What's the Lord Teaching You?

[cori]

i had asked her about 6 yrs ago to do a Bible study with me (she had been asking me about my faith, God, and asking to get involved in a Bible study, etc...). she agreed and actually seemed excited about it, so i bought her a copy of the book, wrote a note on the inside cover, & sent it to her (she lived in colorado & i'm in california). i think it was a beth moore study....breaking free. yeah, tons of homework in that study - HAD to be beth moore! :P (i'm totally kidding - i LOOOOOOVE her, but..she DOES give lots of homework! lol) anyway...

i really felt that God was telling me to be completely transparent with her (and this was after His recent revelation of people responding more to genuine outreach than a spiritual facade), so....i was. in the note, i had written that i was excited to be able to do the study with her, to grow together spiritually, and - as an encouragement (i had already started the study, but agreed to go back to the beginning to do it with her), i shared with her that it was helping me deal with anger issues from my childhood.

i waited a few weeks after sending the book to ask her about it, but...when i did ask her about it, she said that she never received the book. it never came. something must be up with the post office. (went into some lengthy cussing spree about their poor service) dont worry about buying another book, because it turns out that she needs to get a job (which, years later, she STILL has not done!) & won't have time for the study. ok, so....she had a change of heart. God had prepared me for that possibility, so....surprisingly, it didnt' bother me that much. ....until i went to visit her. and i found the book on her bookshelf. you know, the one that never MADE it there. :S i have tried several times (God's way - i have NO desire to try to do this one in the flesh, because i know i can't) to start the ball of reconciliation rolling, but she squashes it every time. she refuses to accept anything other than her version of the truth, which, of course, always paints her as the victim & my memory as inaccurate (which, most of the time it IS, but....i don't bring up things that i don't specifically recall). there is no saying, "you know, it really hurt my feelings when you..." because she has an excuse for EVERY thing she does/says/thinks/feels/etc... and is a MASTERMIND at turning it around & placing the blame on ME! anyway...

when i went to visit them in colorado over the summer (when MY marriage was failing - which was a totally abusive situation, but God has given me boldness to stand against those things (no physical abuse, but everything else meadow listed in her post regarding divorce) & told me to stay put, trusting Him, so..that's what i'm doing in THAT situation), she seemed to not care that the boys & i were there. i had not seen her in 3 years - she did not go with my sister to pick us up from the airport. she did not come over to my sister's house to see us after she found out we were there. i actually had to call my DAD & beg HIM to come see us the day we arrived because i was so excited to see him. (and, being that the plan for my marriage was DIVORCE at that point, i really needed to see my parents..something loving & familiar) they finally came, but she spent most of her time sitting outside smoking & giving my dad the "let's GO" look, so...we spent maybe an hour together. she did not bother to go to my sister's house to see us again after that - she waited for my sister & i to go to her. when we did go there, she was busy on the computer (and mostly drunk by the time we got there), and seemed about as excited to see her 2 daughters & grandsons as one would be about seeing the mailman - when they're only expecting bills! i spent almost 2 wks at my parents house while i was in colorado (intended to stay a full 2 wks there, but the stress was killing me, so i had to go back to my sister's early), and...of that time, i spent most of it making sure my kids werent doing anything wrong. she would talk to them & correct them, but spent a grand total of ONE DAY (out of a MONTH!) actually spending TIME with them. she would rant & rave to me about how my dad was making constant remarks about how much of an inconvenience it was for the boys & i to be there, but he would start playing with them the second he got home from work. he still would get his beer & go watch his news or whatever, like he always did, but....they had his full attention (as did i) ANYTIME they wanted to talk to him. yeah, he was the one that hated them being there. anyway...that was hard. the whole trip came about because of a heart-wrenching (i can't even talk i'm sobbing so hard) phone call, CRYING & asking to come home because my marriage (and my life) is such a mess, and i need to regain some kind of footing. and she was completely unavailable. treated me like a complete stranger. no, i've seen her be nicer to complete strangers than she was during that month. anyway...

ok, so backtracking just a little, over the course of their relationship (they got together when i was like 4), my mom has ALWAYS been unfaithful to my dad. absolutely NO regard for commitment of any kind, even to the lengths of taking us (my brother, sister, and i) WITH HER on her overnight escapades with boyfriends! :O (seriously, WHO DOES THAT?!?!) my dad always believed her stories, etc... but last year sometime, finally caught her red-handed (in a roundabout way....didn't walk in on her or anything, but....had other red-handed evidence - i don't know the specifics of this, nor do i want them...i've got enough to deal with without taking that stuff on as well), and...between that & the serious money issues she has caused (and has NO intention of ever accepting responsibility and trying to help get them taken care of), my dad is a wreck. his blood pressure sky-rocketed - it's so high, he needs the a/c on HIGH in the cool of the night because he's so hot. his face constantly looks like he's got the worst sun-burn known to mankind, he's just....his health is horrible, and it's completely stress related. (the year before he discovered her infidelity, he had major surgery - she was visiting her dad in wisconsin & did not bother coming home when she found out he was in the hospital, POST-OP!!!!) after i came back to ca this summer, he told her that they were done. she had ZERO response (something i can totally relate to) to that, and continued doing everything she always did. he moved into my sister's basement, and...pretty much no contact after that.

until the week before thanksgiving (which is about when i joined the boards). my dad's family didn't know that they had split up, so..when my grandpa died, SHE got the phone call. if that had not happened, NO ONE would have known that she moved to wisconsin! she didn't bother telling ANYONE that she was moving. ok....i can TOTALLY understand why she wouldn't want to tell my DAD, but...to NOT tell her KIDS? that's another one i just can't get my head around. she called me on thanksgiving, to wish me a happy one, and abruptly ended the phone when i tried to make some kind of conversation. she has ignored emails i've sent since then (nothing ugly, just asking where i should send her Christmas picture of my family). i got my grandpa's phone number from my sister & called her there for the address (so i could actually SEND the picture), and..this is the hurtful situation i mentioned that brought on this slew of posts.

when i called, she was on the other line with someone else. (ok, now bear in mind that i have not talked to her since i left colorado, july 21) she bumps over to me.....sounds all happy that i called, gives me the address & then "ok, i have to go - i've got someone on the other line." :( maybe i've got high expectations here, but....geez, when FAMILY calls - especially family that you don't get to see or talk to that often - you tell the OTHER person you need to go! so...anyway...

in the midst of all of that, there's the constant feeling of worthlessness (ok, i'm not looking for sympathy or reassurance or anything here - just being true to what i'm wrestling with right now...). i mean, if my own MOTHER finds no value in me, why would anyone ELSE find value in me? (this was the genesis of my message to the kids on friday - i reeeeeally need to sit down & get that all typed out!!!!) i know that God's love is perfect, and i'm created in His image - jeremiah 29:11, etc.... i know all of those encouraging verses for this type of situation, and..i have really leaned on them & trust in them. that's not the issue. but....being less than a stranger to my own mother frequently tries to bring in that doubt of His love, and...i really wish i could better understand HER. i know i can't compare her love to His love - and i don't - but i still long for hers. :(

so...there you have it. more of me than you ever wanted to know! lol i'm sorry :S but...i had to get it out. "i know every time i find the one thing that holds me back inside, i want to tear apart & bring my selfish pleasures at Your feet" ok, so i wouldn't call any of this pleasant, but....i wonder if desperately wanting that understanding is selfish, so....that's where i'm at.

thanks for listening. truly, you guys rock!

[Kelly]

Wow Cori,

I don't even know what to say to that! I praise God that you're able to hold on and continue to look to Him even through all that! I pray that you can continue to do that. Sure it's nice to be accepted by our parents and I guarantee there's not ONE person who can say they've never wanted acceptance from their parents. But truly, all we really need to understand is that our Father loves us unconditionally! HE accepts us unconditionally, ALWAYS!

My absolute favorite song of Jeremy's is My Desire. I bawl every time I hear it, which is why I'm glad he doesn't do it at concerts :p Although that would be just incredible to hear live. But your story makes me think of these lyrics. I hope they bring you peace and comfort! And if you haven't heard the song, you MUST!

You wanna be whole.
You wanna have purpose inside.
You wanna have virtue,
And purify your mind.
You wanna be set free today,
Then lay it all down before the King.

[cori]

thanks kelly. :) i love that song too, but i haven't spent much time with it because i've been stuck on other songs. i'll pull that cd out & add it to the rotation, though! :D

i am so thankful that He is a perfect Father, giving all that we could ever need or want. i truly would not have been able to make it this far without Him, and....i know i won't be able to go any further without Him, so....i shall set my eyes upon Him! :) (it's just that letting go of what's been placed before Him that's not so easy!! i keep laying it down, but....before i'm even out of the building, i find that i've picked it back up again! lol)

thank you for your encouragement (and prayers!).

...off to find my desire....

[Kelly]

It's a neverending battle. If we could just lay down our problems once and that was it, then what would happen to our faith and giving God the glory? That's one thing I've learned a lot about lately. Imagine a world where there is absolutely no suffering. Would we have as much faith as we do now? How could we? Would we give God as much glory? Again how could we? As a line from one of my favorite movies goes: "Without suffering there would be no compassion." We have to constantly lay down our problems & thank Him for taking our burdens, but then remember that it won't be the last time! Praise God for that! :)

[Convicted]

It's a neverending battle. If we could just lay down our problems once and that was it, then what would happen to our faith and giving God the glory? That's one thing I've learned a lot about lately. Imagine a world where there is absolutely no suffering. Would we have as much faith as we do now? How could we? Would we give God as much glory? Again how could we? As a line from one of my favorite movies goes: "Without suffering there would be no compassion." We have to constantly lay down our problems & thank Him for taking our burdens, but then remember that it won't be the last time! Praise God for that! :)

This has reminded me of a scenario we see often in movies. We all want to see a superhero in action, right? We all admire their incredible talents and ability to stand boldly in the face of danger. However, a superhero's purpose doesn't begin to be unraveled publically until - it is cornered by a villian who is attempting to destroy something. Only when the superhero is faced with an overwhelming circumstance, can its true ability and power be uncovered. Only then, does one transfer into a superhero; otherwise there's nothing particularly different about them, then there is from anyone. Everyone wants to be a hero, do something no one else has done, go some place no one else has gone; but no one wants to face the conflicts that entails. But it's only in those conflicts where our maximum potential lies. It's an interesting concept to think of.. And I think it's something a lot of people should consider before they pray something like... "God, I want to do something great for You." (along those lines) because, when we ask that.. It just means we're going to face more problems. 'Cause the more problems we face, the more we need to rely on God to do something great through us. It all goes back to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

[jllm04]

Cori,
I just read your posts, and I'm just in tears in for you. I guess when you have to go through similar things it brings it all back. I know that you'd feel the same way I do in stating that we'd never wish those situations on anyone.
Although I haven't experienced everything you spoke of, I have a lot of it.
I'm so sorry!
Maybe we are supposed to walk this road together, some of those feelings I know so intimately, I can seriously picture those exact words being said to me.
Just know that I'm praying for you. And anything you want to say is fine by me!
If you feel it more appropriate to PM me, go ahead.

Lana :)

[Convicted]

Again- "Breathe" By J Camp- "You lift me when i fall, You break down every wall..."
It's not a good thing to hold in things even if you can't talk to anyone about them- there are ways to release and attempt to escape those prisons we feel trapped in. I have found that a prayer journal that you can just write down what's on your heart as if you were telling that person what you would like to say, but for what ever the reason you can't. Once you have written it or said it you feel better, but it isn't really the same as communicating it directly to them.


Reminds me of "Missing Pages" - Seventh Day Slumber. I love that song also. :)
"No one knows you anymore, you're lost inside the walls you've built. No one knows you anymore, a prison deep within your soul. There is One who sees it all, who'll give you life you've never dreamed. He can see the pain. Underneath your skin.." Yep, writing things down can help a lot. What you write is between you and God; it gives you an opportunity to express yourself, examine things thoroughly, allow the Lord to teach you things, and He begins healing you in the process. When I write, most of what I'm writing is translated into some sort of song, though I write many other things. But it's a way to diffuse your thoughts, and yet creatively (and even inadvertently) share them with others when the time is right.

[Convicted]

Wow Cori, your testimony leaves me speechless. You've gone through so much, and I know God will mend everything that's been shattered and torn in your life. Just reading your experiences, reminds me of some of my own. Which reminds me of this:

Everything that keeps us bound, hurt, wounded, complacent, etc... begins from some sort of experience from the past. Overtime, the more experiences we accumulate that have similar results, which hurt us really deep; the more we learn these biases, that trap us in some sort of fear, and keep us from flourishing beyond the limits that were set upon us (whether intentionally or inadvertently). Devil's tactic right there - to keep people bound from the future & present because of their past. We need to de-learn these biases, through the process of God's healing - which is the ultimate escape route. True healing, deliverance, and restoration can be such a long and hard process at times.

I'm praying for you also.

[Kelly]

LOVE that analogy! :) So true!

This has reminded me of a scenario we see often in movies. We all want to see a superhero in action, right? We all admire their incredible talents and ability to stand boldly in the face of danger. However, a superhero's purpose doesn't begin to be unraveled publically until - it is cornered by a villian who is attempting to destroy something. Only when the superhero is faced with an overwhelming circumstance, can its true ability and power be uncovered. Only then, does one transfer into a superhero; otherwise there's nothing particularly different about them, then there is from anyone. Everyone wants to be a hero, do something no one else has done, go some place no one else has gone; but no one wants to face the conflicts that entails. But it's only in those conflicts where our maximum potential lies. It's an interesting concept to think of.. And I think it's something a lot of people should consider before they pray something like... "God, I want to do something great for You." (along those lines) because, when we ask that.. It just means we're going to face more problems. 'Cause the more problems we face, the more we need to rely on God to do something great through us. It all goes back to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

[Meadow]

Quoted by Cori:"so...there you have it. more of me than you ever wanted to know! lol i'm sorry :S but...i had to get it out. "i know every time i find the one thing that holds me back inside, i want to tear apart & bring my selfish pleasures at Your feet" ok, so i wouldn't call any of this pleasant, but....i wonder if desperately wanting that understanding is selfish, so....that's where i'm at.

thanks for listening. truly, you guys rock!"
Cori,
I'm sorry you have been thru all of this. God will use this in your life, you can count on it! I have some similiar things that I faced so I know some of your hurt and rejection.
Yes, Cori, "No Matter What!" gotta love it! :)
Continue to believe in Him and keep your eyes upon Him. He is our power source of life. I hope you feel better since you were able to share your heart. There is always an escape from the prisons we find ourselves in, but satan lurks there and he is going to do all he can to bring you down and keep you down. I've seen my brother-in-law and my sister back in church and both are baptized now. My sister hadn't been to church since she was about 11 or 12yrs old. If you keep on shining His light for His glory you will break thru to your family. It may seem hopeless and feel hopeless, but "I(We) can do all things through Christ that strengthens me (us)." Philippians 4:13. Feel free to pm me anytime. Jesus bless you and your family. Prayers going up!

Check out the Stay CD-JCamp- "One Day At A Time"- I love this song it really helped me through some tough times.

Kelly - i love what you wrote about "My Desire!"
Breathe Him ~Leigh

[Meadow]

This has reminded me of a scenario we see often in movies. We all want to see a superhero in action, right? We all admire their incredible talents and ability to stand boldly in the face of danger. However, a superhero's purpose doesn't begin to be unraveled publically until - it is cornered by a villian who is attempting to destroy something. Only when the superhero is faced with an overwhelming circumstance, can its true ability and power be uncovered. Only then, does one transfer into a superhero; otherwise there's nothing particularly different about them, then there is from anyone. Everyone wants to be a hero, do something no one else has done, go some place no one else has gone; but no one wants to face the conflicts that entails. But it's only in those conflicts where our maximum potential lies. It's an interesting concept to think of.. And I think it's something a lot of people should consider before they pray something like... "God, I want to do something great for You." (along those lines) because, when we ask that.. It just means we're going to face more problems. 'Cause the more problems we face, the more we need to rely on God to do something great through us. It all goes back to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

That reminds me of a question I try to keep at the surface of my thoughts when there are opportunities staring me in my face....
God, If I do this I want to do this for Your glory, Will this bring glory to Your Name? It's pretty neat to see Him confirm steps in your life. It really brings so much peace to your spirit knowing He is in control and you see Him working in your life. It's AWESOME!
I love the superhero idea, it's so true. I love those verses too!
Stay Weak in His Strength!:)

[Meadow]

Reminds me of "Missing Pages" - Seventh Day Slumber. I love that song also. :)
"No one knows you anymore, you're lost inside the walls you've built. No one knows you anymore, a prison deep within your soul. There is One who sees it all, who'll give you life you've never dreamed. He can see the pain. Underneath your skin.." Yep, writing things down can help a lot. What you write is between you and God; it gives you an opportunity to express yourself, examine things thoroughly, allow the Lord to teach you things, and He begins healing you in the process. When I write, most of what I'm writing is translated into some sort of song, though I write many other things. But it's a way to diffuse your thoughts, and yet creatively (and even inadvertently) share them with others when the time is right.

I'll have to check out that song.

Yes, Thank You, Jesus!:)

[LauraA]

Cori, my heart is aching for you. I have so much to say, but I can't get my thoughts together right now. All I want to do is hold you and tell you that you are loved by all of us. We/I will be here for you. I can relate to much of what you shared. Abuse (Physical/emotional/mental) from my ex-husband produced many of the same symptoms you've spoken of. The self esteem issue, not wanting to be seen, to remain in the background, etc.

You are in my prayers.. We will walk this road with you, Cori.

With Love,
Laura

[cori]

you guys are all truly amazing!!!!! some of the best Christmas gifts i've EVER received!!! THANK YOU!!! :D

i really do feel TONS better after sharing all of that yuck. i really feel that you all know my heart was not to trash-talk my mom, and i feel that you all are praying for restoration here. i may sound crazy (although i think some of you are maybe board junkies like me, so you'll know EXACTLY what i'm talking about! lol), but....i really feel that you are all genuine friends who WANT to help carry the burden (and that's how i feel about each of you....bring it on! :D ). there really are no words to express my gratitude, and a mere "thank you" hardly seems enough!

it's funny, because i can go on my merry way, totally not even bothered by ANY of this. and i'll think God has finally finished the restoration of MY heart (while i'm aware that the restoration of the relationship will require much more time). but then, WHAM! something completely out of the blue..usually something small (like the abrupt ending of a phone call so she could finish her OTHER conversation)...will bring all of that other stuff flooding back in.

i guess what it all boils down to is that the hurt keeps resurfacing when the desire to understand comes back. when i lay down the idea of ever understanding (because i KNOW i never will!), it doesn't bother me as much. (i even find myself finding courage to step away from my wall! :o ) so....i just need to keep laying that desire for understanding down. (as a matter of fact, about a year ago, in my Bible study reading, the Lord exposed that desire for understanding as an IDOL in my life, so....i REEEEALLY need to be more diligent about tearing it down!!!).

as far as overcoming the negative results from all of that stuff (and the marriage issues that CLOSELY parallel that relationship - kinda creepy, really! :o ), i think that will come in time as i continue pressing in to the LORD and who HE says that i am & will be (as He molds me), and trusting in HIM and not the world's views of me. because, really, the only one that matters is HIM!

thank you, guys. you really have NO idea of the changes that have taken place in my heart since i shared all of that with you (in spite of many, MANY reservations!!!). i will do my best to not dwell in this place, but also the have enough wisdom to ask for prayer support when i feel the weight of it pulling me down again (as well as a knock on the head to remind me to drop the idol! haha).

you guys ROCK!

[cori]

We have to constantly lay down our problems & thank Him for taking our burdens, but then remember that it won't be the last time! Praise God for that! :)

soooooo true, kelly! SO true! easier said than done, but....true nonetheless!! :D i'm just thankful that He is LOOOOOOOOONGsuffering over us! lol (and, i know for CERTAIN in my case, that many MORE o's are required in that statement!!!!! lol)

[cori]

Only when the superhero is faced with an overwhelming circumstance, can its true ability and power be uncovered. Only then, does one transfer into a superhero; otherwise there's nothing particularly different about them, then there is from anyone. Everyone wants to be a hero, do something no one else has done, go some place no one else has gone; but no one wants to face the conflicts that entails. But it's only in those conflicts where our maximum potential lies. It's an interesting concept to think of.. And I think it's something a lot of people should consider before they pray something like... "God, I want to do something great for You." (along those lines) because, when we ask that.. It just means we're going to face more problems. 'Cause the more problems we face, the more we need to rely on God to do something great through us. It all goes back to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

hmmmm, i'm gonna go with SUPERHERO! :D i will rise up & fight, and - because HE won, and i'm fighting on HIS side.....i WILL have the victory! :D

2 cor. 12:9 &10 have been my anthem for the last 5 years, when God really showed me what those 2 verses REALLY mean. not that i'm always able to REMEMBER them when i need them, but...the second i DO remember them, they are the backbone to every situation that feels like a crisis in my life. :D (and....*cough* thank you for reminding me of them THIS time around...*blush*) :)

[cori]

Cori,
I just read your posts, and I'm just in tears in for you. I guess when you have to go through similar things it brings it all back. I know that you'd feel the same way I do in stating that we'd never wish those situations on anyone.
Although I haven't experienced everything you spoke of, I have a lot of it.
I'm so sorry!
Maybe we are supposed to walk this road together, some of those feelings I know so intimately, I can seriously picture those exact words being said to me.
Just know that I'm praying for you. And anything you want to say is fine by me!
If you feel it more appropriate to PM me, go ahead.

Lana :)

lana, first of all, i am OVERWHELMED by your compassion (everyone's really...just really struck by lana's because this started as HER reaching out for prayer & somehow became my issue as well! :S). i do believe that we are to walk together during this time - unless something changes, i'm comfortable just sharing on the boards, but....as you said, if you prefer to use the pm, that is totally fine with me. :D (on that note, i've also got facebook, myspace, AND msn messenger! lol ->corisloan for all, because i'm ohhhhh soooooo clever in the screen-name/password dept...haha)

so...no more lying down. we will stand & we will WALK. we will face these ghosts from the past head-on, and we will grow together as we overcome through Him! :) (i'm feeling a little pumped, in case you couldn't tell! lol...imagine me pushing up my sleeves & shoving one fist into the other @ satan! hahaha, now THERE'S a funny sight!)

[cori]

Yep, writing things down can help a lot. What you write is between you and God; it gives you an opportunity to express yourself, examine things thoroughly, allow the Lord to teach you things, and He begins healing you in the process.

that's the way i do it, too. i haven't had much luck in writing to so & so about such & such, but i HAVE found comfort & learning in writing to God ABOUT such & such. turns out that i can express myself better (more clearly, that is.....i'm not exactly an eloquent speaker OR writer!) in writing, so....i'm able to really pour my heart out on paper. if i direct that pouring to the Lord, then He can do something with it. if i try to direct it to the other person involved in the issue, then i just get all jumbled in the mess, almost like i was trying to SAY it to them.

my biggest thing is this, though...i HAVE come through all of this before, and...while it still holds great power over me, i have to continually recognize that I have control over how much power it has over me. i can either give in to its power & succumb to depression (again!), or i can choose to exert my God-given authority to stand up in HIM, and move forward. the choice is obvious, but for some reason just doesn't seem to come too easily! :S but...after the last year & getting over the cutting & suicidal depression (ALL depression, actually!), i REFUSE to slip back into THAT deathtrap! i will do all that i can - NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES (i wonder if he gets sick of us constantly quoting his songs?? lol) - to keep climbing UP this mountain, until i've found Him in the HIGHEST place. and...i will continue to praise Him all the way up, no matter HOW much the terrain hurts. THIS is my commitment (...that i share with MUCH fear & trembling, but..i know that i can do it because HE strengthens ME! and His strength is made PERFECT in my weakness, so...i make it in boldness, too! if that makes any sense....).

[cori]

[QUOTE=Convicted;14021]I know God will mend everything that's been shattered and torn in your life. i am standing on this promise that He has spoken through you - thank you! :)

Everything that keeps us bound, hurt, wounded, complacent, etc... begins from some sort of experience from the past. Overtime, the more experiences we accumulate that have similar results, which hurt us really deep; the more we learn these biases, that trap us in some sort of fear, and keep us from flourishing beyond the limits that were set upon us (whether intentionally or inadvertently). Devil's tactic right there - to keep people bound from the future & present because of their past. We need to de-learn these biases, through the process of God's healing - which is the ultimate escape route. VERY well said! that's another one of those easier said than done things, but....true healing will never come until we (i) lay down those learned responses and begin to TRULY trust HIM (by means of trusting other people without assuming the experience will be a carbon copy of the hurtful past). and....the fact of the matter is that it will never be achieved unless there is practice along the way - practice of actually DOING it. so....rather than seeing myself as a victim in this, i'm seeing it as the bud of another branch on the tree, and i intend to make it bear fruit.

True healing, deliverance, and restoration can be such a long and hard process at times. indeed, but....as the saying goes, good things come to those who WAIT. coupled with no PAIN, NO gain. i can't just sit around & wait for the healing - restoration to fall in my lap, but....i have to be willing to do the work in my own heart to receive those things. i have to prune the hurt/anger/bitterness/hardness-of-heart out of my life - by dealing with them! - and i have to water my heart with the Word, otherwise there will be NO fruit. only an overgrowth of weeds, that will choke the life out of me, for sure! (this is one of those praying for patience things - dont pray for patience because the only way to get it is to LEARN it! i prayed for restoration of this relationship, and....before the restoration can happen, i need to DEAL with it. so....as odd as it sounds, it IS an answer to prayer - just not the answer i was hoping for! :S lol anyway...)

I'm praying for you also. THANK YOU!!!!! :)

[cori]

[QUOTE=Meadow;14050]I'm sorry you have been thru all of this. God will use this in your life, you can count on it! the hope that it can help maybe just ONE other person who has been through something similar gives me the emotional courage i need to walk this out...thank you for bringing THAT into perspective again for me!!!

I have some similiar things that I faced so I know some of your hurt and rejection. i'm sorry that you can identify :(

Continue to believe in Him and keep your eyes upon Him. He is our power source of life. i will, thank you. :) you all make it VERY easy to do that! (thank you!)

I hope you feel better since you were able to share your heart. VERY MUCH SO!!!! words truly cannot describe how much better! thank you for listening. :)

There is always an escape from the prisons we find ourselves in, but satan lurks there and he is going to do all he can to bring you down and keep you down. the night i sat down & typed everything out, as i was lying in bed contemplating everything i shared & dealing with the onslaught of memories that sharing it brought back to mind, God spoke 2 words to me. "beautiful hell" of course, it got my attention, because it seems completely paradoxical, but....when i asked Him about it, (the first thing He said was "write," so...i'm not exactly sure what it's going to end up being when i do the WRITE part of it...i don't want to rush it, so i'm waiting for the wknd when i will have some time) He just showed me how the places that we've always considered so safe, so homey, so welcoming, so beautiful.....sometimes they can be our personal experience of hell on earth. we are lured there because of what is offered there - comfort, acceptance, love, rest (and on and on), but..you're absolutely right - satan lurks there, ready to bring & keep us down. we can get up & walk out at any time, but we choose to stay there because we are so blinded by the false comforts of that place. anyway....it'll make more sense once i do the WRITE part of it, because....He usually speaks volumes to me when His explanation is just to write. i have to wait until it's quiet here & i don't have a gazillion thoughts running through my head. just the prayer about His answer to the random statement (this is not the first time with this sort of thing), and....when i'm ready (waiting on Him, i mean), it's almost like He takes over the pen - i don't know what i'm writing until i'm finished & take the time to read over what came out. so...anyway....your reference to prisons & an always-available escape reminded me of that...

I've seen my brother-in-law and my sister back in church and both are baptized now. My sister hadn't been to church since she was about 11 or 12yrs old. If you keep on shining His light for His glory you will break thru to your family. It may seem hopeless and feel hopeless, but "I(We) can do all things through Christ that strengthens me (us)." Philippians 4:13. oh, how much HOPE that gives me! thank you!!!

Feel free to pm me anytime. Jesus bless you and your family. Prayers going up! thank you, on all 3 counts! :)

Check out the Stay CD-JCamp- "One Day At A Time"- I love this song it really helped me through some tough times. i haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but i read the lyrics tonight. i will definitely sit down with that one (too! hehe) this wknd....thank you!

[cori]

Cori, my heart is aching for you. I have so much to say, but I can't get my thoughts together right now. All I want to do is hold you and tell you that you are loved by all of us. We/I will be here for you. I can relate to much of what you shared. Abuse (Physical/emotional/mental) from my ex-husband produced many of the same symptoms you've spoken of. The self esteem issue, not wanting to be seen, to remain in the background, etc.

You are in my prayers.. We will walk this road with you, Cori.

With Love,
Laura

thank you, laura. i look forward to hearing more once you gather your thoughts. you have all been soooooooo encouraging! (is it cheesy to say i love you guys?? cuz....yeah...i DO!)

i know you are still dealing with some of those symptoms (camera-shy! speaking of....pics with jeremy at the m&g ARE voluntary, right???? :S ), but....you seem so well rounded now. how did you overcome some of the other symptoms (if i may glean from your wisdom....).

thank you for your prayers & your commitment to walk with me. :)

[LauraA]

it's funny, because i can go on my merry way, totally not even bothered by ANY of this. and i'll think God has finally finished the restoration of MY heart (while i'm aware that the restoration of the relationship will require much more time). but then, WHAM! something completely out of the blue..usually something small (like the abrupt ending of a phone call so she could finish her OTHER conversation)...will bring all of that other stuff flooding back in.

It's totally normal, Cori, to go along and not be bothered by the past, but then to have something happen and be flooded with memories, feelings, symptoms, etc. It's been 25 years now, since I "escaped" my ex husband and the abuse. It took me many years first of all to come out of my shell. I had a protective wall around me and wouldn't truly let anyone in. For many years if someone raised their hands or arms around me I would duck without even thinking. How embarrassing! LOL...and we're Pentecostals, so there is a LOT of arm raising going on around me! :) But it didn't take long to over come that acute ducking stage. However, it was up until a couple years ago that if someone raised an arm around me and I wasn't expecting it or it surprised me, I'd flinch. It's been quite a while now since that has happened. Also, for many years little things would bring back memories that I'd forgotten, or rather buried. I'd be talking with Dan and a word would be mentioned and all of a sudden, a memory came pouring into my brain that had totally not been "available" before. I can't really explain it, but it just couldn't be pulled up until that moment when it flooded in. Or a song would play and I'd "see" in my mind's eye a scene in my life that had been buried. As time has gone by, these memories are fewer and farther between each other. I think, for the most part, I've recovered from the "Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome" that I had due to the abuse. However, the not wanting to be seen thing is still a battle. (For 10 years it was drilled into my head that I was "stupid, fat and ugly" by my ex.)

So anyway, Cori, as time passes, your symptoms will diminish. I think the Lord feeds us memories little by little so we can deal with them, work out the issues, and move on. Sometimes there is some peace and enjoyment in-between the "session", which gets us mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with the next memory. It's a process, and requires strength and patience to deal with. It takes a lot of prayer to hold us up as we recover.

I had such a victory a few weeks ago. The Lord showed me that I had truly forgiven my ex husband when his sister passed away and I wept for the pain he was going through. It was such a feeling of relief and cleansing in the deepest part of my soul. Thank you, Jesus!

As you walk through this process of healing, just keep reaching out to friends and sharing your heart. Isolation will produce hopelessness and fear. Friends will offer you hope and support. Jesus will give you peace and healing.

as far as overcoming the negative results from all of that stuff (and the marriage issues that CLOSELY parallel that relationship - kinda creepy, really! :o ), i think that will come in time as i continue pressing in to the LORD and who HE says that i am & will be (as He molds me), and trusting in HIM and not the world's views of me. because, really, the only one that matters is HIM!

thank you, guys. you really have NO idea of the changes that have taken place in my heart since i shared all of that with you (in spite of many, MANY reservations!!!). i will do my best to not dwell in this place, but also the have enough wisdom to ask for prayer support when i feel the weight of it pulling me down again (as well as a knock on the head to remind me to drop the idol! haha).

That's awesome, Cori. Step by step you will see complete victory. Remember that you are not responsible for other's actions and behavior. You can only "control" your own, so that is all you have to really worry about. And when you can, remember that it is not YOU who is rejected. Mistreatment by someone else goes back to who THEY ARE, not who you are. You can walk above that. Keep holding the hand of Jesus. "The Healing Hand of God!"

you guys ROCK!

If you ever want to pm me, feel free. I'm here. (((HUGS)))

[LauraA]

thank you, laura. i look forward to hearing more once you gather your thoughts. you have all been soooooooo encouraging! (is it cheesy to say i love you guys?? cuz....yeah...i DO!)

i know you are still dealing with some of those symptoms (camera-shy! speaking of....pics with jeremy at the m&g ARE voluntary, right???? :S ), but....you seem so well rounded now. how did you overcome some of the other symptoms (if i may glean from your wisdom....).

Thank you for those kind words. Remember, it's only by cyberspace...you haven't seen me in action yet. LOL. I can be pretty unsure of myself in real life. For instance, yesterday I was working at church with a friend. She's in charge of the SS Dept. at church and Dan and I do the Coffee Cabin. I was helping her wrap gifts for the SS children at the time and our pastor and one of his friends came over to the church. I had a Jeremy Camp sweatshirt on and honestly, I have worn it like 3 or 4 times since I bought it in July of 2007. So, I have that on and feel instantly condemned. Pastor is very NON judgemental and would never think or do this, but because I fight with the self esteem and image issue, I thought, "Oh no, he must think I worship Jeremy!" That lingered in my mind ALL DAY yesterday. I mentioned it to Connie and she said, "No way. He'd never think that. Don't give it another thought." Also, you know I home-school Ben. Well, instead of giving him 2 full weeks off school for Christmas and New Years, I cut his workload to 25%. This gives him a break, yet keeps him in study mode and in touch with what he's already learned. Ok, so we're still at church working yesterday and Ben was finished with his school work. I took my laptop and a couple Veggie Tale videos with us so he would watch them if he wanted to. So of course, he was watching videos when Pastor came in with his friend. And so right away I thought, "He's going to think I don't teach Ben and that I let him sit and watch videos all day!" Again, Pastor would never think that. He knows that Ben loves school and that he's a year ahead of where he should be age wise. See, I feel condemned. I told Connie how I was feeling about that, too, and she said the same thing. "Pastor wouldn't think that of you. He knows how much you work at giving Ben a good education. He knows YOU!" That relieved me, but it was in my head for a few hours. So, I deal with feeling inadequate, judged, condemned, not worthy of trust and things like that. It's all part of this ball of wax. LOL. In my "brain", I know when something is a symptom, but yet it's hard not to feel the emotion that comes along with the thoughts that attack me. I can pretty much buck up and rise above it because I have learned to call on Jesus right away and he hides me under His wings while ministering strength to me. Then I can walk boldly and with some measure of confidence...in HIM.

Lots of prayer has gone into recovering, yet I really don't focus on my past much. It's no longer part of my every day thoughts or life. It was for several years, but time has taken care of that. There is a distance now, between the past and the present, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to serve is brought about by me feeling like I"m not good enough and have to "do" enough to be of any worth. Our Pastor has preached and taught us many times that we are worthy because of the blood of Jesus and nothing else. Of course we know that because it's in God's Word. But to get it inside and really feel it's impact has been hard for me to do. Again, little by little it has sunk in.

Advice? Well, stay in God's Word. Pray. Keep your heart open to what He has for you. In life, be willing to say yes, but also be able to say no when you have to. (Saying no is very hard for me. You, too?) Have some good friends who can make you laugh and enjoy life's gifts. Don't think "too" much. LOL. Trust the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

thank you for your prayers & your commitment to walk with me. :)

You are right in that this place, these people here are like family. I'm so glad you've joined us. (And no it's not cheesy to express love, ever. I think it makes Jesus smile. :)

[jllm04]

Hey All,
Guess what? I did actually learn something today-Yay Me!

My hubby came home this afternoon, just needing to escape work for a little bit. So, I decide to try and talk to him, and it ended up just making him feel bad about how tight things are right now. Totally not my intention, but it happened anyway, probably because he's so stressed right now!
I followed him into the kitchen as he was getting a drink and put my hands on his face rubbed it a little bit and told him he should find a way to clear his head, go on back to work and kissed his cheek. I told him that everything would be ok.
He shook his head at me and said, "No, its not ok, and I'm so tired of everybody telling me its gonna be!" With this like serious gutterly voice and passionaite frustration. It sounded very familiar. He left and I just kept thinking about it. All of a sudden, it hits me-this is his Midland!

For those who don't know, he worked in Midland this summer. We were supposed to be moving there. Couldn't find a home, all sorts of craziness.
He was there for four months, all the traveling back and forth looking at schools, houses, etc...seeing him only on weekends, blah, blah, blah...
I missed my best friend so much, and I desperately wanted him back here. It was so hard to be here with the girls all alone. Not even having him home for a face to face dinner.

(gotta go fix dinner, but I shall return... :) )

Lana

[jllm04]

(well look at that, no one posted between my two posts...that'll make it easier to read...! haha :) )

Anyway, Midland. God really really broke me with this one. I don't know if I can even explain it with out you guys knowing us personally. By the end of it, I was so sick of it! I was just begging God to get our family reunited.
Our oldest was crying her way through school, little one decided it would be a fun thing to do to grab the very hot exhaust pipe one morning...My heart was breaking to try and find God's hand in all of it.
I challenged everything I believed God to be. I said to more than one person, and I think even on here that I just didn't see how much more our family could take and didn't know things were going to be ok. I just could not see it!
Complete and total frustration. I sounded just like John did today.

I had been struggling to figure out why John didn't seem to have the same sense of peace that I do about the fact that things will eventually be ok again.
Then God revealed it to me today. This is his Midland. Wow.
Gotta tell ya, I'm proud of him for doing what he's doing. It's not easy for him.
Its not easy period. This whole time stinks. (better version than what I really want to say...)

Please be in prayer for my husband. Since this is his journey, and I kind of know it, it's gonna be tough. And hopefully very short.

Lana :)

[Meadow]

you guys are all truly amazing!!!!! some of the best Christmas gifts i've EVER received!!! THANK YOU!!! :D

i really do feel TONS better after sharing all of that yuck. i really feel that you all know my heart was not to trash-talk my mom, and i feel that you all are praying for restoration here. i may sound crazy (although i think some of you are maybe board junkies like me, so you'll know EXACTLY what i'm talking about! lol), but....i really feel that you are all genuine friends who WANT to help carry the burden (and that's how i feel about each of you....bring it on! :D ). there really are no words to express my gratitude, and a mere "thank you" hardly seems enough!

it's funny, because i can go on my merry way, totally not even bothered by ANY of this. and i'll think God has finally finished the restoration of MY heart (while i'm aware that the restoration of the relationship will require much more time). but then, WHAM! something completely out of the blue..usually something small (like the abrupt ending of a phone call so she could finish her OTHER conversation)...will bring all of that other stuff flooding back in.

i guess what it all boils down to is that the hurt keeps resurfacing when the desire to understand comes back. when i lay down the idea of ever understanding (because i KNOW i never will!), it doesn't bother me as much. (i even find myself finding courage to step away from my wall! :o ) so....i just need to keep laying that desire for understanding down. (as a matter of fact, about a year ago, in my Bible study reading, the Lord exposed that desire for understanding as an IDOL in my life, so....i REEEEALLY need to be more diligent about tearing it down!!!).

as far as overcoming the negative results from all of that stuff (and the marriage issues that CLOSELY parallel that relationship - kinda creepy, really! , i think that will come in time as i continue pressing in to the LORD and who HE says that i am & will be (as He molds me), and trusting in HIM and not the world's views of me. because, really, the only one that matters is HIM!

thank you, guys. you really have NO idea of the changes that have taken place in my heart since i shared all of that with you (in spite of many, MANY reservations!!!). i will do my best to not dwell in this place, but also the have enough wisdom to ask for prayer support when i feel the weight of it pulling me down again (as well as a knock on the head to remind me to drop the idol! haha).

you guys ROCK!

Cori,
I hate that you had to go thru all of that and am so thankful that you feel better and you have blessed others by sharing your testimony. Sometimes we tend to bury things w/in us hoping to forget and not have to deal w/ it, but God always seems to have perfect timing for these things to surface and minister to those in different ways. I think we all have demons that taunt and haunt us, but our KING for exceeds any of that. Yes, indeed, thank You Jesus! i hope to post some scriptures tomorrow from my devotionals.
The music and lyrics of JCamp are very powerful and really minister directly to your heart in a healing sense. In Christ Alone! :)
~Leigh

[cori]

lana, my prayers are with you and your family! i know how hard the "midland" places can be - mine looked more like being a married single mother while my husband went through nursing school (full time employee + full time student = NO time husband & father), but....not having that face to face connection makes it sooooo hard to stay feeling connected to ANYTHING!

i pray for the Lord's peace to surround your husband and your entire family during this time, and for His answers to be revealed in that peace. :)

[cori]

ahhh, leigh - i don't think any blessings have come out of this testimony - YET! i do believe that it will become a testimony that may help people, but...i have a little farther to go down this path before it's anything useable. (well, in MY eyes, anyway..i know that God can use ANYTHING He wants to use, but....i think you got what i was getting at, so....yeah....)

for me, the biggest lesson of the last few years has been living in the PRESENT, with CHRIST, rather than slipping back into the past, with the memories. dealing with memories is sooo much easier to do when we're in the present, with Him....but when we slip back into the past, we're emotionally involved again, and just tend to repeat whatever we're supposed to be dealing with. (i don't even know if that sentence made any sense whatsoever!) anyway...

having such a loving place to be able to share some of the core parts of the issue was VERY helpful....i've shared bits & pieces with different people over the last few years, but....i've never felt free to share ALL of it. such freedom came just from being able to get it OUT of me....thank you all for listening. :)

laura, i read all of your posts in response to mine & i would like to talk a little more about some of them. but....today was a loooong day, and matthew was in a MOOD (grrrr!)...i've got a pounding headache, and i'm totally wiped out. i will get to those sometime tomorrow, i promise. :)

[LauraA]

Ahhh Cori. I totally understand time issues, kids demands and headaches. I have VERY little time, as you know. And I have 3 kids (2 are grown ups now), 4 grandkids and do home daycare and Sunday School. LOL. And I've had migraine headaches, usually 5 to 7 a week, for the past 16 or 17 years. (Praise God, they have recently changed and I'm only getting 1 a week or so. A blessing!) So no worries. Take your time and don't feel you have to respond in any certain time frame, or even at all if you aren't led to. You know what I"m saying...kind of babbling here.

Lana, it takes a wife who is in tune with her husband the with the Lord to have understanding like you have. You two have certainly been stretched in this situation. I'm still praying for you both.

[jllm04]

Thanks Laura and Cori!

I just can't believe sometimes what everyone has been through...its all crazy!
However, I am greatful that Jeremy was obedient to share his story.
Otherwise, I might very easily still be locked in my own head, dealing with my own muck. And none of us would be able to gain strength from each other to deal with the crazyiness in our own lives.

So, thanks for sharing everyone! :)

And, Merry Christmas to each of you!

Lana :)

[jllm04]

Cori,
I do know what you mean about wanting to share, and then feeling like if you do you'll get pulled back down that path.
Share what you feel you can, when you can, and um, if you need that knock on the head to not let you get stuck there, well, you can count on me!

(from one who may very easily need one herself! :) )

Lana

[Meadow]

(well look at that, no one posted between my two posts...that'll make it easier to read...! haha :) )

Anyway, Midland. God really really broke me with this one. I don't know if I can even explain it with out you guys knowing us personally. By the end of it, I was so sick of it! I was just begging God to get our family reunited.
Our oldest was crying her way through school, little one decided it would be a fun thing to do to grab the very hot exhaust pipe one morning...My heart was breaking to try and find God's hand in all of it.
I challenged everything I believed God to be. I said to more than one person, and I think even on here that I just didn't see how much more our family could take and didn't know things were going to be ok. I just could not see it!
Complete and total frustration. I sounded just like John did today.

I had been struggling to figure out why John didn't seem to have the same sense of peace that I do about the fact that things will eventually be ok again.
Then God revealed it to me today. This is his Midland. Wow.
Gotta tell ya, I'm proud of him for doing what he's doing. It's not easy for him.
Its not easy period. This whole time stinks. (better version than what I really want to say...)

Please be in prayer for my husband. Since this is his journey, and I kind of know it, it's gonna be tough. And hopefully very short.

Lana :)

Lana, I will be praying for you both and your children too. This does take a toll on everyone. It sounds like God is already showing intervention and you are being sensitive to His leading. It reminds me of the scripture about the wife being submissive to her husband by being silent and still waiting for Him to work thru the issue, but letting him know you're there for him. That is more appealing to a husband than confrontations, and He will take notice of that with your prayers reaching out. 1 Peter 3:1 "1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,"
God bless you, Lana and your family! ~Leigh :)

Here are some scriptures from my devotionals recently I said I would share w/ everyone( I keep seeing God place the same ones before more than once):

Psalm 9:9-10
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.

10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 91:14-16
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Isaiah 51:12
12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you.
Who are you that you fear mortal men,
the sons of men, who are but grass,

1 Samuel 2:10
10 those who oppose the LORD will be shattered.
He will thunder against them from heaven;
the LORD will judge the ends of the earth.
"He will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed."

Hebrews 4:14-16
14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 10:22-25
22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Galatians 3:15-22
15Brothers, let me take an example from everyday life. Just as no one can set aside or add to a human covenant that has been duly established, so it is in this case. 16The promises were spoken to Abraham and to his seed. The Scripture does not say "and to seeds," meaning many people, but "and to your seed," meaning one person, who is Christ. 17What I mean is this: The law, introduced 430 years later, does not set aside the covenant previously established by God and thus do away with the promise. 18For if the inheritance depends on the law, then it no longer depends on a promise; but God in his grace gave it to Abraham through a promise.
19What, then, was the purpose of the law? It was added because of transgressions until the Seed to whom the promise referred had come. The law was put into effect through angels by a mediator. 20A mediator, however, does not represent just one party; but God is one.

21Is the law, therefore, opposed to the promises of God? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law. 22But the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe.

Romans 5:1
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

1 John 5:1-12
1Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. 2This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.
6This is the one who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. 7For there are three that testify: 8the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement. 9We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God, which he has given about his Son. 10Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. 11And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. 12He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

Jeremiah 17:14-16
14 Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.

15 They keep saying to me,
"Where is the word of the LORD ?
Let it now be fulfilled!"

16 I have not run away from being your shepherd;
you know I have not desired the day of despair.
What passes my lips is open before you.

[cori]

and um, if you need that knock on the head to not let you get stuck there, well, you can count on me!

(from one who may very easily need one herself! :) )

Lana

hahahahahaha...a mutual knocking session, eh? :D that would be a guaranteed way to get a good dose of the LAUGHTER medicine, i'm sure! lol

for now, i think i've done all the sharing i needed to do - the Lord really dealt with a lot as i typed everything out here. i think right now i'm still in the acknowledgment stage of things....actually taking inventory of specific issues that are buried deep within to file them for being dealt with later. i'm QUITE certain, though, that some of that stuff is going to come up on Christmas (Christmas phone call.....i'm not expecting it to be long, but...those feelings tend to rise up anytime i talk to her - i think because she's always so nonchalant about things (if she's not complaining), and...it just drives me CRAZY!!!!! LAY IT DOWN, CORI! lana, knock...lol), but....i'm not going to anticipate it & risk ruining (another) Christmas by stressing out about it.

how about you? how are things going with your parents? i'm guessing that, if they are close, there's more contact than usual because of the holidays? i hope they are being supportive of you guys during this transition stage, too, and not second guessing every decision that doesn't fit into THEIR ideals for your life? i'm still praying for you guys!!!!

[cori]

Hebrews 10:22-25
22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

leigh, i LOVE this passage!!!! it is a perfect picture of what we are on these boards to each other (i hope i've been here long enough to lump myself in with you guys! lol). v22 is what i believe we are ALL doing individually, in our OWN lives. v24&25, we ARE doing on these boards....i've seen it in action CONSISTENTLY since i've joined, and....as we are doing what's in those 2 verses, we are encouraging each other to do v23 in our own lives. i LOVE it!! :D

thank you sooooo much for sharing. :)

[Meadow]

leigh, i LOVE this passage!!!! it is a perfect picture of what we are on these boards to each other (i hope i've been here long enough to lump myself in with you guys! lol). v22 is what i believe we are ALL doing individually, in our OWN lives. v24&25, we ARE doing on these boards....i've seen it in action CONSISTENTLY since i've joined, and....as we are doing what's in those 2 verses, we are encouraging each other to do v23 in our own lives. i LOVE it!! :D

thank you sooooo much for sharing. :)


Yes, definitely Cori! :) This is the one scripture God keeps placing before me in my devotion recently. It's neat to see God confirm His leading in our lives...where we are needed. And yes, Cori you are a big part of the "we" here. Your testimony did bless me and I'm sure it blessed others. It takes a lot of strength to be transparent and I think it is inspiring! It gives others the courage to step out and test the waters. Just take it "One Day At A Time." Let me know after you listen to the song. :) Enjoy!
Sometimes the smallest things in our day we over look that just might be a blessing fluttering around you waiting to land once you are still. He reveals so much to us when we get still and just rest in Him. My prayers are w/ you and your family. Stay weak in His strength! He will see you thru every step of the way. Thank you for the blessing ~Leigh

[Convicted]

hmmmm, i'm gonna go with SUPERHERO! :D i will rise up & fight, and - because HE won, and i'm fighting on HIS side.....i WILL have the victory! :D

2 cor. 12:9 &10 have been my anthem for the last 5 years, when God really showed me what those 2 verses REALLY mean. not that i'm always able to REMEMBER them when i need them, but...the second i DO remember them, they are the backbone to every situation that feels like a crisis in my life.

It's funny, because a few hours (if that) after I typed that about 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, I went to my other forum and it was like God gave me another confirmation. (Just like God :)) Someone else typed that Exact Scripture... So awesome! I agree as well - it's a Scripture to have at the forefront of our mindset. (as are all, but yeah...)

About the suprehero concept... Jesus is the greatest Superhero who ever lived! (even though that title really isn't enough to describe Him - He's so beyond what words alone can describe.... it's amazing). And as Jesus is the greatest Superhero, we are to live our lives following in His footsteps, letting His phenomenal heroism flow through our lives everyday... inspite of all the challenges we face from that. Everything really comes down to just being a vessel. In the good, in the bad... we're just here for God to use. It's all about Him...flowing through us. Life with Christ, is the ultimate thrill ride.

[Convicted]

my biggest thing is this, though...i HAVE come through all of this before, and...while it still holds great power over me, i have to continually recognize that I have control over how much power it has over me. i can either give in to its power & succumb to depression (again!), or i can choose to exert my God-given authority to stand up in HIM, and move forward. the choice is obvious, but for some reason just doesn't seem to come too easily! :S but...after the last year & getting over the cutting & suicidal depression (ALL depression, actually!), i REFUSE to slip back into THAT deathtrap! i will do all that i can - NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES (i wonder if he gets sick of us constantly quoting his songs?? lol) - to keep climbing UP this mountain, until i've found Him in the HIGHEST place. and...i will continue to praise Him all the way up, no matter HOW much the terrain hurts. THIS is my commitment (...that i share with MUCH fear & trembling, but..i know that i can do it because HE strengthens ME! and His strength is made PERFECT in my weakness, so...i make it in boldness, too! if that makes any sense....).

Yep, that's one of the hardest things. Once you recognize the lies, traps, and notice your continual reactions and behaviors to things - you have to take those steps (which often times are very hard, painful, and difficult to make at first) to break out of that cycle that's been keeping you bound by the past and hurts, etc.. You know what this reminds me of?!?! It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite songs... Legacy from Kutless. I'm gonna post the lyrics here, because I really think they have a lot to do with breaking free from the past... And God has really used them a LOT in my life.

Oh the memories,
Of all the things that shouldn't be.
They take you away from all you should be
Don't let it go by as if you agree

[CHORUS:]
Nightmares of the past will fade away
The future of your name is what will stay
Never try to blame the past for everything you say
You have the power you need, to change your legacy

Do you really want to be, just like the very ones you blame; who take you away from all you should be
Don't just stand by as if you agree

Think of the future and when you are gone. How will you be remembered then?
For all time you can be the one who changed the name. You changed the name. You changed your name. You changed the name.

You have the power you need, to change your legacy. Change your legacy.

Obviously the only way to change, is through Christ! It's so awesome His power is working in us, and changing us constantly. It's a metamorphis - we're new creations! (2 Corinthians 5:17) The past is gone, the future is ahead, don't miss out on the opportunities of the present!

[Convicted]

that's another one of those easier said than done things, but....true healing will never come until we (i) lay down those learned responses and begin to TRULY trust HIM (by means of trusting other people without assuming the experience will be a carbon copy of the hurtful past). and....the fact of the matter is that it will never be achieved unless there is practice along the way - practice of actually DOING it. so....rather than seeing myself as a victim in this, i'm seeing it as the bud of another branch on the tree, and i intend to make it bear fruit.

Completely true. It all goes back to renewing our perceptions and then taking the steps in the right direction to break out of that place, and do something different. I'm gonna start praying (I already do, but I mean take the prayers to another level of urgency), about having the right perception, and audacity to shake out of all places that have held me from God's will, the present, and my future.


indeed, but....as the saying goes, good things come to those who WAIT. coupled with no PAIN, NO gain. i can't just sit around & wait for the healing - restoration to fall in my lap, but....i have to be willing to do the work in my own heart to receive those things. i have to prune the hurt/anger/bitterness/hardness-of-heart out of my life - by dealing with them! - and i have to water my heart with the Word, otherwise there will be NO fruit. only an overgrowth of weeds, that will choke the life out of me, for sure! (this is one of those praying for patience things - dont pray for patience because the only way to get it is to LEARN it! i prayed for restoration of this relationship, and....before the restoration can happen, i need to DEAL with it.

Faith + Endurance + Action + Openess to Learning = Restoration + Deeper Relationship with God + Future Ministry (which isn't limited to an organization) + Fruit & Rewards from the Labor.

This really is an endless equation. God really is the ultimate mathematician.


so....as odd as it sounds, it IS an answer to prayer - just not the answer i was hoping for! :S lol anyway...)

Yeah, so often we pray for things and the answer never comes the way we want or expect it to. But He knows best.

[Convicted]

the night i sat down & typed everything out, as i was lying in bed contemplating everything i shared & dealing with the onslaught of memories that sharing it brought back to mind, God spoke 2 words to me. "beautiful hell" of course, it got my attention, because it seems completely paradoxical, but....when i asked Him about it, (the first thing He said was "write," so...i'm not exactly sure what it's going to end up being when i do the WRITE part of it...i don't want to rush it, so i'm waiting for the wknd when i will have some time) He just showed me how the places that we've always considered so safe, so homey, so welcoming, so beautiful.....sometimes they can be our personal experience of hell on earth. we are lured there because of what is offered there - comfort, acceptance, love, rest (and on and on), but..you're absolutely right - satan lurks there, ready to bring & keep us down. we can get up & walk out at any time, but we choose to stay there because we are so blinded by the false comforts of that place. anyway....it'll make more sense once i do the WRITE part of it, because....He usually speaks volumes to me when His explanation is just to write. i have to wait until it's quiet here & i don't have a gazillion thoughts running through my head. just the prayer about His answer to the random statement (this is not the first time with this sort of thing), and....when i'm ready (waiting on Him, i mean), it's almost like He takes over the pen - i don't know what i'm writing until i'm finished & take the time to read over what came out. so...anyway....your reference to prisons & an always-available escape reminded me of that...

That's an intriguing concept, "Beautiful Hell." It almost sounds like it should be a song. For some reason, I find many, many concepts God gives us to be paradoxical in some form. The whole "lose you life to save it" & "give to receive" etc... are all concepts God gives us that seem very paradoxical. Most of the paradox part of it has to do with our minds being so accustomed to this distorted mindset, that we have to learn how things are in the Kingdom. I've always been drawn to the paradoxical phenomenons. The beauty in the dark side. The cosmos in the chaos. The silence in the noise. The peace in the midst of utter havoc. This list really goes on and on and on. I believe paradoxical things have a lot to do with the two extremisms: the accurate perception to the completely distorted one. The toughest place for us, is being stuck inbetween the two. I'd love to hear more about this concept once it's been clearly revealed to you.

And yes, that's exactly what God will do! He'll speak a few random words to you, and then once you write He'll extrapolate from there on with the complete meaning. It's so wonderful. :) That's always what happens when I write, especially songs. He does take over - we can't create those connection He makes. He downloads those extraordinary connections between things when we write. It's something we really can't do in ourselves... We really Are the pen - He's the One doing the writing. Everytime I write... I just pray that He takes over - that the words I'm about to write are words He directs me to write. Words, I don't make up. Words that are from His mouth. Just thinking of writing... if people think the words I write/speak/sing are from me... that's just like plagiarism. I CAN'T take the credit for that. If I do... I'm committing an illegal offense. I absolutely refrain from taking the credit - the glory, for what God says to me or what He does through me... Because... It's NOT me. It's Him. It's ALL about Christ. "From the Inside Out" - Hillsong "The art of losing myself, in bringing You praise." That is where my heart longs to be. That is the place where God is taking me to a deeper level in. The writing, reminds me of this Scripture: My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Psalm 45:1 I love that Scripture. :)

[Convicted]

I just can't believe sometimes what everyone has been through...its all crazy!
However, I am greatful that Jeremy was obedient to share his story.
Otherwise, I might very easily still be locked in my own head, dealing with my own muck. And none of us would be able to gain strength from each other to deal with the crazyiness in our own lives.


This reminds me of what the Body of Christ really is! It's purpose is to grow with each other in the love of Christ. I'm also thankful to Jeremy & everyone here for this forum and for posting on it. It truly is a place God has His hand on, as He does each of us.

Blessings, Joy & Restoration to everyone here!

[Convicted]

i don't think any blessings have come out of this testimony - YET! i do believe that it will become a testimony that may help people, but...i have a little farther to go down this path before it's anything useable. (well, in MY eyes, anyway..i know that God can use ANYTHING He wants to use, but....i think you got what i was getting at, so....yeah....)


I know exactly what you mean, as I've felt similar innumerous amounts of times, and still feel that way sometimes (maybe even many times) but I have to say... You really are a huge blessing to everyone here on the boards. Seriously, just speaking for myself, God has used you to encourage me.. And as I've recognized through the years God's been teaching me about endurance, that encouragement is really the backbone and power boost of endurance. Without encouragement (in really whatever form God presents that to me)... I really wouldn't be where I am today. I don't even know where I'd be, or even if I'd be, without it. So I want to thank you for being an encouragement to me, many times. More than you know, and even more than I know. I want to thank everyone else here also... I could name everyone here on the board! Because you all have encouraged me in some way. Really though, don't think you can't be used by God at any point in your life (even if you're still in the process of preparation - that still looks and feels very gruesome and shattered). You can always be a blessing to others, even if you don't feel like you can be yourself. And I know most of us here are already consciously aware of this, but keep that knowledge alive in your heart. It instills hope that we desperately need. Often times, when we reach out to someone else, while we're still encountering excruciating pain in our own lives, that's when God brings us to a whole new level of healing. 'Cause then we're not staying lost inside ourselves, but we're allowing God to impact others through us - even though we may feel completely useless at the time.

We don't live by feelings, what we see, or even what logic indicates to us. =]

[Convicted]

Just take it "One Day At A Time." Let me know after you listen to the song. :) Enjoy!
Sometimes the smallest things in our day we over look that just might be a blessing fluttering around you waiting to land once you are still. He reveals so much to us when we get still and just rest in Him. My prayers are w/ you and your family. Stay weak in His strength! He will see you thru every step of the way. Thank you for the blessing ~Leigh

I love all of the Scripture you posted Leigh. It's awesome! And some of things I've been thinking & reading upon.

I love that song!!!! One of my favorites. (I think I have a lot of favorites. :D)

And that's so true! The smallest things can actually have some of the greatest impacts on us.

I love how you say, "Stay weak in His strength." I can't really tell you how much I love that. :)

[cori]

Yes, definitely Cori! :) This is the one scripture God keeps placing before me in my devotion recently. It's neat to see God confirm His leading in our lives...where we are needed. And yes, Cori you are a big part of the "we" here. Your testimony did bless me and I'm sure it blessed others. It takes a lot of strength to be transparent and I think it is inspiring! It gives others the courage to step out and test the waters. Just take it "One Day At A Time." Let me know after you listen to the song. :) Enjoy!
Sometimes the smallest things in our day we over look that just might be a blessing fluttering around you waiting to land once you are still. He reveals so much to us when we get still and just rest in Him. My prayers are w/ you and your family. Stay weak in His strength! He will see you thru every step of the way. Thank you for the blessing ~Leigh

thank you, leigh! i'm glad that it was a blessing for you - it was a blessing to be able to unload some of that stuff, for sure. i didn't even see the transparency thing as a possible blessing, but....i should have! how many times i've been more (emotionally) prepared to walk through a hard situation because someone else has shared about their experience - in its entirety - and come out on the other side. another example how obedience to even the SMALLEST, seemingly insignificant thing CAN bear fruit! :)

the song is great!!!! it's added to the "repeat" list now! haha (and i'm so stuck on the repeat list, another Christmas is about to pass by without me breaking in hc's 2 Christmas cd's that i got LAST year!!! :o lol)

[cori]

[QUOTE=Convicted;14240]Yep, that's one of the hardest things. Once you recognize the lies, traps, and notice your continual reactions and behaviors to things - you have to take those steps (which often times are very hard, painful, and difficult to make at first) to break out of that cycle that's been keeping you bound by the past and hurts, etc.. God was showing me a lot about freedom a few years ago (in the midst of another "crisis"), and used one of heather clark's songs (surprise) to really drive the point home. i won't post the lyrics, unless you're interested in them, but...throughout the song, she makes reference to different seasons & scenarios of life. after 2 or 3, she says "and i have learned to be free" - ALL through the song. immediately i thought of one of my pastor's illustrations -> someone had once asked a circus worker (who worked with elephants) how such a small stake can hold the massive elephant captive, when it's clearly evident that the elephant could simply walk away. the circus worker explained that, as babies, the elephants are tied to a stake - but since they are so young, they aren't strong enough to break free. they struggle & struggle to break free, but eventually they learn that they are held captive by the small stake and stop fighting it. by the time they are grown elephants, they are held captive - not so much by the stake, but by their MIND - they KNOW that they can't break free from the stake, so they don't even bother trying! and it's true with us - we become bound by our learned behaviors....we ARE free, we become free the second we accept salvation as He promised it. but we don't LIVE in freedom, because we have our entire lives shaping our mindset. we have to LEARN how to walk in freedom.....and, until we LEARN to do it, we are going to keep slipping back into the familiar bondages we have grown up in.

I] Legacy[/I] from Kutless. wow, this song is POWERFUL!!!! and sooo true - we can't let the negative experiences shape who we are, otherwise we become the very thing we despise!!!

Obviously the only way to change, is through Christ! It's so awesome His power is working in us, and changing us constantly. It's a metamorphis - we're new creations! (2 Corinthians 5:17) The past is gone, the future is ahead, don't miss out on the opportunities of the present! exactly right!!!! it's so easy to lose sight of that - which is probably why we are instructed to bear one another's burdens! haha (can you see my lightbulb???? hehe) i am sooooo glad that He loves me enough to accept me just the way that i am, and even MORE thankful that He loves me enough to demand that i change!

[cori]

Yeah, so often we pray for things and the answer never comes the way we want or expect it to. But He knows best.


a friend of mine is always saying that God DOES answer EVERY prayer. sometimes it's "yes" (the answer we're hoping for), sometimes it's "no" (when we get a very clear-cut NO), and sometimes (when it seems that He's NOT answering) it's "I have something better in store..." prayer definitely goes with WAITING ON THE LORD!!! i've allowed myself to live in such heartache after receiving a "yes" i didn't need, a "no" i didn't want, and trying to rush into His "something better." i've found that my "crisis" times are usually my times of waiting for Him in the wilderness.....a time to quiet my soul & truly listen to Him, without the demands of life pulling my attention this way & that. and, i've also found that, even though the journey getting there may have been one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life (to date), the destination truly is "something better." (this goes back to that BOLD prayer for patience i whispered several years ago! :o lol)

[cori]

[QUOTE=Convicted;14247]That's an intriguing concept, "Beautiful Hell." It almost sounds like it should be a song. yeah, it really struck me. my first thought was "song" too, but...i've never written a song, so....i dismissed that one completely! then i thought "poem," but...poetry has ALWAYS been elusive to me. i've never been good at poetry - of course, i've always been thinking too much about it when i tried, so...who knows. anyway, i asked God to clarify a little, and He simply said, "write." so....we'll see what He does with it.

For some reason, I find many, many concepts God gives us to be paradoxical in some form. The whole "lose you life to save it" & "give to receive" etc... are all concepts God gives us that seem very paradoxical. Most of the paradox part of it has to do with our minds being so accustomed to this distorted mindset, that we have to learn how things are in the Kingdom. i think you've hit the nail on the head with this one - there really is no paradox. it's the difference between living in the spirit and living in the flesh. the more we walk in the spirit, the more we understand about His ways (he who has eyes to see, let him see....of course, i don't know the reference :S ). the more we walk in the flesh, the more the ways of the Lord confound us. i also think it's a way for Him to bring us into the deeper understanding of His ways - to reach out to us in our world, giving us revelation into His world as He pulls us out of ours.

The toughest place for us, is being stuck in between the two. yep, it's a literal tug-of-war in the spiritual realm. and we have to choose which side we're going to help pull our hearts!

I'd love to hear more about this concept once it's been clearly revealed to you. i first need to sit down & OBEY what He has said to me - i should be able to get to that tonight. the wknd is a complete blur, it was so crazy. (endless errands on friday, noah's classroom Christmas party, more errands, feeding boys, dropping them off at a friend's house for youth group, doing the message for youth group, crashing before the boys after youth group! lol - playing in the snow & babysitting the granddaughter on saturday - church & lunch afterwards yesterday, caroling with the church after that...) once it's all written, i'll probably have to muster up some courage to share it, but....i'll work on that once i've done what He's told me to do. :)

And yes, that's exactly what God will do! He'll speak a few random words to you, and then once you write He'll extrapolate from there on with the complete meaning. that's been my experience, too. :) i've also learned that a deeper understanding does NOT come without the obedience to the WRITING part of it, too! (and, for me, it has to be hand-written! i always prefer typing, because i can type like a madman - my fingers can actually keep up with my brain, so it' easy to not lose track of where i was going with a thought...but....then it's easy for my brain to take over again & i lose a lot of insight that way)

He does take over - we can't create those connection He makes. oh man, for SURE!!!!! i've had times that i'm reading through something after having spent some time writing & i'm like, "huh, look at THAT!" lol i love it when i read something like that - something that i KNOW did NOT come from me, because i KNOW that it came from the Lord!

I absolutely refrain from taking the credit - the glory, for what God says to me or what He does through me... Because... It's NOT me. It's Him. It's ALL about Christ. oh man, i SO know what you're saying here! a while ago, i was "facilitating" a ladies Bible study at my church. all the ladies that were going (and the pastor!) would tell you that i was LEADING the Bible study, but....i just facilitated it. the ONLY thing i did was share what God spoke to me during the readings i was doing over the week (and make sure i got there first to unlock the door and get heat/ac on - does that count as leadership?? lol) - we were all doing the same readings & getting together to discuss them (we had some really great insights & revelations, too, from sharing each other's wells of revelation with each other!), but i was constantly being told that i was sharing great stuff. i kept saying, "that's how i know it didn't come from me! it's what God is doing in my life...." the things i learned in that study - there is NO way i could ever know that in my OWN effort! one particular study i shared my notes on, i even had a friend with a theological doctorate degree (:o!!!) in awe of what was learned, so....with my big high school diploma, you can't convince me that it wasn't sheer divine revelation!!!! lol

The writing, reminds me of this Scripture: My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Psalm 45:1 I love that Scripture. :) that is a good one! a few years ago, the Lord had been really pressing me to get back to writing. (i always wrote as a kid, but ran into writer's block very young.....when i was dealing with the "crisis" of noah's diagnosis, He was pressing me to write about it....even to the extent of using other people to press me to write about it) the depression really put up a roadblock (i allowed the depression to BE a roadblock, rather) to that, but....i think God is calling me to go back there again. how great is it that instead of beating us for our disobedience, He simply takes us back to the place of disobedience & gives the instruction again!

[cori]

[QUOTE=Convicted;14249]I have to say... You really are a huge blessing to everyone here on the boards. thank you! usually, after a huge flurry of posts (like right now, while i'm playing "mustard" hehe), i'll be sitting here going, "ok, these people are going to get soooooooo sick of me!!! i better back off a little bit!" lol, so....thank you for YOUR encouragement!

Seriously, just speaking for myself, God has used you to encourage me.. YAY! He used me!!! :D (and i hope He KEEPS doing it!!!)

And as I've recognized through the years God's been teaching me about endurance, that encouragement is really the backbone and power boost of endurance. Without encouragement (in really whatever form God presents that to me)... I really wouldn't be where I am today. you know, we can ALL say the same thing! a little bit of encouragement goes a LOOOOOOONG way, for sure! (my feeble attempts at running track in high school gave me some pretty good lessons on that one!) it makes me think of the blind death crawl scene in facing the giants - such a powerful example of how we boost each other's ability to endure just by being an encouragement to each other! i'm blessed to be able to be a part of such a wonderful backbone!

So I want to thank you for being an encouragement to me, many times. More than you know, and even more than I know. you are very welcome!! and thank YOU for your encouragement in MY life!!!! :) *sings* that's what friends are forrrrr....lol :) seriously, though....it's definitely a mutual blessing! thank you!

I want to thank everyone else here also... I could name everyone here on the board! Because you all have encouraged me in some way. i second that!!!!! :D

Really though, don't think you can't be used by God at any point in your life (even if you're still in the process of preparation - that still looks and feels very gruesome and shattered). i am slowly learning (i thought i learned it, but...i'm STILL learning it, so....apparently it's either a BIG lesson, or...i'm pretty slow! ha!) that the Lord does the MOST through me when i allow Him to work through the gruesome & broken places in my life. and..it makes sense, in a weird kind of way. people tend to want to reach out to people that they know have been where they are....but they (in my limited experience, anyway) even MORE want to have a companion on their journey through those places in their lives. if i shut down & isolate myself in those times of brokenness, not only am i hindering my OWN healing, but i am completely stopping what God can do through me in someone else's life. i do NOT want to make THAT choice anymore!!

You can always be a blessing to others, even if you don't feel like you can be yourself. And I know most of us here are already consciously aware of this, but keep that knowledge alive in your heart. It instills hope that we desperately need. Often times, when we reach out to someone else, while we're still encountering excruciating pain in our own lives, that's when God brings us to a whole new level of healing. 'Cause then we're not staying lost inside ourselves, but we're allowing God to impact others through us - even though we may feel completely useless at the time. exactly!!! EVERYTHING that has been said over the last few days all comes down to this. His strength is made perfect in our weakness....but only if we walk it out. if we sit at home, curled up & crying, we're just isolating ourselves from the rest of the Vine - cutting off all ties to life support. (and, as laura said, that only produces hopelessness!!!!!) we "can't live this way too long...there's more than [this]" but when we go out & face the world in spite of what's going on inside, He gives us the strength to endure, and...through that strength, we are eventually able to reach out - usually FOR help, and we end up OFFERING help at the same time.

We don't live by feelings, what we see, or even what logic indicates to us. =] hahahahahahaha, it's soooo funny that you say that! (it's God speaking through you, not "funny" or "coincidence" but...it did HIT me funny when i read it! lol) when i was in the middle of the situation that brought me to my knees with the depression (it was the one thing that kept coming back up & pushing me back down - it started me on the downward spiral, where i got to that place where i was no longer in control), one thing seemed to KEEP coming up in almost EVERYTHING my pastor said. "it's not about FEELINGS, it's about FAITH!" so....thank you for THAT reminder!!

[cori]

ok, so....for whatever reason, when i sat down to listen to music today (it is its own experience, for me...i can't listen to music while i'm doing something else, because the music holds my attention), i pulled a cd off the shelf that i haven't listened to in probably 2 yrs (heather). as i was listening to it, God reminded me of part of the last song on the cd & another song on a different cd (alberto & kim rivera - the longing), and spoke one word - "lana." so....lana, these are for you...for anyone who may need the encouragement, really, but...God specifically said lana, so.....

the heather clark song, it's from her first spontaneous prophetic worship cd. she took the line "how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed" from amazing grace & just spent some time soaking in everything that statement means. basically, it takes her back to her first love (the hour i first believed), and.....this one part really helped me through the biological father issues (before God started speaking to me about restoration...):

how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed
how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed, i first believed
when i first believed, when i first believed, first...

first step of a child, first love, first spoke, first felt so safe
first time, at first glance, i felt new
first time my fingers touched (first time)
the first time i tasted the goodness of God (first drink)
the goodness of God (first taste), the goodness of God (mm goodness)

first love, first words, first steps (first time)
the first dance, i remember my first dance
first song i sang

the first dance was like a daughter who was dancing for her father
tripping and sprinting all around
wasn't i beautiful, wasn't i wonderful? didn't you make me feel like the favorite one?

the totally dealt with the absence of my biological father - all the feelings of rejection, etc... that not having that very first daddy dance (oh man, that reminds me of another song that helped me work through that one! i'll save that for another time, though, because....that's kind of a different avenue than what God started me on with this...), and gave the assurance that HIS love is not the same as his love. He would fill every empty place in my heart with that daughter-seeking-daddy love that i so desperately wanted to have (and He has!).

and then the song by alberto & kim rivera - TOTALLY self explanatory:

i saw you as a little girl, putting these beautiful dresses on
saying, "mommy, daddy, look at me. look at the beautiful princess that i am."
you dressed well for the part, because i say you are a queen.
you are royalty, royalty

and I remember looking upon your face
and I remember washing over you with My tears
'cuz i saw the very day that you stopped believing that you were a princess
and My heart broke, and My tears flowed out
My tears flowed out like a river
and I say now I'm gathering you
I'm gathering every piece of your heart that has been scattered
and I am making it new, I'm making it new
and your countenance shall reflect the mirror that I place before you
because you are to know that when I see you
I see the queen that I created

so what will you decree, what do you want to see?
what will you decree, what do you want to see?

this day, this day is your coronation day
this day, this day you are being crowned
you are being crowned and a sceptor is being placed in your hand
for you are worthy, you are worthy
and I shall present you, I shall present you to the nations
and I shall roll out My red carpet, and you shall walk through with ease
'cuz you were made, you were made to be a queen
'cuz you were made, you were made to be seen
and I see you, and I see you, and I see you
and I hear you, even when you whisper, even when you whisper

ok....that TOTALLY dealt with my feelings of worthlessness!!! (and i think i need to revisit this one for another level of dealing with it, being that in the whole kingdom/queen scenario, i feel blessed to be considered worthy enough to go muck stalls in the barn!) and the whole "you were made to be SEEN" about ripped my heart out (in the healing way, if that makes sense...)!! i don't know if they've got anything on youtube, but....it really is a powerful song. the way they did the music with it really adds even MORE power to the lyrics (if that's possible!)...it really creates an atmosphere of sitting in God's lap, having HIM say those things to you.

anyway...there's my obedience for the day (and i plan to NOT keep it limited to that!!! lol pray for me! haha)

[Meadow]

I love all of the Scripture you posted Leigh. It's awesome! And some of things I've been thinking & reading upon.

I love that song!!!! One of my favorites. (I think I have a lot of favorites. :D)

And that's so true! The smallest things can actually have some of the greatest impacts on us.

I love how you say, "Stay weak in His strength." I can't really tell you how much I love that. :)
'
It's amazing it's like He lays the path out right before us. We get so busy sometimes we have to remember to "slow down" (Slow Down Time!) and wait for Him because we can miss out on so much.
Thank you!:) That is so encouraging to know. :)
I think some people don't really realize the power that God holds in their lives and at their weakest moments it is magnified and amphified. Our strength comes from Him-
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me"

1 Timothy 6:12
"Fight the good fight of the faith."

[Meadow]

thank you, leigh! i'm glad that it was a blessing for you - it was a blessing to be able to unload some of that stuff, for sure. i didn't even see the transparency thing as a possible blessing, but....i should have! how many times i've been more (emotionally) prepared to walk through a hard situation because someone else has shared about their experience - in its entirety - and come out on the other side. another example how obedience to even the SMALLEST, seemingly insignificant thing CAN bear fruit! :)

the song is great!!!! it's added to the "repeat" list now! haha (and i'm so stuck on the repeat list, another Christmas is about to pass by without me breaking in hc's 2 Christmas cd's that i got LAST year!!! :o lol)

It only takes one small seed to produce fruit (along w/ the nourishment of the seed). *The parable of the sower- Mark 4 comes to mind.
I'm so glad you love the song! it is awesome! Hey since Jeremy's new CD i haven't listened to as much Christmas music as I normally do, well i have been blogging some about different Christmas songs. I finally heard Christ Is Come! I love it. I tried to view the Youtube video, but it says it is no longer available each time I try to refresh the page.

[Meadow]

ok, so....for whatever reason, when i sat down to listen to music today (it is its own experience, for me...i can't listen to music while i'm doing something else, because the music holds my attention), i pulled a cd off the shelf that i haven't listened to in probably 2 yrs (heather). as i was listening to it, God reminded me of part of the last song on the cd & another song on a different cd (alberto & kim rivera - the longing), and spoke one word - "lana." so....lana, these are for you...for anyone who may need the encouragement, really, but...God specifically said lana, so.....

the heather clark song, it's from her first spontaneous prophetic worship cd. she took the line "how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed" from amazing grace & just spent some time soaking in everything that statement means. basically, it takes her back to her first love (the hour i first believed), and.....this one part really helped me through the biological father issues (before God started speaking to me about restoration...):

how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed
how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed, i first believed
when i first believed, when i first believed, first...

first step of a child, first love, first spoke, first felt so safe
first time, at first glance, i felt new
first time my fingers touched (first time)
the first time i tasted the goodness of God (first drink)
the goodness of God (first taste), the goodness of God (mm goodness)

first love, first words, first steps (first time)
the first dance, i remember my first dance
first song i sang

the first dance was like a daughter who was dancing for her father
tripping and sprinting all around
wasn't i beautiful, wasn't i wonderful? didn't you make me feel like the favorite one?

the totally dealt with the absence of my biological father - all the feelings of rejection, etc... that not having that very first daddy dance (oh man, that reminds me of another song that helped me work through that one! i'll save that for another time, though, because....that's kind of a different avenue than what God started me on with this...), and gave the assurance that HIS love is not the same as his love. He would fill every empty place in my heart with that daughter-seeking-daddy love that i so desperately wanted to have (and He has!).

and then the song by alberto & kim rivera - TOTALLY self explanatory:

i saw you as a little girl, putting these beautiful dresses on
saying, "mommy, daddy, look at me. look at the beautiful princess that i am."
you dressed well for the part, because i say you are a queen.
you are royalty, royalty

and I remember looking upon your face
and I remember washing over you with My tears
'cuz i saw the very day that you stopped believing that you were a princess
and My heart broke, and My tears flowed out
My tears flowed out like a river
and I say now I'm gathering you
I'm gathering every piece of your heart that has been scattered
and I am making it new, I'm making it new
and your countenance shall reflect the mirror that I place before you
because you are to know that when I see you
I see the queen that I created

so what will you decree, what do you want to see?
what will you decree, what do you want to see?

this day, this day is your coronation day
this day, this day you are being crowned
you are being crowned and a sceptor is being placed in your hand
for you are worthy, you are worthy
and I shall present you, I shall present you to the nations
and I shall roll out My red carpet, and you shall walk through with ease
'cuz you were made, you were made to be a queen
'cuz you were made, you were made to be seen
and I see you, and I see you, and I see you
and I hear you, even when you whisper, even when you whisper

ok....that TOTALLY dealt with my feelings of worthlessness!!! (and i think i need to revisit this one for another level of dealing with it, being that in the whole kingdom/queen scenario, i feel blessed to be considered worthy enough to go muck stalls in the barn!) and the whole "you were made to be SEEN" about ripped my heart out (in the healing way, if that makes sense...)!! i don't know if they've got anything on youtube, but....it really is a powerful song. the way they did the music with it really adds even MORE power to the lyrics (if that's possible!)...it really creates an atmosphere of sitting in God's lap, having HIM say those things to you.

anyway...there's my obedience for the day (and i plan to NOT keep it limited to that!!! lol pray for me! haha)

Cori, thank you for sharing this it is beautiful! What a blessing! I could really get a visual picture thru the lyrics alone. I love to listen to music and close my eyes and see the picture that the music artist is painting. Music is so inspiring, encouraging, and mysterious to magical. To me music can be an easy escape and you never have to have an excuse to want to escape into a deeper place w/ God. Music to me I guess would be like someone's love for chocolate and to indulge in it they find pleasure(probably not a good habit), but my desire to indulge in music and drown myself in His love would be a great thing. So great there just resting in Him. i love how you said about sitting in His lap, I've experienced those same thoughts. i can feel your pain Cori w/ the rejection, it hurts, but there is ONE that will never forsake you and I believe it is safe for me to say we are here for you too! Stay weak in His strength! ~Leigh

[Meadow]

I know exactly what you mean, as I've felt similar innumerous amounts of times, and still feel that way sometimes (maybe even many times) but I have to say... You really are a huge blessing to everyone here on the boards. Seriously, just speaking for myself, God has used you to encourage me.. And as I've recognized through the years God's been teaching me about endurance, that encouragement is really the backbone and power boost of endurance. Without encouragement (in really whatever form God presents that to me)... I really wouldn't be where I am today. I don't even know where I'd be, or even if I'd be, without it. So I want to thank you for being an encouragement to me, many times. More than you know, and even more than I know. I want to thank everyone else here also... I could name everyone here on the board! Because you all have encouraged me in some way. Really though, don't think you can't be used by God at any point in your life (even if you're still in the process of preparation - that still looks and feels very gruesome and shattered). You can always be a blessing to others, even if you don't feel like you can be yourself. And I know most of us here are already consciously aware of this, but keep that knowledge alive in your heart. It instills hope that we desperately need. Often times, when we reach out to someone else, while we're still encountering excruciating pain in our own lives, that's when God brings us to a whole new level of healing. 'Cause then we're not staying lost inside ourselves, but we're allowing God to impact others through us - even though we may feel completely useless at the time.

We don't live by feelings, what we see, or even what logic indicates to us. =]

Yes, I have to ditto that to everyone, Cori & Convicted- you both have been a HUGE blessing here! :) Stay weak in His strength! Breathe Him~Leigh
1 Thessalonians 1:2-6
2We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. 3We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
4For we know, brothers loved by God, that he has chosen you, 5because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake. 6You became imitators of us and of the Lord; in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given by the Holy Spirit.

[jllm04]

Hey Cori,
For whatever reason I missed your post earlier. And wow, I truly don't even know what to say.
Thank you for thinking of me, that's so amazing that we've never even met and God used that to bring my name to you. Crazy!
Love the lyrics, I'm gonna have to find those somewhere!

Feel like I need to sit and soak on this one for a while,
but thank you again.

Lana :)

[cori]

Cori, thank you for sharing this it is beautiful! What a blessing! I could really get a visual picture thru the lyrics alone. I love to listen to music and close my eyes and see the picture that the music artist is painting. Music is so inspiring, encouraging, and mysterious to magical. To me music can be an easy escape and you never have to have an excuse to want to escape into a deeper place w/ God. Music to me I guess would be like someone's love for chocolate and to indulge in it they find pleasure(probably not a good habit), but my desire to indulge in music and drown myself in His love would be a great thing. So great there just resting in Him. i love how you said about sitting in His lap, I've experienced those same thoughts. i can feel your pain Cori w/ the rejection, it hurts, but there is ONE that will never forsake you and I believe it is safe for me to say we are here for you too! Stay weak in His strength! ~Leigh

YAY!!!! someone who UNDERSTANDS how i listen to music!!!!! :D that is EXACTLY what i do - my pastor calls it "soaking" (soaking in His presence), and..it's my absolute FAVORITE thing to do. hahaha, and your chocolate vs music idea is PERFECT!!!! music, hands down!

thank you for your encouragement. :)

[cori]

Love the lyrics, I'm gonna have to find those somewhere!

Feel like I need to sit and soak on this one for a while,
but thank you again.

Lana :)

i can get them to you, lana....pm me :)

[Meadow]

It's funny, because a few hours (if that) after I typed that about 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, I went to my other forum and it was like God gave me another confirmation. (Just like God :)) Someone else typed that Exact Scripture... So awesome! I agree as well - it's a Scripture to have at the forefront of our mindset. (as are all, but yeah...)

About the suprehero concept... Jesus is the greatest Superhero who ever lived! (even though that title really isn't enough to describe Him - He's so beyond what words alone can describe.... it's amazing). And as Jesus is the greatest Superhero, we are to live our lives following in His footsteps, letting His phenomenal heroism flow through our lives everyday... inspite of all the challenges we face from that. Everything really comes down to just being a vessel. In the good, in the bad... we're just here for God to use. It's all about Him...flowing through us. Life with Christ, is the ultimate thrill ride.

This is the scripture I get "Stay weak in His strength" from! I guess you already figured that.:D

[Meadow]

Yep, that's one of the hardest things. Once you recognize the lies, traps, and notice your continual reactions and behaviors to things - you have to take those steps (which often times are very hard, painful, and difficult to make at first) to break out of that cycle that's been keeping you bound by the past and hurts, etc.. You know what this reminds me of?!?! It reminds me of one of my absolute favorite songs... Legacy from Kutless. I'm gonna post the lyrics here, because I really think they have a lot to do with breaking free from the past... And God has really used them a LOT in my life.

Oh the memories,
Of all the things that shouldn't be.
They take you away from all you should be
Don't let it go by as if you agree

[CHORUS:]
Nightmares of the past will fade away
The future of your name is what will stay
Never try to blame the past for everything you say
You have the power you need, to change your legacy

Do you really want to be, just like the very ones you blame; who take you away from all you should be
Don't just stand by as if you agree

Think of the future and when you are gone. How will you be remembered then?
For all time you can be the one who changed the name. You changed the name. You changed your name. You changed the name.

You have the power you need, to change your legacy. Change your legacy.

Obviously the only way to change, is through Christ! It's so awesome His power is working in us, and changing us constantly. It's a metamorphis - we're new creations! (2 Corinthians 5:17) The past is gone, the future is ahead, don't miss out on the opportunities of the present! Amen!
That is so true, I can totally relate. I love those lyrics i'm going to have to listen to that song! I can get a mental picture in my mind- did they do a video for this one?

[Meadow]

YAY!!!! someone who UNDERSTANDS how i listen to music!!!!! :D that is EXACTLY what i do - my pastor calls it "soaking" (soaking in His presence), and..it's my absolute FAVORITE thing to do. hahaha, and your chocolate vs music idea is PERFECT!!!! music, hands down!

thank you for your encouragement. :)

"Hey Cori,
For whatever reason I missed your post earlier. And wow, I truly don't even know what to say.
Thank you for thinking of me, that's so amazing that we've never even met and God used that to bring my name to you. Crazy!
Love the lyrics, I'm gonna have to find those somewhere!

Feel like I need to sit and soak on this one for a while,
but thank you again.

Lana"

Let's go soak in His presence!

[Psalms23]

Over the past month I realize that sometimes I complain to much. Sometimes life doesn't seem to be going right and we think we have it real bad! If we would just take a second to look around, someone has it worse then you.

A friend of mine got back from fighting in the war overseas. He was based in Afgan. He told me that at the start of the day when he woke up, he would remind himself that he gets to go home in a matter of time. There are people that actually live there and have to go through this every single day of their lives.

I know two families that held funerals for their daughters a week before Christmas. Both of their lives were taken from cancer. The oldest female was in her late 20s - early 30s. The other female was only 19 years old.


There is one other thing that I want to talk about.

We don't always know what the person beside you is going through. You might see and talk to them everyday but don't have a smallest clue what is going on.


I was out the other night with some guys. One of the guys is a little of the heavy side and the rest of the guys are skin and bones. The skinny guys are alway "jokingly" making fun of his weight. Since they do it so much, the heavier guy jokes along with them. "To Fit In" I made a comment the other day to one of them about it and his responds was.. We are just joking around and he even jokes about it. He doesn't care. I went on the tell him that it actually really does hurt. I have been there. I know what its like. I was made fun of my whole life due to my weight. I did the same thing he did. I started joking about it. Deep down inside I was hurting and becoming depressed. There was times that I would go into another room and start crying. Even though I knew they were joking..it still hurt.

Like I said, Sometimes we don't have any idea what is going on in someones life. A simple smile or and simple hello could go a long way to someone that you always see but don't talk to. There was a story that I read a while back and I would want to share. ( Don't know names of the boys so i just making it up )

There was a boy name Timmy from school. He had no friends and was always laughed at and made fun of. After school I noticed he was carrying all of his school books home with him. I couldn't figure out why he had every book. As I was watching him, there was a group of boys that had ran up and knocked the books out of his hands. The books went everywhere! I went running over there as fast as I could to help him pick them up. I introduced myself to him for the first time. Since he had so many books, I helped him carry them home. A few days went by and there was knock at my door, it was Timmy. He started crying. I asked him what was wrong. He went on to ask me if I remembered the other day when I helped him. He told me that night he was planning on going home and taking his life. The reason why he had all of his books was so his parents didn't have to go to the school and clean out his locker. He thanked me for befriending him and helping him out, it was what changed his mind.

Like I said, I simple hello or a smile could go a long way!


I don't know what you are going through right now but always remember that God loves!


Here is my prayer to you!


Prayer For A Friend - Casting Crowns
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won’t have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

Listen to it on youtube.com at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN3D0Carn3U&feature=related


God Bless,
Aaron

[cori]

that's a great way to keep a healthy perspective on our "selfish tragedies" for SURE!!!! since my own depression has cleared up a little (a LOT, actually!), it is soooo much easier to remember to acknowledge that fact when i start feeling overwhelmed. of course, i don't always remember it until after i've spent a few days sulking in my little pity party, but....i find that i immediately feel better if i turn my struggle into a prayer for someone who is dealing with something difficult.

thank you, aaron! :)

[cori]

umm....yeah....i hate finding out what really lurks beneath when you go looking for it... :S (next post)

[cori]

beautiful hell

sitting in my chair, trying to unwind,
can't gain control of memories in mind.
all are so clear, perfectly concise:
a deceitful collection of fire and ice.
they warm my heart, but freeze my soul;
can't help but wonder - will i ever be whole?
i'm torn by the story of each image i see -
surreal, but completely defining me.
layer upon layer, it seems there's no end
of the torment of soul that the Lord longs to mend.
it seems i'm held captive in a very small cell:
my heart and my memories - my beautiful hell.
reflecting on joy brings comfort to mind;
get lost in the thought? there's power to bind!
it's hopeless - i'm bound - what can i do?
i'm desperately frantic to find the breakthrough!
i'm kicking and screaming, but no one can see
the prisoner i have locked inside of me.
don't know how to break free, i know them too well,
these memories, they make up my beautiful hell.
i know the answer, i can see the key
but the face in the mirror, always taunting me.
constant reminders of yesterday's pain
overshadow the love of the One Who was slain.
i know He's the answer, i know He is there,
but this is the question i constantly bear:
as i hand it all over to the great I AM,
will i lose all that makes ME who I am?
as much as it hurts, those memories, to see
each pieced together has created me.
help me rise up, Lord, i want to be well.
help me escape this beautiful hell.

[Meadow]

beautiful hell

sitting in my chair, trying to unwind,
can't gain control of memories in mind.
all are so clear, perfectly concise:
a deceitful collection of fire and ice.
they warm my heart, but freeze my soul;
can't help but wonder - will i ever be whole?
i'm torn by the story of each image i see -
surreal, but completely defining me.layer upon layer, it seems there's no end
of the torment of soul that the Lord longs to mend.
it seems i'm held captive in a very small cell:
my heart and my memories - my beautiful hell.
reflecting on joy brings comfort to mind;
get lost in the thought? there's power to bind!
it's hopeless - i'm bound - what can i do?
i'm desperately frantic to find the breakthrough!
i'm kicking and screaming, but no one can see
the prisoner i have locked inside of me.
don't know how to break free, i know them too well,
these memories, they make up my beautiful hell.
i know the answer, i can see the key
but the face in the mirror, always taunting me.
constant reminders of yesterday's pain
overshadow the love of the One Who was slain.
i know He's the answer, i know He is there,
but this is the question i constantly bear:
as i hand it all over to the great I AM,
will i lose all that makes ME who I am?
as much as it hurts, those memories, to see
each pieced together has created me.
help me rise up, Lord, i want to be well.
help me escape this beautiful hell.

this is going to be brief cause I'm at work..
I love this!
"i'm torn by the story of each image i see -
surreal, but completely defining me." -this sounds so familiar to me!

"Beautiful Hell"- I love the irony of losing your self to find yourself. We have to be broken down before Christ, "I Am," can really fully embody us and walk fully w/ the Lord. The suffering and pain in our lives will never out weigh the gift He gave us. I'll write more on this later... :)
Merry Christmas to all!!!:)

[Psalms23]

that's a great way to keep a healthy perspective on our "selfish tragedies" for SURE!!!! since my own depression has cleared up a little (a LOT, actually!), it is soooo much easier to remember to acknowledge that fact when i start feeling overwhelmed. of course, i don't always remember it until after i've spent a few days sulking in my little pity party, but....i find that i immediately feel better if i turn my struggle into a prayer for someone who is dealing with something difficult.

thank you, aaron! :)

Your Welcome!

[Meadow]

Over the past month I realize that sometimes I complain to much. Sometimes life doesn't seem to be going right and we think we have it real bad! If we would just take a second to look around, someone has it worse then you.

A friend of mine got back from fighting in the war overseas. He was based in Afgan. He told me that at the start of the day when he woke up, he would remind himself that he gets to go home in a matter of time. There are people that actually live there and have to go through this every single day of their lives.

I know two families that held funerals for their daughters a week before Christmas. Both of their lives were taken from cancer. The oldest female was in her late 20s - early 30s. The other female was only 19 years old.


There is one other thing that I want to talk about.

We don't always know what the person beside you is going through. You might see and talk to them everyday but don't have a smallest clue what is going on.


I was out the other night with some guys. One of the guys is a little of the heavy side and the rest of the guys are skin and bones. The skinny guys are alway "jokingly" making fun of his weight. Since they do it so much, the heavier guy jokes along with them. "To Fit In" I made a comment the other day to one of them about it and his responds was.. We are just joking around and he even jokes about it. He doesn't care. I went on the tell him that it actually really does hurt. I have been there. I know what its like. I was made fun of my whole life due to my weight. I did the same thing he did. I started joking about it. Deep down inside I was hurting and becoming depressed. There was times that I would go into another room and start crying. Even though I knew they were joking..it still hurt.

Like I said, Sometimes we don't have any idea what is going on in someones life. A simple smile or and simple hello could go a long way to someone that you always see but don't talk to. There was a story that I read a while back and I would want to share. ( Don't know names of the boys so i just making it up )

There was a boy name Timmy from school. He had no friends and was always laughed at and made fun of. After school I noticed he was carrying all of his school books home with him. I couldn't figure out why he had every book. As I was watching him, there was a group of boys that had ran up and knocked the books out of his hands. The books went everywhere! I went running over there as fast as I could to help him pick them up. I introduced myself to him for the first time. Since he had so many books, I helped him carry them home. A few days went by and there was knock at my door, it was Timmy. He started crying. I asked him what was wrong. He went on to ask me if I remembered the other day when I helped him. He told me that night he was planning on going home and taking his life. The reason why he had all of his books was so his parents didn't have to go to the school and clean out his locker. He thanked me for befriending him and helping him out, it was what changed his mind.

Like I said, I simple hello or a smile could go a long way!


I don't know what you are going through right now but always remember that God loves!


Here is my prayer to you!


Prayer For A Friend - Casting Crowns
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won’t have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

Listen to it on youtube.com at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN3D0Carn3U&feature=related


God Bless,
Aaron

Aaron,
Thank you for sharing all of this! I have read that story before too- I love it! It really makes you think if i just do this or if I do that I just could make a difference in someone's life and the little blessing you give someone else will then reflect upon someone else thru them because you have opened up the gift of joy in their heart for whatever little something you did it shines thru. We have the power to open the gift in someone's heart and allow someone's light to shine even brighter which reminds me of several scriptures -
Luke 8:15-17
15But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
16"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. 17For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

Luke 11:33-36
33"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. 34Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. 35See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. 36Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you."

Philippians 2:12-18
12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

John 12:35-36
35Then Jesus told them, "You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. 36Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light." When he had finished speaking, Jesus left and hid himself from them.

Isaiah 42:16
16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

2 Corinthians 4:6
6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Love the lyrics to the Casting Crowns' song! Especially: "He's becoming a puppet of the world. Too blind to see the strings." I love how the lyrics were creative to put things into perspective there.
There is so much going on in the world today it really makes you take a second glance at your own life and be gratefully thankful. I know your struggles of the hurt and jokes. It leaves scars that can't be erased. I'm sorry you had to face that, but it really is a comfort to know there are others here that have experienced the same or similiar things and can understand and work thru them together. Bless you Aaron! praying for you. :)
Got to call it a night.

[cori]

merry Christmas, everyone!!!!

while we were celebrating with family at my oldest son's house, he got a text message from a friend of his that read: "merry santa vs Jesus day"

everyone laughed. so i said, "call him back & tell him Jesus won!"

:D

[Kelly]

Hehehe that's hilarious!

[cori]

unfortunately the majority of the group didn't think so, but...since i make a point of not cramming my beliefs down their throat (they all know what i believe & where i stand), no one got offended when i said it. (needless to say, he did not call his friend to pass on my message either, but....at least THEY heard it! haha)

[LauraA]

beautiful hell

sitting in my chair, trying to unwind,
can't gain control of memories in mind.
all are so clear, perfectly concise:
a deceitful collection of fire and ice.
they warm my heart, but freeze my soul;
can't help but wonder - will i ever be whole?
i'm torn by the story of each image i see -
surreal, but completely defining me.
layer upon layer, it seems there's no end
of the torment of soul that the Lord longs to mend.
it seems i'm held captive in a very small cell:
my heart and my memories - my beautiful hell.
reflecting on joy brings comfort to mind;
get lost in the thought? there's power to bind!
it's hopeless - i'm bound - what can i do?
i'm desperately frantic to find the breakthrough!
i'm kicking and screaming, but no one can see
the prisoner i have locked inside of me.
don't know how to break free, i know them too well,
these memories, they make up my beautiful hell.
i know the answer, i can see the key
but the face in the mirror, always taunting me.
constant reminders of yesterday's pain
overshadow the love of the One Who was slain.
i know He's the answer, i know He is there,
but this is the question i constantly bear:
as i hand it all over to the great I AM,
will i lose all that makes ME who I am?
as much as it hurts, those memories, to see
each pieced together has created me.
help me rise up, Lord, i want to be well.
help me escape this beautiful hell.

Wow. That says it all...very powerful! Thank you for sharing that with us.

[LauraA]

Over the past month I realize that sometimes I complain to much. Sometimes life doesn't seem to be going right and we think we have it real bad! If we would just take a second to look around, someone has it worse then you.

A friend of mine got back from fighting in the war overseas. He was based in Afgan. He told me that at the start of the day when he woke up, he would remind himself that he gets to go home in a matter of time. There are people that actually live there and have to go through this every single day of their lives.

I know two families that held funerals for their daughters a week before Christmas. Both of their lives were taken from cancer. The oldest female was in her late 20s - early 30s. The other female was only 19 years old.


There is one other thing that I want to talk about.

We don't always know what the person beside you is going through. You might see and talk to them everyday but don't have a smallest clue what is going on.


I was out the other night with some guys. One of the guys is a little of the heavy side and the rest of the guys are skin and bones. The skinny guys are alway "jokingly" making fun of his weight. Since they do it so much, the heavier guy jokes along with them. "To Fit In" I made a comment the other day to one of them about it and his responds was.. We are just joking around and he even jokes about it. He doesn't care. I went on the tell him that it actually really does hurt. I have been there. I know what its like. I was made fun of my whole life due to my weight. I did the same thing he did. I started joking about it. Deep down inside I was hurting and becoming depressed. There was times that I would go into another room and start crying. Even though I knew they were joking..it still hurt.

Like I said, Sometimes we don't have any idea what is going on in someones life. A simple smile or and simple hello could go a long way to someone that you always see but don't talk to. There was a story that I read a while back and I would want to share. ( Don't know names of the boys so i just making it up )

There was a boy name Timmy from school. He had no friends and was always laughed at and made fun of. After school I noticed he was carrying all of his school books home with him. I couldn't figure out why he had every book. As I was watching him, there was a group of boys that had ran up and knocked the books out of his hands. The books went everywhere! I went running over there as fast as I could to help him pick them up. I introduced myself to him for the first time. Since he had so many books, I helped him carry them home. A few days went by and there was knock at my door, it was Timmy. He started crying. I asked him what was wrong. He went on to ask me if I remembered the other day when I helped him. He told me that night he was planning on going home and taking his life. The reason why he had all of his books was so his parents didn't have to go to the school and clean out his locker. He thanked me for befriending him and helping him out, it was what changed his mind.

Like I said, I simple hello or a smile could go a long way!


I don't know what you are going through right now but always remember that God loves!


Here is my prayer to you!


Prayer For A Friend - Casting Crowns
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won’t have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

Listen to it on youtube.com at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN3D0Carn3U&feature=related


God Bless,
Aaron


Aaron, this is a very sweet post. I appreciate your openess and honesty so much. You never cease to amaze me. God bless you over and over again!

Awesome song by CC!

I've been overweight and I know the hurt and humiliation it brings. Before I lost the weight, I lived with constant self condemnation. Constant. Yet I would smile and act like it didn't hurt. And then I'd cry when I was alone. I'd look in the mirror and say, "I hate you, you fat ugly thing!!!" In fact, it just hit me this very moment the anger I felt because of it. Wow.

Your post brought Brandon Heath's song, "Give Me Your Eyes" to mind. You can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OihvG607W-c

[cori]

Wow. That says it all...very powerful! Thank you for sharing that with us.

i wasn't going to share it, laura, but....remembered that convicted asked me to share what else the Lord said about that phrase, so.....i posted it.

i had hubby read it & he kept telling me how great i did, and i was just like, "that was NOT me! i've NEVER written a poem (is that what it is?? that's what it looks like to me!), and THAT came out in 15 minutes." FIFTEEN minutes! and, there's only one line that was marked out & rephrased, so....i guarantee you that i did NOT do that! (i would have re-written about 90% of what's in there & still been unhappy with it and scrapped it! and...as a "hehe" side note, convicted - wanna guess what the Lord told me to do with it?!?! hahahaha)

it's crazy, too, because, this time, i was AWARE of what i was writing AS i was writing it....i kept wanting to be finished, because...yeah, not really fun stuff there, but....God kept pressing me. then my BRAIN would step in & want to make its contributions, and i just kept pressing in, saying, "no....i want to get to the heart of the issue, the heart of what's holding me back." everytime i would try to pinpoint that (prior to this..mostly during the weight of the depression), i could only come up with a small tornado of things involved in holding me back. after i finished and re-read it, i thought, you know...that really is THE issue here! i know that God works all things, He uses my past to mold my future (and ministry opps)...i guess i felt that i would be taking away things that God could work with if i would TRULY lay them down. (ok, seeing that in writing, i KNOW how absurd it sounds.....i know some of you know exactly what i'm talking about, though)

leigh, what you said is EXACTLY right - i need to lose my SELF, so that i can find MYSELF. just because i let go of those things that make me who i am, that does NOT mean that HE lets go of those things that make me who i am! it only means that i have given Him room to come in and restore those things, so i'm not a complete mess when it IS time to pull from those resources in a ministry opportunity.

so, take my LIFE...take my MIND....take my soul...take my will, I AM YOURS! and i give it ALL to You! :)

*stands back & waits for further instruction & healing to commence* :)

[Psalms23]

Your Welcome! That story can open up a lot of eyes! When I was working with a school group at the YMCA camp we were talking about how the simple hello could make a difference and after we got done, i went ahead and shared that story with them. I am glad I did! Thanks for the verses and Prayers
God Bless You!
Aaron


Aaron,
Thank you for sharing all of this! I have read that story before too- I love it! It really makes you think if i just do this or if I do that I just could make a difference in someone's life and the little blessing you give someone else will then reflect upon someone else thru them because you have opened up the gift of joy in their heart for whatever little something you did it shines thru. We have the power to open the gift in someone's heart and allow someone's light to shine even brighter which reminds me of several scriptures -
Luke 8:15-17
15But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.
16"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. 17For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.

Luke 11:33-36
33"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. 34Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. 35See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. 36Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you."

Philippians 2:12-18
12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

John 12:35-36
35Then Jesus told them, "You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. 36Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light." When he had finished speaking, Jesus left and hid himself from them.

Isaiah 42:16
16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

2 Corinthians 4:6
6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Love the lyrics to the Casting Crowns' song! Especially: "He's becoming a puppet of the world. Too blind to see the strings." I love how the lyrics were creative to put things into perspective there.
There is so much going on in the world today it really makes you take a second glance at your own life and be gratefully thankful. I know your struggles of the hurt and jokes. It leaves scars that can't be erased. I'm sorry you had to face that, but it really is a comfort to know there are others here that have experienced the same or similiar things and can understand and work thru them together. Bless you Aaron! praying for you. :)
Got to call it a night.

[Psalms23]

Aaron, this is a very sweet post. I appreciate your openess and honesty so much. You never cease to amaze me. God bless you over and over again!

Your Welcome. Everything in life happens for a reason. We can grow from it and share with others so they can grow from it also. Sometimes there is something small in life that is nothing big but if it is shared with the right person..i could change their life forever!

[Psalms23]

I've been overweight and I know the hurt and humiliation it brings. Before I lost the weight, I lived with constant self condemnation. Constant. Yet I would smile and act like it didn't hurt. And then I'd cry when I was alone. I'd look in the mirror and say, "I hate you, you fat ugly thing!!!" In fact, it just hit me this very moment the anger I felt because of it. Wow.

Your post brought Brandon Heath's song, "Give Me Your Eyes" to mind. You can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OihvG607W-c


You never would have thought that weight could control your life as much as it can. It very mind blowing to me, but i know it can. I have experienced it.


One other thing in life that has been a struggle for me...is being single. I have pretty much been single my whole life. Most of the time i blamed it on my weight. I always thought to myself.....If I am not pleased with myself...God's Not...and I am sure none of the females a some fat guy. Every time I would think that i might have found the "one"...something ends up happening.

I read a book " When God Writes Your Love Story" earlier this year..If you are single..then READ THE BOOK! God has taught me that the singleness is just preparations for marriage and it has opened up eyes to single life in a whole another way that I never thought about.


I love that song!! I was just listening to it. I bought the cd last weekend on sale for $9.99. I know most of you have listen to the song and know the lyrics word for word...but have you ever read them and listen to them real close? I am going to go ahead and post them. Even if you have I am going to go ahead and have you re-read them and actually let them soak in. Some amazing lyrics!

Give Me Your Eyes
Brandon Heath

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
all those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus (x2)

[Meadow]

You never would have thought that weight could control your life as much as it can. It very mind blowing to me, but i know it can. I have experienced it.


One other thing in life that has been a struggle for me...is being single. I have pretty much been single my whole life. Most of the time i blamed it on my weight. I always thought to myself.....If I am not pleased with myself...God's Not...and I am sure none of the females a some fat guy. Every time I would think that i might have found the "one"...something ends up happening.

I read a book " When God Writes Your Love Story" earlier this year..If you are single..then READ THE BOOK! God has taught me that the singleness is just preparations for marriage and it has opened up eyes to single life in a whole another way that I never thought about.


I love that song!! I was just listening to it. I bought the cd last weekend on sale for $9.99. I know most of you have listen to the song and know the lyrics word for word...but have you ever read them and listen to them real close? I am going to go ahead and post them. Even if you have I am going to go ahead and have you re-read them and actually let them soak in. Some amazing lyrics!

Give Me Your Eyes
Brandon Heath

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
all those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus (x2)


I can sympathize w/ you both because I was there in my life too.
In middle school I was overweight and it really left a scar there. This is an area of my life I don't even like to admit was a part of me and it still haunts me. As much as i don't want to write this I know I need to. I got to the point I was so ashamed of myself I had this phobia of eating out because of the endless stares that needed no words to express what they were thinking. I refused to go out to eat and I wouldn't eat lunch at school. I played w/ my life constantly because of eating disorders I think I had some they probably haven't even found a name for yet. I hid it well, but there were times that weren't over looked and my mother forced me to eat by manipulating me which I rather not express. I don't blame her she was acting out of desperation as a mother.
I never sought medical treatment- i put it in God's hands once I was ready. It took a long time for me to go out to eat in public and sometimes to this day find it ackward...too embarrassed to order dessert especially if I'm with a smaller girlfriend than me or in my eyes they seem smaller. I always seem to find myself stronger and more confident if the friend is bigger than me. It is very hurtful to me to see myself in a photo and I look larger than the other person in the photo. I feel defeated because of all the hurtful words from people that was who i was in their eyes and so that made it even worse for me through my self-judging eyes. I've always been second best or chosen last. It doesn't matter how many times here in this lifetime I've been second best or chosen last or will be because all that matters is that there is ONE that does love me and cherish me no matter what I look like or how well I do something. That has to put a smile in your heart! :)

Now when I pray and fast as strangely it may sound I may gain a pound or two because God wants me to stay focused on Him and not make this out of a diet marathon. He wants to remind me "if you have any other intentions than it being for Me I will set your mind straight."
Aaron- don't fall for all satan's ploys because he is sure going to try and get us at our weakest points. Any time you start to feel down come on here(people are here to encourage and help battle those demons) and get God's word out it is full of promises.
Don't allow anyone to tear down what God has built in you. Great is the power that dwells in you! Sometimes the journey of tears is long and is hard to hear God's call on our life when we are at that place of hurt, but just surrender it to God. Give these burdens to Him and allow Him to embrace them. Give Him your eyes and allow His beauty to be seen by yourself. i love that song- "Give me your eyes!" Thank you for allowing me to release these holdings on my heart. Jesus bless you! ~leigh

[Kelly]

Leigh,

I know it takes a lot to share something like that and I totally admire you for that. I also have to tell you that you are not alone. I, too, suffered from an eating disorder when I was younger. I had those same exact fears as you. I hated eating out with friends, and I NEVER ate lunch at school. I went through a lot of rough times in high school, a lot of depression, & it all just caught up with me. Suddenly I found myself sick at the thought of putting a single thing in my mouth. I skipped breakfast simply because I never had time, I didn't eat lunch at school, then at dinner, I asked my mother to serve me less, and I would eat as little of that as possible....sometimes I'd be able to get away eating nothing at all. After a while I started to feel weaker, but at the same time, I could see myself getting skinnier and was getting more and more compliments, so I looked past the weakness. In fact, I looked at the weakness as a sign that I needed to exercise more to get stronger, so I became exercise crazy! I would literally do a thousand situps a day and several hundred pushups. I had measured my waist to keep up since I couldn't weigh myself, & I literally lost almost 4 inches in a couple days. Something snapped in me at that point and I realized that I was in trouble. I spent the entire night curled up in bed just bawling. The next morning mom came in to wake me up for school & asked me what was wrong. I told her I hadn't eaten in two months. She quickly ran to the kitchen & made me something to eat. I sat there and gagged at the idea of putting it in my mouth, but I knew I had to (plus mom was sitting there forcing me to :p). I hated it, I hated her for making me do it, I hated myself for being at that point. But it was that point that I started to turn it around. For MONTHS after that, mom would make me eat after school, even if I ate lunch at school that day, then she would watch me like a hawk at dinner and make sure I ate every bite. I was MISERABLE. If I even stopped for a second, she'd be on me. But looking back, I have to thank her for every bit of it! And the really sad part is that, at that time I would look at pictures of myself and just saw this HUGE person. Now when I look back on those photos, I'm not big at all! It's scary how your mind can play with you like that!

As a result of this all, my stomach literally shrunk. I am currently about 40lbs overweight, but my actual stomach is smaller than normal, so I'll be out with friends and be like "Man I'm STARVING" then I'll eat till I'm full but it doesn't take much at all & my friends will be like "Seriously? You hardly ate anything. I thought you were starving!"

I've been overweight for a while now, and it does get to me every now and then, but I'll NEVER again use such drastic measures to get to where I was! From January to June of this year, I lost 14lbs! I'm getting weighed again in a couple weeks & I'm actually excited because for the first time in a long time, I feel good about myself even though I'm overweight, because I know that I'm taking care of it the right way! :)

[Convicted]

all of that to say that, as the skinny kid in school, i can COMPLETELY empathize with what you all have shared, even though i have not walked the SAME road. i admire you all for walking through what you have, and for THEN having the boldness to share. :) i love you guys!! no matter HOW "big" or "small" you are! :)

I completely agree, with every word. And I admire the boldness everyone has had on this board to share their journey's and struggles with us. I think we can all relate to everything that's been said in some way.

I never had a weight issue eitherI can imagine what kind of impact it can have on someone's thought process, but , since I've felt similar but through different ways. The only time I really came near a food issue thing was way back in kindergarten. I was eating something while watching this kid play on the school computer; apparently they could hear me munching and they said something.. (not even being mean really). So I didn't really eat lunch much at school for a while then. But that didn't last long. The hardest part, was when my parents told my teacher about it, when I quit not eating at school and did again. It was over with. When the teacher took me to a back room and gave me a huge lecture about it until I cried. And then asked me why I was crying... I hate it when teachers do things like that. I've had similar things like that happen with teachers too many times (other people have had it a lot worse than me though).

With me, I can go a long time without eating anything and not really care about it at all. My mom will say to me, (even when I do eat a lot that day) "Eat something. Do you want to be skinny?" If I don't want to eat all the time, I don't have to; it's not like I'm anorexic. If I want to eat though, I could eat more than a lot of people. Non-stop eating all day! I think exercising is fun, but there's lots of periods of time when I don't exercise at all. Other times it's like my body wants to move constantly, (does that make sense?) so I'll do a lot of athletic types of things all day long. It takes a lot to wear me out=] Even if I do get tired though, I probably wouldn't admit it. (Pride :confused: Maybe.. I don't know) I would admit it sometimes, but the endurance thing intrigues me 'cause it reminds me of the spiritual side of things. Just saying your exhausted kind of feels like giving up to me though; but it isn't (necessarily). Perhaps I got that concept from all of the times people associate being tired with giving up - or they suggest it.

[Convicted]

I feel defeated because of all the hurtful words from people that was who i was in their eyes and so that made it even worse for me through my self-judging eyes.

That's the trick the devil plays. He'll get someone to say just one thing that's hurtful to you (or what someone says may not actually be that hurtful but then he'll play your mind and exaggerate that meaning so that you dwell on it non-stop) and then once that thought is placed in your head, especially repeatedly, then he'll continually toy with our thoughts and put pressure on us. Once again returning us to that point where we question our true identity again... (Man, it'll like all of the things the devil does is linked to that) And if we buy into those lies and feed on them for awhile, maybe not even taking them to our heart at first, soon we start judging and criticizing ourselves - to the point where our self-judging is more critical, harsh, and personal than anyone else's. It gets to the point where even if someone is complimenting you on something that even if you know they sincerly mean what they say, you just can't accept it or take it to heart. You take their sincerity, as the opposite. And begin to think that they are messing with your mind again, alluding the exact opposite. And so you begin to question if there's something worse wrong with you.. You start condemning yourself even more than before. And all of this leads back to that vicious cycle again. Just like Cori stated, a "Beautiful Hell." Now, instead of someone else torturing you... You are the one torturing yourself; and you can't escape from it, because it's a prison within you. It's kind of like... someone beating on someone else. The person is getting beat up long and hard enough, that they just want all of the pain to stop. So they start inflicting the pain on themselves, making it much worse. Ah, the beauty of the liberation in Christ.. Freedom, my words alone, will never be able to fully describe.


I've always been second best or chosen last. It doesn't matter how many times here in this lifetime I've been second best or chosen last or will be because all that matters is that there is ONE that does love me and cherish me no matter what I look like or how well I do something. That has to put a smile in your heart! :)

With me, I'm usually not second best or even last.. I'm usually not even in the picture at all. But when I am in the picture it's usually one of the two you listed. It's a terrible feeling, but none of that really matters.. There is Someone who always accepts me for who I am - no matter what condition I'm in, no matter what I've done, no matter how broken I am.. I may not be accepted by a lot of people, but then again I don't need to be. You don't need everyone liking you... all you need is One person favoring you. Fortunetely, we happen to have some friends in High places... The King, the Creator, is my Best Friend, Savior, and Father... Now that, is awesome! :) Too bad, we don't always see the depth and beauty of that. Too bad, we don't always take it to heart even though we consciously know that it's true. We need to let it sink within our hearts... DEEP within our hearts. And to do that we need to Saturate our minds with that truth constantly. We need to reverse these cycles of all of the conditioning we've received from others that's brainwashed us... and we need to let the Word of God literally wash our brains.


Aaron- don't fall for all satan's ploys because he is sure going to try and get us at our weakest points.

Yep, he sure is.. It's like a boxing match. You aim to punch your opponent in their weakest area in order to completely cripple them (at least in the ring) so you knock them down -- and they don't get up. So you win. That's just what the devil does. This is why if we only focus on our strengths we are missing the big picture. We need our weakest parts strengthened, so we don't faint in the day of battle. Often times I've noticed the devil will try continually attack your weakest parts non-stop, hoping to just paralyze you as fast as possible so you cease being somone who possess the potential of being a major threat to him. May God strength our weak areas, and every other part of our life - so we can endure the attacks thrown at us; engaging them from an offensive position, not just from a defensive position -- barely getting by. But we are to advance. Our purpose is to advance, and if we're caught up struggling with being able to be defensive, we're not advancing to the position we should be in. And that's the aim of our mission. May God gives that surge of passion, drive, endurance, and indeed violent forcefulness. You may ask, why violent forcefulness? Simple... Jesus stated we would be. In this sense: "And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force." Matthew 11:12 We need to become violent for the cause fo the kingdom. Have that forceful will to possess the kingdom at all costs. I'm glad my father briefly reminded me of this verse earlier. I needed to remember it. By the way devil... You are the weakest link.. GOODBYE!


Any time you start to feel down come on here(people are here to encourage and help battle those demons) and get God's word out it is full of promises.
Don't allow anyone to tear down what God has built in you. Great is the power that dwells in you! Sometimes the journey of tears is long and is hard to hear God's call on our life when we are at that place of hurt, but just surrender it to God. Give these burdens to Him and allow Him to embrace them. Give Him your eyes and allow His beauty to be seen by yourself. i love that song- "Give me your eyes!" Thank you for allowing me to release these holdings on my heart. Jesus bless you! ~leigh

I must say, when I first was reading this post it really encouraged me, so I will thank you for posting this. I was feeling defeated; like a failure, etc.. The devil was teatering with my conscious, and I knew it. But you know when you get attacked by him, it doesn't matter how aware you are of the attack, that its from him, and not to give in to it, how he puts this cloud of bondage overshadows you with oppression, even if the attacks don't necessarily get to your heart. Yep, it really is a fight. No one can tell me, that once you know Christ life is nothing but happiness. It's not always a tip toe walk through the smells of a botanical garden of spectacular sights and sounds. Sometimes... It's a bloody and fierce conflict, in a dark dungeon where you're surrounded by predators who seek your demise. But thanks be to God for His awesomeness. He has overcome everything - our victory is already won. All we have to do is grab hold of it. Take it by force!

[Convicted]

God was showing me a lot about freedom a few years ago (in the midst of another "crisis"), and used one of heather clark's songs (surprise) to really drive the point home. i won't post the lyrics, unless you're interested in them, but...throughout the song, she makes reference to different seasons & scenarios of life. after 2 or 3, she says "and i have learned to be free" - ALL through the song. immediately i thought of one of my pastor's illustrations -> someone had once asked a circus worker (who worked with elephants) how such a small stake can hold the massive elephant captive, when it's clearly evident that the elephant could simply walk away. the circus worker explained that, as babies, the elephants are tied to a stake - but since they are so young, they aren't strong enough to break free. they struggle & struggle to break free, but eventually they learn that they are held captive by the small stake and stop fighting it. by the time they are grown elephants, they are held captive - not so much by the stake, but by their MIND - they KNOW that they can't break free from the stake, so they don't even bother trying! and it's true with us - we become bound by our learned behaviors....we ARE free, we become free the second we accept salvation as He promised it. but we don't LIVE in freedom, because we have our entire lives shaping our mindset. we have to LEARN how to walk in freedom.....and, until we LEARN to do it, we are going to keep slipping back into the familiar bondages we have grown up in.

I've heard that analogy before also. It's very powerful. We become held by something we now have power to walk away from. (in some way anyhow).
First we learn all of these restrictions of bondage others place on us, and then we have to re-learn how to walk in freedom again. And from those experiences, we can help others in their pursuit of gaining true freedom. Problem is, sometimes they no longer even know that they're bound. They've come to make that place their home, and have to learn it's not the place they belong. Until they realize that, they will actually be content (to an extent) living in that bondage that keeps that captive. Also... sometimes I think we ourselves experience certain things that keep us bound, not just so we learn something personally (though of course we do) but that we also can help liberate someone else from that state of bondage their in, which is similar (in ways anyhow) to the same bondage we were held in.

This is reminding me of Breaking Away from Seventh Day Slumber. One of my absolute favorite songs, I always have to repeat it when I listen to it.

I’ve finally realized that all my dreams lost
Were lost because of me
But tonight, I am changing the way things used to be
And all these memories will be erased

Breaking away
From everything that’s hopeless
The road ahead looks wonderful
Breaking away
From everything that’s hopeless
The road ahead looks wonderful today

Another day of life
One more chance to live for more than me
I’m reaching out to take the hand of Someone I can’t see
And all these memories will be erased

Tonight will be the night
No more waiting, I’ve spent life waiting
Take this heart of mine
No more waiting, I give myself to You

Everytime I listen to that song, I just feel so much freedom.

[Convicted]

i think you've hit the nail on the head with this one - there really is no paradox. it's the difference between living in the spirit and living in the flesh. the more we walk in the spirit, the more we understand about His ways (he who has eyes to see, let him see....of course, i don't know the reference :S ). the more we walk in the flesh, the more the ways of the Lord confound us. i also think it's a way for Him to bring us into the deeper understanding of His ways - to reach out to us in our world, giving us revelation into His world as He pulls us out of ours.

Yep, I really think the offset of paradoxical things arouse when sin entered the earth. It's really our choice between God or ourselves. We have to make that choice. Who will we serve? Will we be on the side of light or darkness?


yep, it's a literal tug-of-war in the spiritual realm. and we have to choose which side we're going to help pull our hearts!

It's actually amazing that we have a choice. Just shows the real love and compassion God has for us, even if we decide to do something against Him. He won't inflict upon our will at that time, since it's our choice.


that's been my experience, too. :) i've also learned that a deeper understanding does NOT come without the obedience to the WRITING part of it, too! (and, for me, it has to be hand-written! i always prefer typing, because i can type like a madman - my fingers can actually keep up with my brain, so it' easy to not lose track of where i was going with a thought...but....then it's easy for my brain to take over again & i lose a lot of insight that way)

Heh, yeah I always write by hand also (unless none of these cheap pens don't work. Since I use 'em all the time). I think I typed out one thing one time on the computer that God injected into my head at the time, (when I wasn't expecting it -- happened to be a rap; back in the day when I wrote more stuff) so I used the computer.


oh man, for SURE!!!!! i've had times that i'm reading through something after having spent some time writing & i'm like, "huh, look at THAT!" lol i love it when i read something like that - something that i KNOW did NOT come from me, because i KNOW that it came from the Lord!

Those are the best! In fact... I really don't want to write anything at all unless He fills me with something to say. It's pretty futile on my part attempting something like that without Him. Then again, everything without Him is futile.
Life is futile without Him.


a few years ago, the Lord had been really pressing me to get back to writing. (i always wrote as a kid, but ran into writer's block very young.....when i was dealing with the "crisis" of noah's diagnosis, He was pressing me to write about it....even to the extent of using other people to press me to write about it) the depression really put up a roadblock (i allowed the depression to BE a roadblock, rather) to that, but....i think God is calling me to go back there again.


Yeah, I haven't been as fluid in writing as I used to be. Haven't written much this whole year actually, except for a few things here and there. But I really think God's been preparing me more for writing. Teaching me more things, and opening my eyes to see things from different angles, and the importance of how we portray things to others; and He's been instilling more creativity in me.
Sometimes I wonder, if I ever should write again. But then I'm reminded that I didn't have the desire to write in the first place. God releases the writing He wants it to. I'd rather have Him download His thoughts into when He wants than, trying to force something that's of my own thoughts-- because that leads to an epic fail. Something I've noticed, is usually when we're in the darkest of times that's actually the place where we can find more to write. I think because it's a place where our hearts are torn open... all we can do is bleed. But that's the exact place where God comes and takes us from our broken condition - from being nothing, and takes us to the place where we're just overwhelmed by Him, while He restores us.


how great is it that instead of beating us for our disobedience, He simply takes us back to the place of disobedience & gives the instruction again!

That is great!

[Convicted]

usually, after a huge flurry of posts (like right now, while i'm playing "mustard" hehe), i'll be sitting here going, "ok, these people are going to get soooooooo sick of me!!! i better back off a little bit!" !

Nah, we don't get sick of you! :) We love hearing what you say. However I do know what it's like to think that. Usually the thoughts that toy with me go something like this: "Everything you say will mean nothing; nobody cares either way. They already know everything you're gonna say anyhow, stop bothering them with this. Everyone else says everything better than you anyhow." Or it will go something like this: "Look at your life, how messed up you are.. Why are you even trying to help someone else? What if you're wrong about something you say? You'll just lie to everyone, only to come and face the miserable reality that everything you've said and believed is false." Etc...
Which is part of the reason I haven't posted in this thread for several days. But as we all know those are lies of the devil. Which is why we need to carefully guard our mind, to be sure that we don't fall for those lies that leave us paralyzed. Cori, and Everyone else, you are an encouragment to everyone here. And what you All say means something extremely significant. Don't buy into the lies (not even for one more second!) that indicate things that prevent you from stepping up and doing what God wants you to do. (in any facet of life; and posting on the board; etc..)


you know, we can ALL say the same thing! a little bit of encouragement goes a LOOOOOOONG way, for sure! (my feeble attempts at running track in high school gave me some pretty good lessons on that one!) it makes me think of the blind death crawl scene in facing the giants - such a powerful example of how we boost each other's ability to endure just by being an encouragement to each other! i'm blessed to be able to be a part of such a wonderful backbone!

I love that scene in that movie. :) It was one of my favorite parts, if not my favorite part altogether. When we encourage each other, it helps us overcome things we thought we'd never overcome, and it actually helps each of us fulfill our destinys together. And that, is an awesome thing. God knows what He says, when He says: "Two are better than one, because they a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his compnion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up." Ecclesiates 4:9-10


exactly!!! EVERYTHING that has been said over the last few days all comes down to this. His strength is made perfect in our weakness....but only if we walk it out. if we sit at home, curled up & crying, we're just isolating ourselves from the rest of the Vine - cutting off all ties to life support. (and, as laura said, that only produces hopelessness!!!!!) we "can't live this way too long...there's more than [this]" but when we go out & face the world in spite of what's going on inside, He gives us the strength to endure, and...through that strength, we are eventually able to reach out - usually FOR help, and we end up OFFERING help at the same time.

Exactly. When we, in the most horrendous places of our life, decide to reach out to others and help them - that is truly when we receive the help we need. Healing then becomes unleashed within our hearts to a fuller extent.


one thing seemed to KEEP coming up in almost EVERYTHING my pastor said. "it's not about FEELINGS, it's about FAITH!"

Imagine what our lives would be like, and what the entire world would be like if we only lived by how we felt... It'd be tragic.

[Convicted]

I could really get a visual picture thru the lyrics alone. I love to listen to music and close my eyes and see the picture that the music artist is painting. Music is so inspiring, encouraging, and mysterious to magical. To me music can be an easy escape and you never have to have an excuse to want to escape into a deeper place w/ God. Music to me I guess would be like someone's love for chocolate and to indulge in it they find pleasure(probably not a good habit), but my desire to indulge in music and drown myself in His love would be a great thing. So great there just resting in Him.

Totally! I love music... can't really say how much I love it. And indeed it is like an escape, especially when we escape to that secret place (or as I refer to it, lolz The S.P.O.T - Secret Place Of Thunder (Psalm 85:7) I wrote a song called that one day for everyone who doesn't know) with Him.. and just bask in His presence. Rest in the fact, that truly knowing Him is the greatest treasure we could ever have... It really is. I also agree, music is an escape at times. It's so cathartic especially when the power of the Holy Spirit is working in your life and ministering to you, and giving you further revelations at those times. It's a place where you can express thoughts, you wouldn't express any other place. - in unique ways. I usually like listening to music (preferably, to soak in the whole picture of the song) when it's quiet and I can concentrate fully on the lyrics. I find that especially during late night/early morning that is a really great time for me to listen to it. I like to just listen to the CD's before I go to bed.. I can't really describe how awesome it is.. but I do know why it's awesome. It's lifting our spirits to another realm - above this fallen world. When we fall... all we can do is look up. Falling Up! LoL. :D "Falling up to His grace." Jackson 5 from Falling Up. I love that song!!

[Convicted]

That is so true, I can totally relate. I love those lyrics i'm going to have to listen to that song! I can get a mental picture in my mind- did they do a video for this one?

No they didn't do a music video for the song. But, many other people pieced videos together for it on Youtube. I personally think that would have been an awesome song to do a music video for though. Maybe it's easy for us to get the mental picture in our minds because it's sosemthing most everyone can relate to on some level. I tend to think, that songs where a mental picture is being painted by the artist and every word is another stroke of the brush, that those are songs people remember most. Perhaps people should visualize what they're writing instead of solely writing without visualizing the thought at the same time. I think it's also something our spirit can related to... We tend to not believe what we can't see. And truth is... it just depends what how we're looking at something. Because we may not be able to see something physically but if we can see it spiritually or mentally.... we can see it. It goes back to faith. We may not see something in one way right now, but if we only have faith (see it through the eyes of faith) we will have it that way later. So, question is, Do you have a visual?

[Convicted]

Over the past month I realize that sometimes I complain to much. Sometimes life doesn't seem to be going right and we think we have it real bad! If we would just take a second to look around, someone has it worse then you.

A friend of mine got back from fighting in the war overseas. He was based in Afgan. He told me that at the start of the day when he woke up, he would remind himself that he gets to go home in a matter of time. There are people that actually live there and have to go through this every single day of their lives.

Which reminds me that we have so much to be thankful for inspite of our own personal struggles and tragedies. Sometimes we take for granted things that are huge blessings, things and insignificant we don't even take one pause through the day (evenwhich seem so small a second) to think about how fortunate and blessed we are that we are priviledged in such ways.
And so many times, we struggle living in our current circumstances, not taking into account that there's probably many, many people who would be happy to trade something to gain at least ONE aspect of what we have in our lives, if not many more. I could go on and on just listing everything... Like David said in Psalms, we can't count all of the blessings God has done for us, let alone count them in chronological order... "Count Your Blessings" really is a true statement.. Which is another example of common phrases that are easily taken for granted, and really should be extrapolated on much more extensively in our lives everyday. Our problems may not be trivial, because indeed they hurt us deep, but the least we can do is be thankful for what we do have. And we really do have, more than we know. And what we do know, we often tend to push to the back of our mind, when it's really something we should keep at the forefront. Also, the more we look at how God has blessed us, the more we will see the desperation and need of others and desire to help supply that need, in whatever way possible. I could list scenarios of blessings that God has blessed us with... but it's just so many. I challenge everyone, to make a point of thinking of the many different ways God has blessed you.. even if it seems hard at first. You'll greatly benefit from doing so.


I was out the other night with some guys. One of the guys is a little of the heavy side and the rest of the guys are skin and bones. The skinny guys are alway "jokingly" making fun of his weight. Since they do it so much, the heavier guy jokes along with them. "To Fit In" I made a comment the other day to one of them about it and his responds was.. We are just joking around and he even jokes about it. He doesn't care. I went on the tell him that it actually really does hurt. I have been there. I know what its like. I was made fun of my whole life due to my weight. I did the same thing he did. I started joking about it. Deep down inside I was hurting and becoming depressed. There was times that I would go into another room and start crying. Even though I knew they were joking..it still hurt.

Yep, we put on a masquerade to gain acceptance from others, when really deep down inside we're in agony. Christ accepts us just the way that we are. If we are truly reflecting Him we will accept others as well. I just bugs me so much seeing people discluding someone, or picking on them even if it is in a joking fashion. Before someone does that, they should ask themselves if they would want it done to them.. Words of Jesus right there. No one wants that done to them, especially on a repetitive basis. It makes them feel like the outcast, the person who just doesn't belong. Also, when I see people trying blend in and get along with others even if it costs them inside... I hate it. It's natural to want to be accepted by them, but sometimes playing that kind of role just causes our hearts more damage. We have to realize our identity is in Christ. What everything and everyone else says (no matter who it is) means absolutely nothing if it's against who Christ has made you to be. While it's still hard facing their rejection at times, we can rest in the fact that they might reject us or belittle us in some sort of way, but there is One who will never betray us like that. Someone who has confidence in who we are to be... (which really isn't us) and accepts us just as we are. No matter if our condition is prime and pristine or broken and despised. His love for us is unconditional.


There was a boy name Timmy from school. He had no friends and was always laughed at and made fun of. After school I noticed he was carrying all of his school books home with him. I couldn't figure out why he had every book. As I was watching him, there was a group of boys that had ran up and knocked the books out of his hands. The books went everywhere! I went running over there as fast as I could to help him pick them up. I introduced myself to him for the first time. Since he had so many books, I helped him carry them home. A few days went by and there was knock at my door, it was Timmy. He started crying. I asked him what was wrong. He went on to ask me if I remembered the other day when I helped him. He told me that night he was planning on going home and taking his life. The reason why he had all of his books was so his parents didn't have to go to the school and clean out his locker. He thanked me for befriending him and helping him out, it was what changed his mind.

Like I said, I simple hello or a smile could go a long way!


Exactly. We never know how our seemingly miniscule words, actions, smiles, letters, e-mails, etc... Anything, will have an impact on someone's life. I believe it's our part to take that step and reach out to someone in some way, and that God will touch that persons life with His awesome power.

I like the lyrics from Casting Crowns also. The bridge is really powerful and creative. The part about being a puppet and not even knowing it. Reminds me of the drama "The Puppet Master."

[Convicted]

beautiful hell

sitting in my chair, trying to unwind,
can't gain control of memories in mind.
all are so clear, perfectly concise:
a deceitful collection of fire and ice.
they warm my heart, but freeze my soul;
can't help but wonder - will i ever be whole?
i'm torn by the story of each image i see -
surreal, but completely defining me.
layer upon layer, it seems there's no end
of the torment of soul that the Lord longs to mend.
it seems i'm held captive in a very small cell:
my heart and my memories - my beautiful hell.
reflecting on joy brings comfort to mind;
get lost in the thought? there's power to bind!
it's hopeless - i'm bound - what can i do?
i'm desperately frantic to find the breakthrough!
i'm kicking and screaming, but no one can see
the prisoner i have locked inside of me.
don't know how to break free, i know them too well,
these memories, they make up my beautiful hell.
i know the answer, i can see the key
but the face in the mirror, always taunting me.
constant reminders of yesterday's pain
overshadow the love of the One Who was slain.
i know He's the answer, i know He is there,
but this is the question i constantly bear:
as i hand it all over to the great I AM,
will i lose all that makes ME who I am?
as much as it hurts, those memories, to see
each pieced together has created me.
help me rise up, Lord, i want to be well.
help me escape this beautiful hell.

I absolutely love this! It's so powerful. When I first heard the concept of "Beautiful Hell" I knew it was something that God was going to use profoundly. I have to say, this is pretty creative as well. Actually it reminds me of a couple songs I wrote (still writing also), one within this month. The newest one is called, "Personal Dungeon." It's funny, 'cause I wrote that song at the beginning of the month but forgot about it, and then we had the conversations about freedom/bondage. That's kind of neat, perhaps another confimation. The other song I wrote a while back is called, "Inner Torture."

Your blood is sufficient, to release me from this.. internal prison.

[Convicted]

"Beautiful Hell"- I love the irony of losing your self to find yourself. We have to be broken down before Christ, "I Am," can really fully embody us and walk fully w/ the Lord. The suffering and pain in our lives will never out weigh the gift He gave us.

That reminds me of the first line in "Complete" by Kutless...

Incomplete it all began
The broken state that I was in
I wished that I was someone else
Cause' I was lost inside myself
I started seeing who I am
The day my life with You began
You clearly solved the mystery
That finding You meant finding me.

The best part of the song, to me.

Losing yourself to save/find/gain yourself. "The art of losing myself" - Hillsong United.

[Convicted]

i wasn't going to share it, laura, but....remembered that convicted asked me to share what else the Lord said about that phrase, so.....i posted it.

i had hubby read it & he kept telling me how great i did, and i was just like, "that was NOT me! i've NEVER written a poem (is that what it is?? that's what it looks like to me!), and THAT came out in 15 minutes." FIFTEEN minutes! and, there's only one line that was marked out & rephrased, so....i guarantee you that i did NOT do that! (i would have re-written about 90% of what's in there & still been unhappy with it and scrapped it! and...as a "hehe" side note, convicted - wanna guess what the Lord told me to do with it?!?! hahahaha)

That's amazing! I always love it when God does things like that. Surprising you with something you don't expect, can't produce yourself etc.. It's great how He takes over. Hm... what did God tell you to do with it. I'm going to say, what I suggested to begin with.. A song? I still think it'd be a good song. It's actually more creative in ways than a lot of other songs. Is that it???


i know that God works all things, He uses my past to mold my future (and ministry opps)...i guess i felt that i would be taking away things that God could work with if i would TRULY lay them down. (ok, seeing that in writing, i KNOW how absurd it sounds.....i know some of you know exactly what i'm talking about, though)

i need to lose my SELF, so that i can find MYSELF. just because i let go of those things that make me who i am, that does NOT mean that HE lets go of those things that make me who i am! it only means that i have given Him room to come in and restore those things, so i'm not a complete mess when it IS time to pull from those resources in a ministry opportunity.

That's exactly what we need to do. We need to lay those things down at the throne, the things that we think (and usually are) things that God wants us to progress with in the future. It's only when we do that, that we can truly become all that He's created us to be. We will never operate at our maximum potential if we keep trying to hold onto the gifts/things God has given us to excel further, until we learn that its not our own ability in these things that is going to make us excel and succeed, it's ONLY going to God. Only through releasing our control of ourselves, and everything we have... are we going to fully be able to receive all that God has for us and eagerly wants to give us. It's like... a little child holding a tattered and disfunctional toy in their hands, and then not putting that toy down so that their parents can give them something better. Reminds me of "My Desire" from Jeremy.

[Convicted]

I would literally do a thousand situps a day and several hundred pushups.


That is a lot of exercising! I'm glad God's given you a more accurate perspective about the whole thing. Stay strengthened in His might. :)

[cori]

[QUOTE=Convicted;14622]Problem is, sometimes they no longer even know that they're bound. They've come to make that place their home, and have to learn it's not the place they belong. Until they realize that, they will actually be content (to an extent) living in that bondage that keeps that captive. beautiful hell!

Also... sometimes I think we ourselves experience certain things that keep us bound, not just so we learn something personally (though of course we do) but that we also can help liberate someone else from that state of bondage their in, which is similar (in ways anyhow) to the same bondage we were held in. trying to escape the beautiful hell...

i know EXACTLY what you're saying! :D

[Meadow]

Your Welcome. Everything in life happens for a reason. We can grow from it and share with others so they can grow from it also. Sometimes there is something small in life that is nothing big but if it is shared with the right person..i could change their life forever!

Aaron- it really has made a difference! Yes, I truly believe there is always a reason for the season we are in. It may not be quite what God had in mind for us, but He knew what choices we would make and how they would affect us. Sometimes we decide to take hold of the wheel too much in our lives and not allow God to help us through and we then end up places we never intended to be. And as you said we can grow from our previous choices in life and allow it to help others and make room for a brighter day. Somethings I'm not very proud of and a lot that are insecurities that have a tendency to trap and prey on me. I have to learn to not feed into those insecurities, but it can be hard sometimes.

[Meadow]

Leigh,

I know it takes a lot to share something like that and I totally admire you for that. I also have to tell you that you are not alone. I, too, suffered from an eating disorder when I was younger. I had those same exact fears as you. I hated eating out with friends, and I NEVER ate lunch at school. I went through a lot of rough times in high school, a lot of depression, & it all just caught up with me. Suddenly I found myself sick at the thought of putting a single thing in my mouth. I skipped breakfast simply because I never had time, I didn't eat lunch at school, then at dinner, I asked my mother to serve me less, and I would eat as little of that as possible....sometimes I'd be able to get away eating nothing at all. After a while I started to feel weaker, but at the same time, I could see myself getting skinnier and was getting more and more compliments, so I looked past the weakness. In fact, I looked at the weakness as a sign that I needed to exercise more to get stronger, so I became exercise crazy! I would literally do a thousand situps a day and several hundred pushups. I had measured my waist to keep up since I couldn't weigh myself, & I literally lost almost 4 inches in a couple days. Something snapped in me at that point and I realized that I was in trouble. I spent the entire night curled up in bed just bawling. The next morning mom came in to wake me up for school & asked me what was wrong. I told her I hadn't eaten in two months. She quickly ran to the kitchen & made me something to eat. I sat there and gagged at the idea of putting it in my mouth, but I knew I had to (plus mom was sitting there forcing me to :p). I hated it, I hated her for making me do it, I hated myself for being at that point. But it was that point that I started to turn it around. For MONTHS after that, mom would make me eat after school, even if I ate lunch at school that day, then she would watch me like a hawk at dinner and make sure I ate every bite. I was MISERABLE. If I even stopped for a second, she'd be on me. But looking back, I have to thank her for every bit of it! And the really sad part is that, at that time I would look at pictures of myself and just saw this HUGE person. Now when I look back on those photos, I'm not big at all! It's scary how your mind can play with you like that!

As a result of this all, my stomach literally shrunk. I am currently about 40lbs overweight, but my actual stomach is smaller than normal, so I'll be out with friends and be like "Man I'm STARVING" then I'll eat till I'm full but it doesn't take much at all & my friends will be like "Seriously? You hardly ate anything. I thought you were starving!"

I've been overweight for a while now, and it does get to me every now and then, but I'll NEVER again use such drastic measures to get to where I was! From January to June of this year, I lost 14lbs! I'm getting weighed again in a couple weeks & I'm actually excited because for the first time in a long time, I feel good about myself even though I'm overweight, because I know that I'm taking care of it the right way! :)I admire you for that Kelly!You, know there are some real warriors here fighting the fight and I'm proud to be along the side fighting with you all. Exercise played into my daily regimen too I was doing 500 crunches and 10 miles a day cardio- on a stationary bike I really don't know how i did it running on such little fuel. I love to run though, but I have a bad knee. I have put that to the back of my mind after my doctor said you could be looking at a knee replacement by the time you are forty(i'm almost 36). I do miss the freedom i felt and the adrenaline rush I got. I get teary eyed thinking about it because it was another one of those great escapes from the world. It was a love like music for me. You go Girl cause I have never been good at push ups so i use regular weights for upper body. So when do you want to go to the gym?;)

[Meadow]

Cori- you are a sweetie! i'm sorry that you had to deal w/ all of that and what you are facing. I helps to take the focus off of your self by looking around at all that is going on with the war and all the Christians that are being perscuted. We then realize our problems are so small compared to others that could be us.

[Meadow]

I completely agree, with every word. And I admire the boldness everyone has had on this board to share their journey's and struggles with us. I think we can all relate to everything that's been said in some way.

I never had a weight issue eitherI can imagine what kind of impact it can have on someone's thought process, but , since I've felt similar but through different ways. The only time I really came near a food issue thing was way back in kindergarten. I was eating something while watching this kid play on the school computer; apparently they could hear me munching and they said something.. (not even being mean really). So I didn't really eat lunch much at school for a while then. But that didn't last long. The hardest part, was when my parents told my teacher about it, when I quit not eating at school and did again. It was over with. When the teacher took me to a back room and gave me a huge lecture about it until I cried. And then asked me why I was crying... I hate it when teachers do things like that. I've had similar things like that happen with teachers too many times (other people have had it a lot worse than me though).

With me, I can go a long time without eating anything and not really care about it at all. My mom will say to me, (even when I do eat a lot that day) "Eat something. Do you want to be skinny?" If I don't want to eat all the time, I don't have to; it's not like I'm anorexic. If I want to eat though, I could eat more than a lot of people. Non-stop eating all day! I think exercising is fun, but there's lots of periods of time when I don't exercise at all. Other times it's like my body wants to move constantly, (does that make sense?) so I'll do a lot of athletic types of things all day long. It takes a lot to wear me out=] Even if I do get tired though, I probably wouldn't admit it. (Pride :confused: Maybe.. I don't know) I would admit it sometimes, but the endurance thing intrigues me 'cause it reminds me of the spiritual side of things. Just saying your exhausted kind of feels like giving up to me though; but it isn't (necessarily). Perhaps I got that concept from all of the times people associate being tired with giving up - or they suggest it.

I'll have to remember that cause I know exhaustion hits me to the point I have no control. When my body says it needs sleep and I'm not obedient to that alarm going off it comes back to haunt me. I wear myself down trying to be a "Super" mom and all the other things I have to balance. So my eyes will close up and my head lands on my lap top sometimes or I just collapse where ever I'm at. If i don't get enough sleep my immune system becomes weak and I usually get sick. A few weeks ago I was to that point and they were so concerned about me at work they sent one of the nurses to follow me home. It's nice to work some where that they care about your health and well being. I will be the first to admit that it's time for bed or i'll be the first one to fall sleep where ever I'm at. Though, I'm not one of those people who sleep the day away either. I guess I'm trying to say it's not defeat because you are submitting to your body's needs and everyone's clock is different.:) I'll have to catch up with you guys later....i won't say it- so good night :)

[cori]

I absolutely love this! It's so powerful. When I first heard the concept of "Beautiful Hell" I knew it was something that God was going to use profoundly. I have to say, this is pretty creative as well. Actually it reminds me of a couple songs I wrote (still writing also), one within this month. The newest one is called, "Personal Dungeon." It's funny, 'cause I wrote that song at the beginning of the month but forgot about it, and then we had the conversations about freedom/bondage. That's kind of neat, perhaps another confimation. The other song I wrote a while back is called, "Inner Torture."

Your blood is sufficient, to release me from this.. internal prison.

lol, creative?? chalk up another for "you KNOW this came from the Lord, because...." lol i've tried soooo many times (and MANY different ways!!) to be creative, and....that's definitely not a gifting that i have! lol

when you finish your songs that are on this concept, please post them for us. :)

[cori]

[QUOTE=Convicted;14634]That's amazing! I always love it when God does things like that. Surprising you with something you don't expect, can't produce yourself etc.. It's great how He takes over. if it had NOT come from Him, i probably wouldn't have posted it! i had no idea i was still struggling with so many of those memories until i sat down to write that out. and the way it all came out when i did...i'm pretty sure i shared that in one of the posts about it afterward, but....i know for CERTAIN that i was merely holding the pen. i LOVE it when He does that! (and it sure takes the pressure of making it something great away! lol)

Hm... what did God tell you to do with it. I'm going to say, what I suggested to begin with.. A song? I still think it'd be a good song. It's actually more creative in ways than a lot of other songs. Is that it??? hmmm, i never thought of it as a song - maybe because my musical talent consists of pushing play on the cd player?!?! lol any musicians interested in turning it into one? seriously though....i about died laughing, because of previous conversations, when He told me to do this. "go buy a journal." (you know, one of the "pretty" ones) i think He plans on doing this more.....

Only through releasing our control of ourselves, and everything we have... are we going to fully be able to receive all that God has for us and eagerly wants to give us. It's like... a little child holding a tattered and disfunctional toy in their hands, and then not putting that toy down so that their parents can give them something better. Reminds me of "My Desire" from Jeremy. exactly right! and the analogy is a PERFECT description. i'm holding a tattered & dysfunctional ME, expecting the Lord to fix me without handing myself over. (ouch!)

[cori]

So when do you want to go to the gym?;)

i wanna go, too!!!! i think a lot of my weight issues would be less intense if i were actually IN shape! (when i got my dog, i thought walking would help with that....i try to get in at least 1 mile a day with him - sometimes i'll get 2, but lately i've been getting NONE :S anyway....it HAS helped...from the knees down (exacerbating the knee injury & pain), but...not so much above the knees).

you know, they say that accountability with an exercise partner reeeeeally helps people stick to their routines....anyone interested in trying a jc message boards exercise group? lol (and there you have it, the extent of MY creativity! lol) i know we're not all in the same state, but....sharing progress & success with each other here?

[cori]

leigh, thank you for your kind words, and again, for your generous open arms (?! lol) to your pm box. :) i didn't feel obligated to share that story....an opportunity had come up several times before to share it, but...i kept resisting, because i'm trying reeeeeally hard to let go of all that stuff so that i can move FORWARD in my marriage. but when i realized that it tied in with how my weight issues started, i had to deal with those things...just another level of healing. if i had not shared it then, i probably would have just been having the battle in the mind over it, trying to work through it alone. i probably will go back & delete the post (is that possible?), just so that story isn't looming out there in cyberspace forever. i feel a connection with you guys, so i don't mind sharing, but...(and this may sound horrible :S )..i can't say that i'm especially excited about the idea of someone new to the boards stumbling across that post. anyway...

when i start feeling down about my weight, i just remind myself that i'm NOT 18 anymore, and that i AM at a healthy weight now (even though i'm not even CLOSE to being in shape). i also remind myself of all the people i know who are truly struggling with a legitimate weight issue and pray for them. one of those "selfish tragedies," so....i usually go pull out beyond measure & listen to that song a few times & i'm good to go.

thank you for your encouragement. :) you are amazing!!! (all of you are...in case i've never told you before! ;) )

[cori]

i meant to include this in one of my earlier responses, but....somehow i left it out. :S

convicted - i LOVE to read what you have to say! i've actually been missing the back & forth discussion we were having (although matthew is glad to have the 2 hrs it would take me to read & respond to it all back! lol)! i'm looking forward to a new topic that we can bounce back & forth a few times! ;)

it's funny to me, how...in spite of ALL of us encouraging one another to KEEP posting, we are ALL being told similar lies (people are sick of reading what you write..you're wrong...they already know this...waste of time....blah blah blah). i daresay that the Lord is about to move BIG time through these boards & someone doesn't really want that to happen.

i love being able to come here & just share my heart - and it's such a bonus that not only is everyone here willing to listen to it, they are ALSO willing to share THEIR heart with me (us)! before i joined, i seriously thought about joining several times, but kept deciding against it, because..that whole celebrity thing. i CAN get caught up in it, even though i have NO desire to do so, and...i don't know. i love jeremy's music & his ministry, and he seems like a great guy (who also seems to be EXACTLY who he portrays himself to be), but....i was worried that joining a jc message board would be a speeding ticket to getting caught up in some kind of crazy jeremy camp frenzy. i must admit that it's been VERY refreshing (and surprising!!! lol) to see how LITTLE we talk about HIM! (*blush* no offense, jeremy....) and when it is about him, it's never "oooh, he's hot" (pink shirt excluded! hehe) or "i can't believe he did THAT" or anything. we're not stalkers! lol we're not even obsessors! and....to be completely honest (no tomatoes, please...), i was fairly certain that THAT was what i was going to find here.

anyway, blah blah blah - all of that to say that i LOVE this place! i check it more than i check my email, myspace, AND facebook (combined!!!) accounts! so.....i'd like to add my voice to the encouragement to keep posting to EVERYONE. :D

[Meadow]

leigh, thank you for your kind words, and again, for your generous open arms (?! lol) to your pm box. :) i didn't feel obligated to share that story....an opportunity had come up several times before to share it, but...i kept resisting, because i'm trying reeeeeally hard to let go of all that stuff so that i can move FORWARD in my marriage. but when i realized that it tied in with how my weight issues started, i had to deal with those things...just another level of healing. if i had not shared it then, i probably would have just been having the battle in the mind over it, trying to work through it alone. i probably will go back & delete the post (is that possible?), just so that story isn't looming out there in cyberspace forever. i feel a connection with you guys, so i don't mind sharing, but...(and this may sound horrible :S )..i can't say that i'm especially excited about the idea of someone new to the boards stumbling across that post. anyway...

when i start feeling down about my weight, i just remind myself that i'm NOT 18 anymore, and that i AM at a healthy weight now (even though i'm not even CLOSE to being in shape). i also remind myself of all the people i know who are truly struggling with a legitimate weight issue and pray for them. one of those "selfish tragedies," so....i usually go pull out beyond measure & listen to that song a few times & i'm good to go.

thank you for your encouragement. :) you are amazing!!! (all of you are...in case i've never told you before! ;) )

You're welcome-thank you! Everything and everyone has been a blessing! I enjoy our fellowship here. :) Bless you ~Leigh

[Meadow]

Today God lead me and my daughter to read Colossians and it was everything He has been speaking to my heart about. i thought I would share a few chapters. Take notice the last verse in chapter 2(Colossians 2:23) which will follow this post- sounds familiar w/ what we were talking about.

Colossians 1:3-29

Thanksgiving and Prayer
3We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, 4because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints— 5the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel 6that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. 7You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, 8and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.
9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. 13For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

The Supremacy of Christ
15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
21Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

Paul's Labor for the Church
24Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. 25I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— 26the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. 27To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
28We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. 29To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

[Meadow]

Colossians 2:1-23

1I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. 2My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, 3in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. 4I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. 5For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.

Freedom From Human Regulations Through Life With Christ
6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, 7rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
8See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

9For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, 10and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. 11In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, 12having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead.

13When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. 15And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

16Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. 17These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. 18Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. 19He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow.

20Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21"Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

[Psalms23]

[QUOTE=Meadow;14689]Aaron- it really has made a difference! Yes, I truly believe there is always a reason for the season we are in. It may not be quite what God had in mind for us, but He knew what choices we would make and how they would affect us. Sometimes we decide to take hold of the wheel too much in our lives and not allow God to help us through and we then end up places we never intended to be. And as you said we can grow from our previous choices in life and allow it to help others and make room for a brighter day. Somethings I'm not very proud of and a lot that are insecurities that have a tendency to trap and prey on me. I have to learn to not feed into those insecurities, but it can be hard sometimes.[/QUOTE



At the YMCA Camp that I work at, i use to work with school groups. There was this one school group that was very young (3rd grade), there was a lot of them, they wouldnt listen, the parents that came would listen either, and on top of it all...it rained the whole time. After the school let, my friend and I both thought that it was the worst school that we had worked with out of alllll the schools. To us it seemed like a nightmare. A few weeks later Fins an I got a letter in the mail from one of the parents from the school. It was a letter thanking us and letting us know that we changed her daughters life. The parents were goign through a separation and it took a big impact on her daughter. Her daughter was a little bigger and didnt have many friends. So her daughters life was taking a toll down and when she came to camp Fins and I befriended her, talked to her, and played games with her and made sure we included her in everything that everyone was doing. Her mom said ever since she got home from camp she had been happier person and said just from the little stuff that we did (without thinking about it and knowing what was going on) it changed her life. Here we were thinking it was the worst school group that we had worked with and how crazy it was...but yet a lot of good came out of it at the end!


Like we were talking about.. a little smile or a little hello can go a long ways.




I have a lot of catching up to do..i hadnt really been able to spend much time on the board in the past few days!

[jllm04]

I know that the discussion has moved on from the weight topic,
but I wanted to let all you ladies know that you are beautiful!
I'll be honest, I've never really struggled with my weight, but I was a gymast growing up and after having kiddos I wasn't quite sure what to think of my body. It has taken me the better part of three years to get used to the way I look after having two children (whom I love dearly) and my schedule going completely whacky and all the other extended family stuff.
However, I'm totally up to helping anyone stick to a work out program who wants too :)

I love you each, and no woman should have to stress over their weight/looks, but I know we do! Let's do our best to help keep it in check!

Lana :)

[cori]

ok, lana....i'm in! since it looks like it may just be the 2 of us, wanna keep that in pm?

thank you for your encouragement, too, btw! i grew up with an absolutely BEAUTIFUL sister, and my mom made sure i always knew how ugly i was as a baby (not even kidding!) and that she was eagerly awaiting me to pass the "ugly duckling stage" so she could see what i would look like. i'm sure that has a lot to do with my wanting to blend into the walls thing, but....i've been sloooooowly getting a better perspective on that. so...anyway...

thank you for your encouragement. :D

[Kelly]

Last night my family booked a trip to the coast for 5 days in March. So excited!!!! Then my mom & sis-in-law came up with the idea that each couple (mom & dad and my bro & sis-in-law) would compete in a Biggest Loser type race to be bathing suit ready by then. They're even putting money in it! Hehe. Should be interesting!

[cori]

oooh kelly, WHICH coast??? i heard that jeremy's gonna be on the west coast in MARCH.....(the wheels in the head go 'round & 'round....if coast = WEST coast = CA coast.....wonder how far you'll be from ontario & we can meet at the show on the 26th??? that would be AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!)

[Kelly]

Hehe nope....Texas coast :p That would be awesome though! One of these days ;) I gotta lotta people I need to meet over there!

[Meadow]

[QUOTE=Meadow;14689]Aaron- it really has made a difference! Yes, I truly believe there is always a reason for the season we are in. It may not be quite what God had in mind for us, but He knew what choices we would make and how they would affect us. Sometimes we decide to take hold of the wheel too much in our lives and not allow God to help us through and we then end up places we never intended to be. And as you said we can grow from our previous choices in life and allow it to help others and make room for a brighter day. Somethings I'm not very proud of and a lot that are insecurities that have a tendency to trap and prey on me. I have to learn to not feed into those insecurities, but it can be hard sometimes.[/QUOTE



At the YMCA Camp that I work at, i use to work with school groups. There was this one school group that was very young (3rd grade), there was a lot of them, they wouldnt listen, the parents that came would listen either, and on top of it all...it rained the whole time. After the school let, my friend and I both thought that it was the worst school that we had worked with out of alllll the schools. To us it seemed like a nightmare. A few weeks later Fins an I got a letter in the mail from one of the parents from the school. It was a letter thanking us and letting us know that we changed her daughters life. The parents were goign through a separation and it took a big impact on her daughter. Her daughter was a little bigger and didnt have many friends. So her daughters life was taking a toll down and when she came to camp Fins and I befriended her, talked to her, and played games with her and made sure we included her in everything that everyone was doing. Her mom said ever since she got home from camp she had been happier person and said just from the little stuff that we did (without thinking about it and knowing what was going on) it changed her life. Here we were thinking it was the worst school group that we had worked with and how crazy it was...but yet a lot of good came out of it at the end!


Like we were talking about.. a little smile or a little hello can go a long ways.




I have a lot of catching up to do..i hadnt really been able to spend much time on the board in the past few days!

Aaron , i love to hear stories like that. can you imagine how it changed that girls life w/ just you and your friend's open arms?! you and your friend were building blocks of the beginning of her testimony. Each time she remembers what you and your friend did for her and shares that w/ others God is smiling upon you both no doubt. And that seed you planted is growing and multiplying! This excites me!!!! I'm not just saying I love to hear those stories to say something nice back -I LOVE to hear these stories! I reminds me of middle school i so desperately wanted to be a part of someone's life as a friend so anytime there would be a new student I would do my best to be the first to befriend them. I knew that what they were feeling to be a new student was not a good feeling and if i could help someone avoid rejection it made me feel needed and wanted, like I was making a difference in someone's life whether they accept me or not. I knew if I could help deliver someone else from that pain just maybe I would eventually be delievered from it too( it makes me cry to think about my prayers then, "God are You really there? Do You hear me?"). It helped me forget or escape my lonely world of misery I was living in. I didn't want them to feel that they didn't belong. This is a new opportunity to start fresh maybe we'll be bestfriends??? My one best friend in highschool happened that way! :) I just got a Christmas card saying she is pregnant after years of marriage! Talk about a Hallmark moment- I felt so blessed by this news and all because many years ago I took the risk to introduce myself! Don't let a day pass that you don't try to make a difference in someone else's life and if they aren't accepting God is still there smiling down upon you! Just a smile can be all that maybe necessary. :)

Love you all!

[cori]

Hehe nope....Texas coast :p That would be awesome though! One of these days ;) I gotta lotta people I need to meet over there!

rats! i was hoping!!!! my count for ontario may actually be up to 7 now, and...i was hoping to bump it up to 8 (or more, if your family went too! lol). someday, though...

hmmmm....maybe we should plan a CAMPing trip to their home church in indiana & just take over the service or something (when we know they're gonna be there, of course). have a big ol' board party or something! :D

[Psalms23]

hmmmm....maybe we should plan a CAMPing trip to their home church in indiana & just take over the service or something (when we know they're gonna be there, of course). have a big ol' board party or something! :D

Thats what I like to hear!!!!!! I live less than 30 mins from Pastor Tom Camp's church! As many of you all know...I work at a YMCA Camp....They have Cabins...Bunk Rooms...Beds!!!! Maybe I could work something out with my work and yall could bunk there!

[Psalms23]

[QUOTE=Psalms23;14784]

Aaron , i love to hear stories like that. can you imagine how it changed that girls life w/ just you and your friend's open arms?! you and your friend were building blocks of the beginning of her testimony. Each time she remembers what you and your friend did for her and shares that w/ others God is smiling upon you both no doubt. And that seed you planted is growing and multiplying! This excites me!!!! I'm not just saying I love to hear those stories to say something nice back -I LOVE to hear these stories! I reminds me of middle school i so desperately wanted to be a part of someone's life as a friend so anytime there would be a new student I would do my best to be the first to befriend them. I knew that what they were feeling to be a new student was not a good feeling and if i could help someone avoid rejection it made me feel needed and wanted, like I was making a difference in someone's life whether they accept me or not. I knew if I could help deliver someone else from that pain just maybe I would eventually be delivered from it too( it makes me cry to think about my prayers then, "God are You really there? Do You hear me?"). It helped me forget or escape my lonely world of misery I was living in. I didn't want them to feel that they didn't belong. This is a new opportunity to start fresh maybe we'll be bestfriends??? My one best friend in highschool happened that way! :) I just got a Christmas card saying she is pregnant after years of marriage! Talk about a Hallmark moment- I felt so blessed by this news and all because many years ago I took the risk to introduce myself! Don't let a day pass that you don't try to make a difference in someone else's life and if they aren't accepting God is still there smiling down upon you! Just a smile can be all that maybe necessary. :)

Love you all!



There is a song shortly after I read that played from my playlist on the computer and it made me think of this post.

Never Alone - Barlow Girls
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

[cori]

Thats what I like to hear!!!!!! I live less than 30 mins from Pastor Tom Camp's church! As many of you all know...I work at a YMCA Camp....They have Cabins...Bunk Rooms...Beds!!!! Maybe I could work something out with my work and yall could bunk there!

that would be SWEET!!!!! i just LOVE the idea of meeting all of you someday! and the more, the merrier! (says the person with HUUUUUGE meeting-people-anxiety issues! lol)

[Convicted]

I guess I'm trying to say it's not defeat because you are submitting to your body's needs and everyone's clock is different.:)

Exactly, it's not giving up to take a rest when you're body need to for its health. I usually get enough rest though; and even when I don't, I usually catch up on it later.

[Convicted]

I love to run though, but I have a bad knee. I have put that to the back of my mind after my doctor said you could be looking at a knee replacement by the time you are forty(i'm almost 36). I do miss the freedom i felt and the adrenaline rush I got. I get teary eyed thinking about it because it was another one of those great escapes from the world. It was a love like music for me.

I love running also (but haven't for a while). I know exactly what you mean about it being like an escape, similar to music. I always was fast. There was only one other person who beat me at running, and that was by a few inches; hands length. It reminds me of the movie Chariots of Fire (part of the reason I liked that movie!), the part where Eric Liddle says, "When I run, I feel His pleasure." I've always loved that statement. =] I know exactly what it's like to feel that way also. When I run it's like I feel freedom; to put it simplistically. It's also kind of fun just to run as far and fast as you can, for as long as you can. But, doing that, also reminds me of the need for endurance. Since, if you just put forth all of your energy at once, it's going to lead to going some place really quick, but suddenly coming to a screetching hault until you rest and get re-energized. That's why we need to run with endurance!! So we can endure till the finish line, and receive the prize.

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. Therefore I run thus; not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

[Convicted]

lol, creative?? chalk up another for "you KNOW this came from the Lord, because...." lol i've tried soooo many times (and MANY different ways!!) to be creative, and....that's definitely not a gifting that i have! lol

when you finish your songs that are on this concept, please post them for us. :)

Yes, parts of it were more creative than a lot of stuff we hear nowadays. And I definetely agree with you... It's not our creativity, it's Gods!!! God really is the most creative; He's the author of creativity. I think when we display creativeness it brings Him glory. Because after all, it's not our creativity... :) It sounds like circle talk, but that's because it's all related. Enough with my gibberish now.

I have no clue when the songs will be finished. One I've been in the midst of writing for a while now (like a year or so). But if God permits me when the task is complete, I'll post them.

[Convicted]

if it had NOT come from Him, i probably wouldn't have posted it! i had no idea i was still struggling with so many of those memories until i sat down to write that out. and the way it all came out when i did...i'm pretty sure i shared that in one of the posts about it afterward, but....i know for CERTAIN that i was merely holding the pen. i LOVE it when He does that! (and it sure takes the pressure of making it something great away! lol)

I love it when He does that as well! And you know, when I think about it, God never told us to do something great in ourselves. Though, greatness is meant to flow through us. It's always His greatness working in us. That's what brings Him ALL of the glory.


hmmm, i never thought of it as a song - maybe because my musical talent consists of pushing play on the cd player?!?! lol any musicians interested in turning it into one? seriously though....i about died laughing, because of previous conversations, when He told me to do this. "go buy a journal." (you know, one of the "pretty" ones) i think He plans on doing this more.....

Pushing the play button... LoL! I have no doubt, that He is going to do something new, since He told you that.


exactly right! and the analogy is a PERFECT description. i'm holding a tattered & dysfunctional ME, expecting the Lord to fix me without handing myself over. (ouch!)

Imagine just how much it saddens Him, seeing us in that broken down condition, while He has/Is the cure that will mend us, yet we keep rejecting His help.. because we're too afraid (selfish/proud/etc) to trust our life completely in His hands. It's like we think we're gaining, what we're really losing, when we don't realize that when we give it all away to Him, we're really gaining everything that we'll ever need, or want (in Him), and we gain more than we could ever fathom altogether.

[Convicted]

you know, they say that accountability with an exercise partner reeeeeally helps people stick to their routines....anyone interested in trying a jc message boards exercise group? lol (and there you have it, the extent of MY creativity! lol) i know we're not all in the same state, but....sharing progress & success with each other here?

Heh', that sounds like an interesting concept. Would it be like... a program everyone individually makes for themselves, or would it be one where everyone at least does one/several things on a planned schedule of exercises? Of course there will be individual options no matter what, but what would be the detailed dynamics of it? It'd need to be planned (at least a little more detailed) before it could be fully executed (to the extent of real commitment; which produces more potential progress).

[cori]

ok....so.....i'm soooo glad that you kinda brought these posts back around (full circle! hehe), because it saves me a lot of typing to backtrack to keep the flow with what i'm about to post.

so....i'm sitting down tonight to do the next chapter in my Bible study, and i'm seriously like :o hit in the face with a ton of bricks as i read. all of the stuff that has come up since that one phone call with my mom & all the emotionally painful issues from the past (weight issues, etc... seems a few of us are dealing with similar ghosts of the past right now...), and now, after reading this, i REEEEEALLY feel that God is calling me to go back & really deal with those things, once and for all.

jer. 46:3-11 -> put in order the buckler & shield, and advance for battle! (4) harness the horses, and mount, you horsemen! stand forth with your helmets! polish the spears, put on the coats of mail! (5) why have i seen it? they are dismayed and have turned backward, and their mighty warriors are beaten down. they flee in haste & look not back; terror is on every side! says the Lord. (6) let not the swift flee nor the mighty man escape; in the north by the river euphrates they stumble & fall. (7) who is this that rises up like the nile (river), like the branches (of the nile in the delta of egypt) whose waters surge and toss? (8) egypt rises like the nile, like the rivers whose waters surge & toss. she says, i will rise, i will cover the earth; i will destroy cities & their inhabitants. (9) go up, you horses, and drive furiously, you chariots! let the warriors go forth - men of ethiopia & put who handle the shiled, men of lud who are skilled in handling & stringing the bow. (10) but that day is a day of the Lord, the Lord of hosts - a day of vengeance, that He may avenge Himself on His adversaries. and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiated & shall drink its fill of their blood for the Lord, the Lord of hosts has a sacrifice (like that of a great sin offering) in the north country by the river euphrates. (11) go up into gilead and take (healing) balm, o virgin daughter of egypt! in vain do you use many medicines; for you there is no healing or remedy.

what the Lord spoke to me through that passage in the next post (i don't wanna go over...)

[cori]

ok, before i start, here is my disclaimer: what God spoke to me in these passages is slightly out of the CONTEXT of the passage (in the way of what He was telling the gentile nations & egypt)...i am NOT saying that what i'm about to post IS what these verses MEAN, but...i AM saying that THIS is what the Lord spoke to ME, about MY walk with Him THROUGH these verses....

that being said, i'm just going to copy what i wrote in my journal....

so many amazing things in this chapter - and tying in so perfectly with the emotional pain from the past that God has been pressing me to deal with! "the word concerning and against..." - these words are FOR me, but i am not "innocent" in these situations. i have my own sin involved, whether it be something hurtful that i said or did, or an internal response. in these verses, God is preparing His people for battle - telling them to rise up & fight. terror will be surrounding for a time, but we are to FIGHT our way to higher ground (rising rivers being the appropriate threat here! higher ground - pretty obvious imagery here...), not simply FLEE there. i believe the rivers represent emotions - they are so unpredictable & unreliable, changing in a moment, with NO notice, in response to the slightest external movement. and, as v8 says, they will "rise" and "cover the earth" and "destroy cities & their inhabitants." HOW TRUE!!!!!! so many times we've seen - through personal experience AND watching others - how destroyed things can get when we let our emotions dictate our lives! v9 is another reminder that we are to FIGHT! we are not to run from our emotions (which is what i tend to do! :S ) - we are to deal with them AND deal with the SOURCE of the problem. we may gain control of our emotions over a specific situation, but - unless we go to the SOURCE of the emotion in that situation, the river will always be able to rise again to dangerous levels. v6 - "let not the swift flee nor the mighty man escape" - this means ALL of us need to do this! being able to flee from an emotional situation or "mighty" enough to internalize it (both are tactics i've nearly mastered! :S ) are NOT options! it's not fun - it's BATTLE! but v10 provides hope (and strength!), because it is a day of the Lord - He is with us, to reconcile us to Himself as the "virgin daughter" (v11). He is calling us to higher ground - to HEALING (gilead, v11), but we will never make it there without the fight. without dealing with the emotions the proper way, we are dealing with them in vain....where there is NO healing! then i wrote out an emotional prayer (that i'm going to omit here, only because i don't wanna start the fount o' tears by writing it all out again!), committing to the Lord (and asking for His help!) to fight the rivers & allow Him to turn them into deep wells that living water can be drawn from...

yep, i'll call that one confirmation! *pushes up sleeves* ok, Lord....i'm ready....bring it! :)

[cori]

Heh', that sounds like an interesting concept. Would it be like... a program everyone individually makes for themselves, or would it be one where everyone at least does one/several things on a planned schedule of exercises? Of course there will be individual options no matter what, but what would be the detailed dynamics of it? It'd need to be planned (at least a little more detailed) before it could be fully executed (to the extent of real commitment; which produces more potential progress).

lol, i hadn't thought about it THAT far yet! i figured we could work out the semantics (hehe, tpbm!) of it once we knew if/who was going to get started. i'm an exercise dunce...i only know that i DESPERATELY NEED to do it. i definitely want to target from the neck down (ha!), and that crunches are good for abs....squats are good for thighs...and....um....something about raising your heartrate while you're exercising helping your overall health?? lol....maybe someone who's actually good at this (or at least knowledgable! lol) can better direct us if we decide to do it! my initial thought was just the accountability thing...knowing that someone else is an exercise buddy motivating me to do it too kind of thing. but...i guess we would need a little more direction than that, huh? lol.....hmmm......

[Convicted]

convicted - i LOVE to read what you have to say! i've actually been missing the back & forth discussion we were having (although matthew is glad to have the 2 hrs it would take me to read & respond to it all back! lol)! i'm looking forward to a new topic that we can bounce back & forth a few times! ;)

I LOVE to read what you have to say also! Yeah, my family always like having the opportunity to talk to me also. LoL. Instead of having me say, "I busy right now." And wanting complete silence for extra concentration.. I get to bug them with my humor & attention! (I admit, my sense of humor is pretty foreign (I could take that in a literal sense at times also lol) to most people... but that's what makes it fun to me!). I'm sure a new topic will arise soon enough. There's always new aspects of different things to explore in more depth (though most everything is related in some way). We'll see what topics transpire next (and along the way).


it's funny to me, how...in spite of ALL of us encouraging one another to KEEP posting, we are ALL being told similar lies (people are sick of reading what you write..you're wrong...they already know this...waste of time....blah blah blah). i daresay that the Lord is about to move BIG time through these boards & someone doesn't really want that to happen.

I agree; God does want to do something great through this message board, greater than what He's already done through it thus far.

[Convicted]

Here we were thinking it was the worst school group that we had worked with and how crazy it was...but yet a lot of good came out of it at the end!


Ahh that's just like God. He specializes in taking things that seems like the worst, and making them much more than we could hope for. I'm glad you guys were able to help the kids out. :) It's funny how, things we don't even put much though into-- impact-wise, end up causing huge impacts that we never saw coming. Some of the craziest years of my life have also been some of my best...

[Convicted]

I reminds me of middle school i so desperately wanted to be a part of someone's life as a friend so anytime there would be a new student I would do my best to be the first to befriend them. I knew that what they were feeling to be a new student was not a good feeling and if i could help someone avoid rejection it made me feel needed and wanted, like I was making a difference in someone's life whether they accept me or not. I knew if I could help deliver someone else from that pain just maybe I would eventually be delievered from it too( it makes me cry to think about my prayers then, "God are You really there? Do You hear me?"). It helped me forget or escape my lonely world of misery I was living in. I didn't want them to feel that they didn't belong. This is a new opportunity to start fresh maybe we'll be bestfriends??? My one best friend in highschool happened that way! :) I just got a Christmas card saying she is pregnant after years of marriage! Talk about a Hallmark moment- I felt so blessed by this news and all because many years ago I took the risk to introduce myself! Don't let a day pass that you don't try to make a difference in someone else's life and if they aren't accepting God is still there smiling down upon you! Just a smile can be all that maybe necessary. :)


I used to do similar things to kids others didn't like for some reason, or ones that would be encountering a lot of conflict with others... I'd try to befriend them, and then help each side come to an understanding/negotiation/etc; even if I didn't agree with either side. Usually, the people who would be cruel to the other kid would then turn their attack against me, because I'd defend the other kid if there was a plausible explanation on that person's part for/against something (especially/mainly if I witnessed it). There's always been something in my heart that's desired to reach out to those who are outcasts from the rest. The ones who are rejected. I know what rejection is like... It can tear you up deep inside, and leave you with scars that won't go away. I believe, once someone has experienced something to a deep extent they usually have a greater desire to reach out to people who are/were in similar positions as them... (even if they are still in that position; it goes back to being able to related to a them on a deeper level). And in reaching out to them, you actually gain more than you'd expect, which helps the healing progress in your life also.

[Convicted]

that would be SWEET!!!!! i just LOVE the idea of meeting all of you someday! and the more, the merrier! (says the person with HUUUUUGE meeting-people-anxiety issues! lol)

Hehehe. Either way, We all will meet someday!!!! :) That's an awesome thing to know. Thanks be to God for reuniting us to Himself, and with each other. I totally agree though, it'd be great to meet everyone here in person sometime. Meeting-people-anxiety!?!?!? It can be lots of fun meeting people! That's coming from a person who LOVES spending time alone. lol :D I know what it's like to have that anxiety though... It's like you don't know what to say, how to react, etc... because you don't know the other person enough to know what will off-set them; and you don't know any extent of what's going on in their heads. (Well, truth be told, most people don't know what's going on in my head. :eek:) But that's when we need to test the waters, so to speak. If we never test the waters, we'll never know what they'll be like.

[cori]

Hehehe. Either way, We all will meet someday!!!! :) That's an awesome thing to know. Thanks be to God for reuniting us to Himself, and with each other. I totally agree though, it'd be great to meet everyone here in person sometime. Meeting-people-anxiety!?!?!? It can be lots of fun meeting people! That's coming from a person who LOVES spending time alone. lol :D I know what it's like to have that anxiety though... It's like you don't know what to say, how to react, etc... because you don't know the other person enough to know what will off-set them; and you don't know any extent of what's going on in their heads. (Well, truth be told, most people don't know what's going on in my head. :eek:) But that's when we need to test the waters, so to speak. If we never test the waters, we'll never know what they'll be like.

i seriously have a panic attack when i'm approaching someone new to meet! sweating profusely (hopefully not VISIBLY!!! "here, shake my slimy, sweaty hand" no thank you! lol), clammy hands, vomit climbing up my throat - only being stopped by the words that are stuck there trying to come OUT....it's bad. (and to think how much i HAVE improved in this area! lol)

[Convicted]

i seriously have a panic attack when i'm approaching someone new to meet! sweating profusely (hopefully not VISIBLY!!! "here, shake my slimy, sweaty hand" no thank you! lol), clammy hands, vomit climbing up my throat - only being stopped by the words that are stuck there trying to come OUT....it's bad. (and to think how much i HAVE improved in this area! lol)

Gloves! Honey! & an Adrenaline rush (in the let's-be-really-outgoing, hopping- around-like-the-excited-people-do-it, kind of way lol I had to laugh at myself for saying that)!

I know what that's like also, even though I don't undergo it as much anymore. It's kind of funny/strange/interesting, but when I think of it, I usually experienced that the most when I was in churches; I experience it other times also, but not as much. It's like, you have something to say, but you just don't seem to be able to say it the way you want to say it. When you say something first it might sound kind of weird also. I remember one time, I was talking with someone, who I actually had been friends with for a long time, and everytime I'd say something at first it sounded like I was sick... and I wasn't. So I started spitting to clear my throat; it was funny. :D Overtime, and with practice and prayer, it becomes easier though. It's something you can always improve on.

[Convicted]

lol, i hadn't thought about it THAT far yet! i figured we could work out the semantics (hehe, tpbm!) of it once we knew if/who was going to get started. i'm an exercise dunce...i only know that i DESPERATELY NEED to do it. i definitely want to target from the neck down (ha!), and that crunches are good for abs....squats are good for thighs...and....um....something about raising your heartrate while you're exercising helping your overall health?? lol....maybe someone who's actually good at this (or at least knowledgable! lol) can better direct us if we decide to do it! my initial thought was just the accountability thing...knowing that someone else is an exercise buddy motivating me to do it too kind of thing. but...i guess we would need a little more direction than that, huh? lol.....hmmm......

My mind kind of works in a strategic angle, for the most part-- when it comes to taking things seriously, so hehe yeah. I agree though, the accountablity thing is probably the biggest part, since of course it is an online exercise thingy. Well.. to find more knowledge about exercise/fitness/health types of stuff, we could do a little more research into the topic, and then post more options, information, suggestions, and exercises, we find. (We probably could find some fitness videos on Youtube...hehehe; for extra info). We could all (whoever decides to join the JCMB exercise challenge) decide on exercises that either we as a group come to an agreement on using... or we each individually could decide which exercises we each want to do. (plus setting a time regimen for how often a week we do it; in days... maybe even minutes/hours... but I think the number of exercises would be easier to keep track of. Of course, if we detail it too much, it can get confusing and easier to back out of. So it doesn't really matter. Just a basic plan/idea is necessary). And we'd have to decide, when it would begin? But like you said, that would be answered by when the majority of people here would join in the challenge.
So,... All in favor, let your voice (...er.. fingers) be heard (..seen, in letters on the screen!). Design your own exercise plan. Who said exercising couldn't be fun? :D I've have to ask myself a question now... Why am I even saying this??? I don't even like keeping plans, maybe planning things out, but not keeping plans. But we'll see what happens!

[Convicted]

ok, before i start, here is my disclaimer: what God spoke to me in these passages is slightly out of the CONTEXT of the passage (in the way of what He was telling the gentile nations & egypt)...i am NOT saying that what i'm about to post IS what these verses MEAN, but...i AM saying that THIS is what the Lord spoke to ME, about MY walk with Him THROUGH these verses....

that being said, i'm just going to copy what i wrote in my journal....

so many amazing things in this chapter - and tying in so perfectly with the emotional pain from the past that God has been pressing me to deal with! "the word concerning and against..." - these words are FOR me, but i am not "innocent" in these situations. i have my own sin involved, whether it be something hurtful that i said or did, or an internal response. in these verses, God is preparing His people for battle - telling them to rise up & fight. terror will be surrounding for a time, but we are to FIGHT our way to higher ground (rising rivers being the appropriate threat here! higher ground - pretty obvious imagery here...), not simply FLEE there. i believe the rivers represent emotions - they are so unpredictable & unreliable, changing in a moment, with NO notice, in response to the slightest external movement. and, as v8 says, they will "rise" and "cover the earth" and "destroy cities & their inhabitants." HOW TRUE!!!!!! so many times we've seen - through personal experience AND watching others - how destroyed things can get when we let our emotions dictate our lives! v9 is another reminder that we are to FIGHT! we are not to run from our emotions (which is what i tend to do! :S ) - we are to deal with them AND deal with the SOURCE of the problem. we may gain control of our emotions over a specific situation, but - unless we go to the SOURCE of the emotion in that situation, the river will always be able to rise again to dangerous levels. v6 - "let not the swift flee nor the mighty man escape" - this means ALL of us need to do this! being able to flee from an emotional situation or "mighty" enough to internalize it (both are tactics i've nearly mastered! :S ) are NOT options! it's not fun - it's BATTLE! but v10 provides hope (and strength!), because it is a day of the Lord - He is with us, to reconcile us to Himself as the "virgin daughter" (v11). He is calling us to higher ground - to HEALING (gilead, v11), but we will never make it there without the fight. without dealing with the emotions the proper way, we are dealing with them in vain....where there is NO healing! then i wrote out an emotional prayer (that i'm going to omit here, only because i don't wanna start the fount o' tears by writing it all out again!), committing to the Lord (and asking for His help!) to fight the rivers & allow Him to turn them into deep wells that living water can be drawn from...

yep, i'll call that one confirmation! *pushes up sleeves* ok, Lord....i'm ready....bring it! :)

You're right, battles are not fun. They're hard and violent. But engaging battles is exactly what God is calling us to do if we ever want to make it out of that battle, and conquer and possess what we've been called to. The only way to be heald, is not to give up in the middle of the fierce battle, but to press onward through the power of His might.

I love the Scriptures you posted! Very encouraging, and food for thought!

[CamperGirl]

God has been teaching me courage. I think He has been for some time, but getting through my head is the real thing. But God has recently been using my little sister as an example of courage.

A few weeks ago (before winter break started) my ten-year-old sister insisted on taking her Bible to school. We all knew deep down that realisticly, you wern't allowed to have 'religious material' on school grounds. But that in no way hindered us from telling her to read it. My mom told her to not worry about teachers if they saw her reading it, because they wouldn't mind.

So she took the Bible to school with her and when she came home that day, she was pretty quiet. We thought at first that she might have gotten in trouble, but she later told my mom durring dinner that earlier that day at recess, her best friend saw her reading her Bible. She started to read the Bible too and it led my my sister leading her best frtiend to Christ. My heart was so moved that she had the bravery to step out, and to lead her best friend to God, let alone be worried about bringing her Bible to school!

Over the break the two haven't sen one another too much because of vacations and busy days...but my sister hasn't forgotton. Last night while we were at a Christian bookstore, she bought her best friend a Bible and a beautiful bookmark and she told us that when school got back, that she was going to show her best friend how to start reading in a way that she won't get confused.

This little girl is ten, and she is doing things that some 30-year-olds who have walked with the Lord forever won't even do. The Lord is calling me to do the same...and bigger things. Just as I know He is calling us all to do. It says in the Word that we have nothing to fear, not man and not life's circumstances. It's when we fully put our trust in Him and lose the fear, 'we can do all things through Christ who strenghtens us'.

[DAROBERTS0524]

God has been teaching my Faith, courage, and love. My husband lost his job on Dec 18. I felt like God dropped me in the middle of the ocean, but then 6 days later that company offered him another position (for a significant amount of money less), friends started showing their love for us. We are having to make some major changes and decisions. I am re-learning God IS my provider. He won't allow us to sink in this ocean. He is with us.
Denise

[cori]

campergirl, i LOVE your post! thank you soooo much for sharing!

although...."some 30 yr olds" and "forever" make me feel pretty old now! :P lol

praying for your boldness!!! :)

[cori]

denise, i know how hard that can be! before my husband started his nursing education (when noah was about 3 months old), we had a music store. and it failed MISERABLY. we would have weeks on end that our ONLY sale was a guitar pick (a quarter)! that was definitely a time of learning to trust in Him!

you are all in my prayers. i have learned, through some VERY difficult circumstances, that He WILL provide. if there's anything i can do from so. cal. please let me know. :)

[DAROBERTS0524]

denise, i know how hard that can be! before my husband started his nursing education (when noah was about 3 months old), we had a music store. and it failed MISERABLY. we would have weeks on end that our ONLY sale was a guitar pick (a quarter)! that was definitely a time of learning to trust in Him!

you are all in my prayers. i have learned, through some VERY difficult circumstances, that He WILL provide. if there's anything i can do from so. cal. please let me know. :)

Thank you for the encouragement and prayers. This social network is awesome, inspiring and incouraging

[LauraA]

You all...this thread is bringing me to tears. The honesty, the sharing and revealing here is really ministering to my soul. You are all so precious. SO PRECIOUS!

Leigh, you are absolutely beautiful. If you ever think otherwise, consider it the voice of the enemy who is an accuser of the brethren and roams about seeking someone to devour. All he can do is lie to us. YOU are beautiful. Inside and out. I have more to say about the dieting issue, but it will take some time. You have opened my heart to sharing more than I have before.

Aaron, the reason you are single right now is not only because the Lord is preparing you, but He is also preparing HER. You are one of the most sensitive, sweet, loving young men I have ever met in my life. He is preparing someone VERY SPECIAL just for you, and it's taking awhile. You deserve the best, which is what she will be. Made just for you, just in in His time.

I don't mean to be a mush ball, but I love you all.


I can sympathize w/ you both because I was there in my life too.
In middle school I was overweight and it really left a scar there. This is an area of my life I don't even like to admit was a part of me and it still haunts me. As much as i don't want to write this I know I need to. I got to the point I was so ashamed of myself I had this phobia of eating out because of the endless stares that needed no words to express what they were thinking. I refused to go out to eat and I wouldn't eat lunch at school. I played w/ my life constantly because of eating disorders I think I had some they probably haven't even found a name for yet. I hid it well, but there were times that weren't over looked and my mother forced me to eat by manipulating me which I rather not express. I don't blame her she was acting out of desperation as a mother.
I never sought medical treatment- i put it in God's hands once I was ready. It took a long time for me to go out to eat in public and sometimes to this day find it ackward...too embarrassed to order dessert especially if I'm with a smaller girlfriend than me or in my eyes they seem smaller. I always seem to find myself stronger and more confident if the friend is bigger than me. It is very hurtful to me to see myself in a photo and I look larger than the other person in the photo. I feel defeated because of all the hurtful words from people that was who i was in their eyes and so that made it even worse for me through my self-judging eyes. I've always been second best or chosen last. It doesn't matter how many times here in this lifetime I've been second best or chosen last or will be because all that matters is that there is ONE that does love me and cherish me no matter what I look like or how well I do something. That has to put a smile in your heart! :)

Now when I pray and fast as strangely it may sound I may gain a pound or two because God wants me to stay focused on Him and not make this out of a diet marathon. He wants to remind me "if you have any other intentions than it being for Me I will set your mind straight."
Aaron- don't fall for all satan's ploys because he is sure going to try and get us at our weakest points. Any time you start to feel down come on here(people are here to encourage and help battle those demons) and get God's word out it is full of promises.
Don't allow anyone to tear down what God has built in you. Great is the power that dwells in you! Sometimes the journey of tears is long and is hard to hear God's call on our life when we are at that place of hurt, but just surrender it to God. Give these burdens to Him and allow Him to embrace them. Give Him your eyes and allow His beauty to be seen by yourself. i love that song- "Give me your eyes!" Thank you for allowing me to release these holdings on my heart. Jesus bless you! ~leigh

[LauraA]

You talked to them about that a few months ago, didn't you? I'm still hoping we can do that, Aaron. It would be perfect. A MAJOR CAMPout. Maybe J would be pursuaded to attend and lead us in worship. Can you imagine what a blessing that would be?! If we can work this out with everyone, I will be there. I've already talked to Dan about it, months ago. He's says it's a go for us! YEAH!

Thats what I like to hear!!!!!! I live less than 30 mins from Pastor Tom Camp's church! As many of you all know...I work at a YMCA Camp....They have Cabins...Bunk Rooms...Beds!!!! Maybe I could work something out with my work and yall could bunk there!

[cori]

You talked to them about that a few months ago, didn't you? I'm still hoping we can do that, Aaron. It would be perfect. A MAJOR CAMPout. Maybe J would be pursuaded to attend and lead us in worship. Can you imagine what a blessing that would be?! If we can work this out with everyone, I will be there. I've already talked to Dan about it, months ago. He's says it's a go for us! YEAH!

dude, if it happens, i'm SO there! even if i have to sell a limb to do it!! hahahaha and if jeremy would lead the worship? oh man...that would be the ULTIMATE CAMPout! :D

so......anyone wanna run with the ball? (matt, can you help us out here?? hehe)

[cori]

I don't mean to be a mush ball, but I love you all.

laura, mush away. :D

[Lindleigh]

You have such a beautiful way of putting things Laura! (and you are so right.)

[LauraA]

You have such a beautiful way of putting things Laura! (and you are so right.)

I feel so inadequate and even "dull" when I post. It blows me away to hear such sweet words. Let me assure you, if anything sounds good, it's straight from the Lord because I'm not gifted with words. But thank you. Sincerely.

We could do some checking about a CAMPout. I know Aaron, you said it would have to be during the off season, correct? And it should be during a time when weather won't be a big issue, so that is April/May. Then it's busy for the camp. So we jump then to Sept./Oct./Nov. Then weather comes into play again.

Let's see when J will be in the area for a concert, and go from there. I know he likes to visit his family when he's in Chicago or IN, so we'd have to see....but even just a short visit from him would be awesome.

Have you all seen the youtube video of the Chicago CAMPout, House of Blues? I was SO CLOSE to being there, and didn't go. I have been kicking myself ever since!!! So what if it was a 3 hour drive home that night and work at 6 the next morning. I would have survived and it would have been worth it. WAH!!!!

[cori]

i agree - i think possible conflicts can come up ANY time (busy season/weather/etc...), so....i think a good starting point would be to see when he's going to be there, and if he'd be willing to host a CAMPout for us! :) i'll do whatever it takes to get there, and whatever i can do to help make it happen! (not so good at the planning stuff, though, so....somebody give me a job & then i can go...lol)

[cori]

[QUOTE=LauraA;15014]I feel so inadequate and even "dull" when I post. It blows me away to hear such sweet words. Let me assure you, if anything sounds good, it's straight from the Lord because I'm not gifted with words. But thank you. Sincerely.QUOTE]

oh, and about this??? laura, i LOOOOVE reading EVERYTHING you post! (to be completely honest, i wish you would post MORE - but i totally understand family, commitments, & time constraints, so....please don't feel pressured to DO so!) you are actually much better expressing yourself than you seem to think you are, so THERE! :P lol (that was my flashback to the teen years...hehe)

[CamperGirl]

I feel so inadequate and even "dull" when I post. It blows me away to hear such sweet words. Let me assure you, if anything sounds good, it's straight from the Lord because I'm not gifted with words. But thank you. Sincerely.
Laura, you are the furthest thing from dull or inadequate. God has truly gifted you in a manner of speaking His truth to His people in such a kind and loving way, and i'm sure EVERYONE here would agree on that :)

[LauraA]

[QUOTE=LauraA;15014]I feel so inadequate and even "dull" when I post. It blows me away to hear such sweet words. Let me assure you, if anything sounds good, it's straight from the Lord because I'm not gifted with words. But thank you. Sincerely.QUOTE]

oh, and about this??? laura, i LOOOOVE reading EVERYTHING you post! (to be completely honest, i wish you would post MORE - but i totally understand family, commitments, & time constraints, so....please don't feel pressured to DO so!) you are actually much better expressing yourself than you seem to think you are, so THERE! :P lol (that was my flashback to the teen years...hehe)

LOL!!! You are so funny!! Dan said this morning I was sleeping and he asked me to move over because I was "bed hoggin'" and I said (in my sleep) "I was here first!" LOL!! Maybe we are really younger than we thought!

[Kelly]

I've done a lot of reflecting today & got to thinking about how at the beginning of this year Jeremy had that little intro for his new site & talked about how 2008 was the year of new beginnings. Boy was he right! I sat here thinking about what 2009 could possibly be....

Came up with this: http://kellygirl.tumblr.com/post/67717496/goodbye-2008-hello-2009

[cori]

[QUOTE=cori;15025]

LOL!!! You are so funny!! Dan said this morning I was sleeping and he asked me to move over because I was "bed hoggin'" and I said (in my sleep) "I was here first!" LOL!! Maybe we are really younger than we thought!

hahahahahaha laura! that is SOOOO funny! apparently when i'm sick (reeeally sick, like fever & puking sick), i talk in my sleep. one night (this was years ago - before noah was born), i had been in bed since like 6pm, so cameron came in later. i guess i was "bed hoggin" too and he asked me to move over, so i said, "can i have a bite? roll up the window!" lol oh the strange people we become when we're asleep! hahahaha

let's see.....i'll have to get back to you with some of my "showing my true age" stories....we're supposed to leave in like half an hour for the nye thing & i haven't even STARTED getting ready! gotta change my clothes (already showered, but....sweats are a little under-dressed, even for my casual church friends! lol), do my hair (although i may just skip that)...make-up (for the safety of everyone i will see! yay cosmetics! lol)...write out directions for ryan & teresa so they can bring ayda (granddaughter) to us when they're read to head out for their thing).....i better get busy! :o but....i'm sure i've got tons of acting younger than i am stories...lol

BUGGWADD!

[cori]

I've done a lot of reflecting today & got to thinking about how at the beginning of this year Jeremy had that little intro for his new site & talked about how 2008 was the year of new beginnings. Boy was he right! I sat here thinking about what 2009 could possibly be....

Came up with this: http://kellygirl.tumblr.com/post/67717496/goodbye-2008-hello-2009

wow, kelly - VERY well spoken (um...written! lol)! and..i must admit that i'm a bit misty at being included in your twitter blog. :) *sniff* lol

letting go is always hard, even when we're looking at the better thing right in front of us! i've had the better thing looking me in the EYE before, but i can't get to it until i let go of what's in my hand....so i stand there, mid-staredown, spiraling into that despair because i KNOW something's not right. for whatever reason, it takes me a while to figure out that....i'm not being obedient to the LETTING GO, and that disobedience causes everything to become disheveled (pretty sure i spelled that wrong). it's the whole tug of war concept - we have the experiences that we have, that we don't want to let go of, and we're looking at the better, that we want, but we cannot reach without letting go of the experiences....we KNOW that the better is the obvious choice, but...our hands are just sooooo tightly gripped onto those things.

but, i agree completely - 2009 will be a year of letting go. letting go of good things to see better things, and letting go of bad things to see restoration & blessing. :)

happy new year, kelly!
and happy new year, to ALL of you! (please forgive me for not listing each of you by name....that would take a while, and....i'm running late...)

[Meadow]

I'll play ketchup w/ you guys soon :), but the Lord laid this on me and it has a lot to do w/ somethings we have been talking about- we can be our worst enemies- asuming things w/ the little red guy pushing our buttons.

Take a little look before you read this:
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a150/MeadowOfLight/Christmas2008015.jpg


Healing Tear Drops

Tree of Memories you seem to last forever,
Saving yesterday’s, today’s and tomorrow’s dreams,
Even though you are silent your light shines through a tear drop,
A moment captured for a lifetime,
Brown construction paper, yarn, and crayon came to life,
A sad little man with tear drop covered eyes,
Told a story that was much more than a ornament on a tree,
As I held the ornament near,
I couldn’t help, but think what year was this?
I began to weep,
Thinking all of these thoughts that might have caused this pain,
To show through her damaged heart,
A family crumbled seemed like so many years ago,
How did I fail my little girl?
What did I do?
The words finally came one by one,
They slowly fell,
Why are there tears here?
Sadness over took him with thoughts that could devour him,
So after all the distress give way to simply a child’s imagination,
Some how I know this will always be one of those treasured memories
Christmas 2008, Leigh Carraway

Christmas was definitely different this year. We embraced it by decorating our tree together, which over the past several years have been more forced. I put it up maybe within a few days before Christmas. It was a chore I just wanted to get it done and did all to avoid embracing the memories that end up being hung year after year. Kristen didn’t seem to care less either way, and provide little efforts of interest so that made it even easier not to have to have it up right away. That was rather strange to me because I loved everything about Christmas at her age especially decorating the Christmas tree.
So this year we both had the desire to embrace this task together as a great time of mother/daughter fellowship. All the old memories began to surface that I had pushed aside and plowed over for so long. There was one ornament that Kristen had made in preschool that really captured me with emotion. Here was this sad paper gingerbread man sobbing with many tear drops rolling down his face with a deep sighing frown. It seemed like all at once things started flooding back to me. I started thinking about my divorce and Kristen’s ghost of a father, and I couldn’t help but think this caused her hurt to be expressed like this. This little guy looked a wreck and was this because of my actions? After hiding my tears and found composure I preceded to ask Kristen, “Why is the gingerbread man so sad?” Kristen said, “Momma, I think he thought he was going to be eaten.” It made me think about how bound we are to that broken place in our life - tears of joy found in a child’s imagination taken to the depths of a well were many tear drops have fallen and remain covering the wounds. Even the boundaries we put up wear away no matter how numb we may think we are to something it still exists and it just doesn’t go away, but we can use it positively and reap in joy.
Psalm 126:4-6 (KJV)
4Turn again our captivity, O LORD, as the streams in the south.
5They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
6He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

[Kelly]

And in perfect timing, as always, Jeremy chimed in (via Twitter Text) with this:

Surrender All this year my friends :)

Definitely seeing a running theme for this year!

[cori]

wow, leigh...that's all i can say right now! i will post more about it tomorrow, after a box of kleenex & some sleep, but....VERY...WOW.

thank you.

[Convicted]

I've done a lot of reflecting today & got to thinking about how at the beginning of this year Jeremy had that little intro for his new site & talked about how 2008 was the year of new beginnings. Boy was he right! I sat here thinking about what 2009 could possibly be....

Came up with this: http://kellygirl.tumblr.com/post/67717496/goodbye-2008-hello-2009

You know how awesome God is and how His timing is always perfect? Well, I just finished posting about fear in the thread Laura started, and then I read your blog. :) Great blog by the way. God's really been dealing with me lately about abandoning fear (no matter how hard that is) and to FULLY put my trust in Him. It's so easy to trust Him when everything goes as we plan, the way we want, when life is wonderful, it's another thing to do that when that comfort we cherish might be taken away because we're stepping out of faith, to grasp hold of something better. The extent of what we'll receive is determined by what we are willing to give away. God doesn't want us to settle for less than the best. Now while, it's not always fun and comfortable to make the journey to something greater, if we don't we'll live regretting we never took the risks to gain that which is more, than what we have now. Ah, the depth of losing yourself to gain yourself (the self God intended us to be).
It's funny how you posted this and then Jeremy twittered: Surrender All this year my friends; while at the same time God's been pressing similar issues on my heart. It's not by coincidence! Nothing much every is.

I'm going to post a song for the new year! It's called Vow by Kutless. Though I actually don't like the word "vow;" or making them for that matter.

Another year has come and gone, nothing's changed.
I wasted another year, doing the same old things.
I want to break out of this and turn my life around.
I'm going to make a vow to repent and turn to You.

(Chorus)
I'm crying out to You now, as I make my new year's vow.
I tell You I'll love You and I'll honor You, somehow.
In my promise to You, in my new year's vow I give You all of me.
You'll be all of my life, and I'll never think twice, to do all that You have for me, in my new year's vow.

Lord I'll do my best to do, all that I say.
I'm not perfect buy I know, it's okay.
If I stumble You won't, condemn my shame.
I'm going to make a vow to repent and turn to You.

(Chorus)

It's a new year, this year is different from the other ones. (x2)

(Chorus)

I don't believe we'll 'never think twice' about something God tells us to do, but living in such a way where our heart will be passionetely obedient to God, no matter what He says to do is something God wants to work into our heart. (Bad songwriting on their part actually; but the message is priceless... at least what I get out of it). This song used to (and still does) really impact my life immensly. I'd listen to it over and over again, just examining the many different depths of the lyrics, and how they're relatable to my life. It's a great reminder to rededicate our hearts to God on a daily basis. If we don't remain steadfast in dedicating ALL of ourselves to God, we can expect to stay in the same condition that we're in (if that condition doesn't progressively get worse in the meantime). It just reminds me, I don't want to waste another year of my life... another day, or minute or second. We only have so much time to actually cause an impact, and we'll never be able to do that without fully surrendering our lives to God; and when we do that, He liberates us from the bondages we were held in, from our past, from sin, from our weaknesses, from everything that's holding us back... I want to be free, I want to truly love God... not just with lip service and fake smile, but from the very core depths of my heart -- with everything that I am. I just want to bring Him the glory and honor, something that will touch His heart... be pleasant to His ears, be acceptable in His sight. 'Cause after all He deserves it. He deserves more than anything I could ever give, yet all He wants is my love... which really is His. He wants to be one with us... and in being one with us, that means we're really inseperable. Therefore my actions, words, writings, thoughts, everything, should reflect something He'd approve of. It's so awesome to know that inspite of our many, many imperfections, sins -- our personal offenses against Him, that He is so merciful and willing to forgive us, and accept us just the way that we are.. in our jacked up and broken state. But it's only when we're broken that He can begin to flow through us. Indeed I believe this is a new year!!! It's a new morning also! hehehe His mercies are new every morning! We are new creations in Christ! Old things have passed away; behold all has become new. (2 Cor. 5:17). I pray that everyday of this new year will indeed be a new adventure we take with Him, drawing closer to Him more than ever in our lives; and that we will seize more opportunities than we could ever imagine in reaching out to others with the truth of His love more often, effectively, and with a new attitude of passion, courage, love, humility, wisdom, and creativity. I also pray, that there be massive breakthroughs and protection for our persecuted brothers and sisters all around the world; that God will do miraculous things for/through them and us this year. May we see His supernatural power working in our very lives, in those that are around us, and in the entire world, more than there's ever been. May He take us back to that child like faith, that allows Him to show His greatness through our lives. May the church become more united in Him, in His love and grace. May many, many families be restored and reunited; marriages mended, relatives coming back to Christ, etc.. This prayer/list is really never ending... I will add one more thing to it on here though. May this message board, be saturated by the power and love of God, more than it's ever been. May people's lives be radically changed/saved just by coming to this board. May EVERYONE here, receive blessings they never expected, receive healing and restored joy & freedom, be shining lights reflecting the Light to everyone they come in contact with from here on, and walk in the authority Christ has given them. So much more I could say (aka type)... but I shall leave it at that for now.

Happy New Year Everyone! It's kind of hard to believe it's already 2009.

[Meadow]

Kelly- awesome blog~i love the "Letting Go" theme for this year- love that song too!
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in Me.” - John 14:1- there is so much depth in that scripture. I have found myself living in the book of John lately so many scriptures keep leading me right back to the book of John- mainly John 1:14- "The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

Convicted- I love your post! This really has blessed me and we have a lot to reach down deeper in our lives for and all the prayers that needed to be lifted up especially for our brothers and sisters that are being persecuted. This message board is really off the charts w/ the love of Christ Rockin' these threads! We are all so blessed to be a part of this, and I thank Jeremy for all he is doing to make this a real fruitful place to fellowship! God bless you, Jeremy! i pray you and the family are having a wonderful time as I type this. :)
Thank you for sharing this..."Vow" is beautiful it reminds me of “Even When” off of the Restored CD- "through all my fragile fears of wasting any years." I'll have to listen to it.

You can really see God at work in our lives and my new year-long devotional is titled Breaking Free Day By Day by Beth Moore. I feel lead to share my first few days w/ you all because it is so on target with this thread/post. I love the questions these devotions pose. They really get you thinking. :)


JAN 01
“This is the land I promised Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ Deuteronomy 34:4

Like Moses, we will scale the heights this year to gaze over into the Promised Land, that land of freedom and splendor. But unlike Moses, we will have the opportunity not only to see it but to cross over and live there.

So come with all haste. Come to the place of breaking free. The place where we truly know God and believe Him. The place where we seek His glory and forget your own.
The place where satisfaction comes from the only true satisfier of our souls. The place where we experience His peace no matter what the world may throw our way. The place where His presence is our constant desire and daily joy.”

____________________________________

JAN 02
“For I satisfy the thirsty person and feed all those who are weak. Jeremiah 31:25

Can you think of anything you’ve worked hard to attain that ultimately failed to bring you the satisfaction you expected? We can easily be led into captivity by seeking other answers to needs and desires that only God can meet. Perhaps we each have experienced an empty place deep inside that we tired our best to ignore or to fill with something other than God.

A crucial part of fleshing out our liberation in Christ means allowing Him to fill the empty places in our lives. Satisfaction in Christ can be a reality. He can make us feel complete. I’m not talking about a life full of activity. I’m talking about a soul full of Jesus.”
__________________________________

JAN 03
“My body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. Psalm 63:1

What do you usually do when you’re hungry or thirsty? You seek what will meet your need. If you ignore your physical needs long enough, not only will you be miserable; you will be ill.(this reminds of something we were talking about a few pages back)

You can easily recognize the signals your body gives for food and nourishment, but great wisdom lies in learning how to discern the signals your spiritual nature gives. The most obvious symptom of a soul in need of God’s satisfaction is a sense of inner emptiness- the awareness of a “hollow place” somewhere deep inside-the inability to be satisfied. Let this longing drive you to your Savior.”

Later I'll be posting some more scripture from my devotionals that ended 2008.

[DawnAurora]

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust also in Me.” - John 14:1- there is so much depth in that scripture. I have found myself living in the book of John lately so many scriptures keep leading me right back to the book of John


The Lord has brought up that verse to me several times over the last couple days. It is a very hard, long, lonely slog right now in the post He's put me in, and I wish His emotional support was a bit more...blatant. John 14 is a part of His anwer. Locking on to how He's taking theory on a page and making it real for you in the day-to-day of life, that is the toughest part of walking in faith for me.

[Meadow]

Hi Dawn! It's so awesome to see God connecting His people together in His Word. I know the frustrations of life can be distracting just as the enemy wants so we can lose sight of the prize. I know sometimes it can feel like a pretty lonely road we walk down, but He is there even more than we know. And you have brothers and sisters in Christ here to support you. I'm sorry it took me a while to respond. I'm praying for you, Dawn!((((HUGS!!!))))) Love you ~Leigh Proverbs 3:5-6

[Meadow]

The other morning the Lord laid this on my heart and it was like He was dictating the words as I wrote. This kind of parallels what we are talking about it might get off track a little. I think our desire to seek Him has a great impact not just on our lives, but the lives around us. He is there we just have to come seeking Him. Sometimes we depend on getting all our answers at church to the point we get so caught up in what the church is trying to teach us and miss what God is teaching us.
There is a point where we have to set aside these values and listen to God and see what He has to say- the Holy Spirit will guide us to a certain point depending on our submission and what we allow or permit. If we limit our relationship and put up walls and boundaries we miss out on so much. The questions are: "Are we willing to step out of our comfort zones?(this sounds familiar:)) Are we willing to examine and explore the scripture to it's core until the truth is singing praises with us to God?" We have to be willing- "I'm Willing" (i love that song!!! so beautiful!)
Quite often the church is just barely touching the surface of what God's children need. I pray that God puts a hunger in every heart here to go deeper and break through and go beyond the barriers to meet intimately w/ God. He has such a marvelous journey to take us on, but if we don't hand over the wheel to Him we will continue driving our own lives and find ourselves at a dead end when we should be in His garden of abundant grace. A great land of milk and honey where His grace & mercy reigns and His glory shines. Blessings flow ~leigh

[Meadow]

some scripture I said I would post:

Psalm 9:9-10
9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.

10 Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Hebrews 10:22-25
22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Isaiah 51:12
12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you.
Who are you that you fear mortal men,
the sons of men, who are but grass,

Hosea 10:12
12 Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes
and showers righteousness on you.

Isaiah 54:4-8
4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.


Psalm 63
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

Nehemiah 8:10
10 Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Jeremiah 33:3
3 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' (I've seen this one quite often lately:))

Philippians 1:20-21
20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Psalm 34:18
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Romans 8:38-39
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

[Haven]

oh wow God has been teaching me many things in the past year...To be patient, To love one another, to not hate. So many things...I have learned and I thank the Lord He is in my heart now, so I may learn from the mistakes I have made in the past, and trust God whatever happens. I know that there will be trials in my life, as well as others, so that is why I need to stay strong, all of us need to stay strong. Because I have this feeling inside that Jesus is coming back, that we are in the end times, that it is near. We need to be ready when ever that time comes. So stay strong and trust the Lord... because He loves you so much and He wants to bring us home...:)