know that is a lie from the pit and I try to see myself through the eyes of Jesus). Jim used fear to keep me from telling anyone about the abuse. He continued to tell me time and time again that if I ever left him, he would find me and kill me no matter where I tried to hide.
On the outside, our marriage looked good. We both had great jobs, the kids were doing well in school, we had a house, built in swimming pool, a ski boat, parasail, motorcycle, ATV, snowmobiles, nice clothes, and everything we physically needed to live. It was quite the masquerade. I was empty and scared. The beatings got worse as the years went by. He held pillows over my face until I went limp. He held loaded guns to my head many times. One time he pounded my head against the fireplace hearth until I pretended to pass out. I thought he was going to kill me for sure.
During this time of emptiness and terror, I decided to buy a Bible. I began to long for God again and knew there was a place in my heart that only He could fill. At night, the stars continued to witness His glory to me.
1984-One day while at work, a neighbor called me and said that Jesse (my son, almost age 10) and his son had been riding our ATV and had an accident with it. When they limped home, Jim was there to greet them. For the first time ever, Jim began beating up Jesse. Yes, on top of his accident wounds! He also laid into the neighbor boy. I knew it was the time to escape. Abusing me was horrid enough, but to hurt my child, I’d take the risk and leave! I made arrangements to rent a truck and an apartment. That night I moved out while he was at work.
A month or so went by and I realized that God was still calling to me and I continued to read my Bible. I knew that my heart wasn’t right and I was involved in sin. There was inner turmoil, the flesh fighting to do what (I thought) I needed to do, and doing what I knew God wanted me to do, which was to seek and obey Him. I was becoming so very confused because the Bible said certain things, and I grew up learning things that were contrary to what it said. I began calling different churches asking questions. Most of the people I talked to were kind, some were pushy, and some were simply rude. On one particular weekend, my kids were staying over night at my parents, and I took the opportunity to call more churches.
I asked a lot of questions during the last call I made that day. I think the man I was talking to was irritated that I was asking so many questions. At last, when I asked him why their church does something and the Bible says something else, he told me to “Go to hell” and hung up on me. I was shocked! I didn’t know what to do. I had lost all hope. That night I made foolish decision…I decided I wanted to die. I wrote a letter to my kids, then to my parents. I took every pill I could find in the house and laid down to die. The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was saying, “God, if you are there and you will reveal yourself to me, I want to live. If not, I want to die”. I briefly woke up as I was being taken out by an ambulance, but lost consciousness again. I then woke up three days later in intensive care. I remember saying “There is a God” right when I opened my eyes.
After I left the hospital, the kids and I moved in with my mom and dad. God was still on my mind, but foolishly, I pushed him to the background again. I was going to get back on track, put the past behind me. I got a new job and things were going much better.
Toward Christmastime I started seeing a guy from my new job. He was younger than me, very down to earth, easy going, kind and fun to be with. His sense of humor was great. I’m surprised I even was interested in dating again after the previous years, but Dan and I were practically inseparable. The kids loved him and he was good to them.
After dating about a year, we were still working together. I was a waitress, and there was a group of people who always came into the restaurant on Sundays and Thursday nights. No one wanted to wait on ‘the church people’ because they just had coffee and desserts…not good for tips, but a lot of work. However, I was “stuck” with them that night. They were very nice, but I was busy and didn’t think a thing of them other than I wish they would quit drinking so much coffee.
One of the ladies with the group came to the register to pay their bill. I looked up at her and her face was glowing. Really, it was literally glowing. I just stood there looking at her and then squeaked the words out, “Why does your face glow like that?!!” She smiled and said, “It’s the Lord!” I replied, “Tell me about it”. It was as if all the longing for Him came flooding back into my heart. I felt thirsty for more of Him. I wanted to live for him. That night after work I shared this experience with Dan. He was open to taking a Bible Study, so we did.
They taught us right out of the Word of God. The questions I had were answered. I felt his comforting presence as I learned of Him, straight from His Holy Word. We agreed to go to church with them after the first few Bible Studies and were thrilled. We could feel God there! That very night Jesse and I were saved. Both of us were filled with God’s Spirit and were baptized. Lisa and Dan soon followed. Dan and I were married after continuing to date another year.
I was happier than I’d ever been in my life. Jesus was faithful and it was so good to finally be living in His perfect will for my life.
God blessed me with a sweet, loving man of God who treats me with respect. He delivered me from brokenness and healed my shattered heart. I’d had post traumatic stress syndrome for years, flashbacks, nightmares, fear. The Lord has totally delivered me from all that. I have peace in Him. I have also forgiven Jim.
The Lord blessed Dan and I with a little one, Ben, who is a total miracle. (Another testimony!). Jesse and Lisa both married and we now have 4 beautiful grandchildren, all older than our little Ben! :0)
We are still serving God, still learning of His love and grace after 23 years. He has been faithful and kind. He showed me that waiting on Him, living for Him, submitting to Him is the only way to go forward with peace and happiness. I praise His Holy Name! Thank you, Jesus!
I grew up wanting to serve God, but things changed in middle school; I started smoking, drinking, and using drugs. In the summer of 1973 I met a guy who was a couple years older than I was. We hung out a lot and I thought it was cool that he liked me. We spent a lot of time together even though my parents forbade me to see him.
As you can guess, I ended up pregnant when I was 15. Jim and I were married in the fall of 1974 when I was 16. We had been married for two weeks when he became upset and pushed me down a flight of stairs. I was scared to death, had never been treated like that in my whole life. Later, Jim apologized and promised he would never do this again. Quickly it became a pattern and I realized I made a horrific mistake. I told him that if he ever hit me again, I would divorce him. He became irate, out of control and again, pounded me! I didn’t leave because he said he would find me and kill me if I did. I realized I had locked myself in an inescapable prison. I felt hopeless, scared, & very alone. I felt like God had turned his back on me. But in reality, it was I who turned my back to God.
Within a year, I was expecting again. It was supposed to be a happy, joyful event, but I was terrified of his reaction. Our little girl, Lisa, was born in June of 1976.
The abuse continued through the years. Besides the terrible physical pain, fear and torture he inflicted upon me, he also abused me mentally and emotionally. He told me year after year that I was “fat, ugly and stupid”. I felt worthless, like a failure, like a piece of dirty garbage. (I still struggle some with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, though I know that is a lie from the pit and I try to see myself through the eyes of Jesus). Jim used fear to keep me from telling anyone about the abuse. He continued to tell me time and time again that if I ever left him, he would find me and kill me no matter where I tried to hide.
On the outside, our marriage looked good. We both had great jobs, the kids were doing well in school, we had a house, built in swimming pool, a ski boat, parasail, motorcycle, ATV, snowmobiles, nice clothes, and everything we physically needed to live. It was quite the masquerade. I was empty and scared. The beatings got worse as the years went by. He held pillows over my face until I went limp. He held loaded guns to my head many times. One time he pounded my head against the fireplace hearth until I pretended to pass out. I thought he was going to kill me for sure.
During this time of emptiness and terror, I decided to buy a Bible. I began to long for God again and knew there was a place in my heart that only He could fill. At night, the stars continued to witness His glory to me.
1984-One day while at work, a neighbor called me and said that Jesse (my son, almost age 10) and his son had been riding our ATV and had an accident with it. When they limped home, Jim was there to greet them. For the first time ever, Jim began beating up Jesse. Yes, on top of his accident wounds! He also laid into the neighbor boy. I knew it was the time to escape. Abusing me was horrid enough, but to hurt my child, I’d take the risk and leave! I made arrangements to rent a truck and an apartment. That night I moved out while he was at work.
A month or so went by and I realized that God was still calling to me and I continued to read my Bible. I knew that my heart wasn’t right and I was involved in sin. There was inner turmoil, the flesh fighting to do what (I thought) I needed to do, and doing what I knew God wanted me to do, which was to seek and obey Him. I was becoming so very confused because the Bible said certain things, and I grew up learning things that were contrary to what it said. I began calling different churches asking questions. Most of the people I talked to were kind, some were pushy, and some were simply rude. On one particular weekend, my kids were staying over night at my parents, and I took the opportunity to call more churches.
I asked a lot of questions during the last call I made that day. I think the man I was talking to was irritated that I was asking so many questions. At last, when I asked him why their church does something and the Bible says something else, he told me to “Go to hell” and hung up on me. I was shocked! I didn’t know what to do. I had lost all hope. That night I made foolish decision…I decided I wanted to die. I wrote a letter to my kids, then to my parents. I took every pill I could find in the house and laid down to die. The last thing I remember before losing consciousness was saying, “God, if you are there and you will reveal yourself to me, I want to live. If not, I want to die”. I briefly woke up as I was being taken out by an ambulance, but lost consciousness again. I then woke up three days later in intensive care. I remember saying “There is a God” right when I opened my eyes.
After I left the hospital, the kids and I moved in with my mom and dad. God was still on my mind, but foolishly, I pushed him to the background again. I was going to get back on track, put the past behind me. I got a new job and things were going much better.
Toward Christmastime I started seeing a guy from my new job. He was younger than me, very down to earth, easy going, kind and fun to be with. His sense of humor was great. I’m surprised I even was interested in dating again after the previous years, but Dan and I were practically inseparable. The kids loved him and he was good to them.
After dating about a year, we were still working together. I was a waitress, and there was a group of people who always came into the restaurant on Sundays and Thursday nights. No one wanted to wait on ‘the church people’ because they just had coffee and desserts…not good for tips, but a lot of work. However, I was “stuck” with them that night. They were very nice, but I was busy and didn’t think a thing of them other than I wish they would quit drinking so much coffee.
One of the ladies with the group came to the register to pay their bill. I looked up at her and her face was glowing. Really, it was literally glowing. I just stood there looking at her and then squeaked the words out, “Why does your face glow like that?!!” She smiled and said, “It’s the Lord!” I replied, “Tell me about it”. It was as if all the longing for Him came flooding back into my heart. I felt thirsty for more of Him. I wanted to live for him. That night after work I shared this experience with Dan. He was open to taking a Bible Study, so we did.
They taught us right out of the Word of God. The questions I had were answered. I felt his comforting presence as I learned of Him, straight from His Holy Word. We agreed to go to church with them after the first few Bible Studies and were thrilled. We could feel God there! That very night Jesse and I were saved. Both of us were filled with God’s Spirit and were baptized. Lisa and Dan soon followed. Dan and I were married after continuing to date another year.
I was happier than I’d ever been in my life. Jesus was faithful and it was so good to finally be living in His perfect will for my life.
God blessed me with a sweet, loving man of God who treats me with respect. He delivered me from brokenness and healed my shattered heart. I’d had post traumatic stress syndrome for years, flashbacks, nightmares, fear. The Lord has totally delivered me from all that. I have peace in Him. I have also forgiven Jim.
The Lord blessed Dan and I with a little one, Ben, who is a total miracle. (Another testimony!). Jesse and Lisa both married and we now have 4 beautiful grandchildren, all older than our little Ben! :0)
We are still serving God, still learning of His love and grace after 23 years. He has been faithful and kind. He showed me that waiting on Him, living for Him, submitting to Him is the only way to go forward with peace and happiness. I praise His Holy Name! Thank you, Jesus!